Rancho Chico

"I had better toilet paper..."and other things overheard at our house...

2012-01-22T23:07:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year! It's been challenging to find time to write since I was hit by the reorganization bug. I'm not one to make resolutions at the beginning of the year but I often feel compelled to do a thorough house cleaning once the holidays are safely behind us. This year the focus of said reorganization was our sunroom-playroom-my office. We have spent days painting old furniture, sorting books, magazines, toys, crafts, and switching kids' furniture from one room to another. We aren't done yet but I feel much better and the room functions better too.

Thus far, Tortuga has done remarkably well. We had a few big bumps and lots of small ones but nothing as major as the full fledged destruction of previous holidays. We aren't out of the woods yet since usually the greatest fallout is in January and February but it has been so much better. This weekend was his worst yet and we are seeing lots of regression to old behaviors. He suddenly has "forgotten" how to brush his teeth (he is using the bathroom soap instead of his toothpaste), use the toilet (seat stays down, pee everywhere, no cleanup) and shower (no soap or shampoo, water turned on but doesn't get on his body, bathroom missing, shower curtain drawn back so water spills all over the floor, etc. etc.) There seems to be no reason for any of this beyond "I forgot" which we know isn't the case. The only bad part is that all the kids share a bathroom so I am getting all kinds of reports about the state of their bathroom from Pollito who is my absolutely meticulous about grooming and hygiene and absolutely fastidious about cleanliness. He is appalled at the state of the bathroom so part of Tortuga's morning routine these days involves not using the bathroom until AFTER everyone else and cleaning the bathroom after he uses it. This will lead to a meltdown, destruction or change in behavior. We shall see.

Corazon is really struggling emotionally. I think a big part of this is hormones and she is having some pretty big feelings these days that usually manifest in rudeness and anger directed at me. One other thing that is happening for her is that she is having dreams about losing me and C. or the family being in danger. I think these speak to her growing attachment to us and the fact that she can remember and articulate these is progress. She is also allowing herself to REMEMBER. For the longest time she never had any memories of her life before us. In fact, when she first came to us and for the first couple of years pretty much every single thing she did with us would be prefaced by "I have never _______ before." and she would tell us how awesome we were for letting her have/do that thing. She would flash us that charming smile of hers and thank us for introducing her to whatever it was--swimming pool, ice cream, lollipops, park swings, hair barettes, etc.--as though it was the first time she had ever encountered it. It took us a while to realize that was part of her coping and even at 4 she understood that adults liked hearing this.

That was just the opposite of Tortuga. We never measured up to his standards. If I cooked something, his birth mother made it better. If we ate out at a new place, he'd been there with her. If he got a treat, she gave him more, bigger, better ones. When we went to a movie, play, park, event, he'd been there/done that/seen it with her and it was so much better. We understood it was part of his remaining connected to her and his desire to remember the good times with her because as bad as the neglect had been at times and despite having lived with her so rarely in those years before he came to us that attachment was there for him. We understood it and tried to honor it as best we could. It slso drove us crazy because it was constant and often led to rages after we did anything that could be deemed as fun or even just pleasant.

Last week during lunch the two older kids and I were talking about some of their early behaviors as we discussed the progress they had made over the years. Tortuga was asking why he had a tendency to remember things as "all bad" or "all good" and he wondered why other people would remember "only the good" since in his mind that was "a lie." We talked about resiliency and nostalgia and why both of those are important to many of us. I recounted for him the tendency he had to "sugar coat" some of early experiences as part of a coping strategy he employed often when he wanted to think about his mother (as opposed to all his foster homes being "all bad.") I reminded him how often he had told us how much better/bigger/faster/etc. things were with his mother's as opposed to us. He seemed to remember this and was even able to laugh at the absurdity of some of his comments. In the last year or so we have worked with him on his tendency to do the opposite of this which is to remember everything about her as "all bad." As we were wrapping up lunch, Pollito announced that they had no toilet tissue in their bathroom so Corazon went to get a replacement roll and handed it to Tortuga to take upstairs with him. Without missing a beat that boy turned to me, held up that roll, and said "I had better toilet paper at my birth mom's." Then he smiled. We laughed so hard, both at his delivery and ability to joke appropriately, but also at the progress he had made over the past 5 years.

Happy Holidays...

2011-12-26T11:02:00.002-06:00

What a wonderful holiday! All of our children held it together throughout the festivities so we could truly enjoy our holiday. Yes, there were a few "issues" and need for redirection but NO tantrums, NO meltdowns, NO yelling, NO screaming and minimal bickering. A success, I would say. In fact, C. and I were able to hang out with the adults and watch a movie while the kids watched something else, all together in another room. Given the level of supervision they usually need, C. asked if that was ok. My sister piped in, "Don't worry they have my daughter in there. She is the biggest tattle-tale in the world so if they do anything wrong you'll hear about it right away!" :-)

(Pajama pictures posted just for you Lisa....)

Some wonderful moments from yesterday:

Tortuga's top gift request was a peace lily. Yes, a peace lily. This is my violent kid. Check out his Christmas list (sorry about the quality).

When we gave it to him he leapt over his siblings (nearly knocking them all down) and threw himself into my arms with tears in his eyes! He was so grateful and (over)excited and jumping and screaming so much that we almost had to send him to his room for a time-out but who does that? I can see myself explaining that my son had a meltdown because I sent him to his room for exuberantly thanking me for giving him a peace lily!

Pollito got exactly what he wanted--a refrigerator and appliances for their play kitchen, more play food, and a "dinosaur train." He got more candy and sweets than ever and they played, ate, and watched movies all day. Right before bed he said to me, "Mom, do you know what my favorite present is?" I asked him to tell me and he said "You and Mama!"

Corazon came in from the play room as the last of our family went home for the night and spontaneously started unloading the dishwasher and then re-loading it for the next round. Without being asked! Then she wiped down the counters, washed the pots in the sink and asked me if there was anything else she could do for me!

Milagro had one item on her Christmas list. A "whale rescue" toy complete with helicopter, boat, and all the supplies needed for rescuing injured toy orcas. She was so excited to play with it but overwhelmed by all the excited voices from the other kids that just after opening it and playing with it for a little while she announced that she was going into another room because she needed "quiet time." I went in to check on her and she was sitting on the floor so I asked her if she was alright. She nodded yes. I asked if she wanted me to hold her and she said she did. I put her in my lap and asked again if she was OK. She took my face in both her hands and said "Thank you mami for EVERYTHING! You are the best mom in the whole world!"

How can I ask for anything else Christmas Day? I am truly blessed with an amazing family!

Happy December...

2011-12-05T12:51:00.001-06:00

December already! This is usually one of my favorite times of the year but I have started it with a really bad cold and a root canal that I cannot go back and complete until this cold is gone. One good thing we managed to do before I got sick was get our Christmas tree. I even put the lights on it during one of my more lucid moments with this cold. The kids are over to top with excitement about the upcoming holidays, making Christmas lists and gifts (this year all their family gifts have to be "made"), and getting immersed in our advent calendar tradition. We started this a few years ago and they just love it. Each day we pull a slip of paper from our calendar that tells us what we will do that day "eat dinner by candlelight and listen to Christmas music" or "do two good deeds "secretly" for the same member of your family." They just love doing this. Of course, this cold has sent me scrambling to change some of those slips of paper when it involves something a little more high maintenance than what I am up for.

Overall the kids are doing pretty well given the changes in routine and the visitors coming and going. Right now Corazon is the one having the hardest time or maybe I am having the hardest time with her. Most of her issues seem to be what others would classify as "normal preteen behaviors" but there is still enough "hint of RAD" to be truly annoying. Lots of drama, attitude, rudeness, and opposition. She starts pretty much every sentence with "no" and her tone of voice is obnoxious at best, mean at worst. This is particularly apparent in her interactions with her two younger siblings. It has been especially bad with Pollito so she is no longer allowed to say his name. She must call him and refer to him as "my wonderful little brother" and each time she fails to remember to do so she must either put a nickel in his piggy bank or give him one of her belongings. Since we started this a few days ago she has managed to only lose 20 cents and one bookmark. Her tone with me is even worse. So bad in fact that I have declared days when I am not speaking to her at all because I refuse to use her tone back with her and no matter how much I have tried to diffuse the attitude or tone by ignoring it, calmly discussing it, or joking about it she hasn't been able to snap out of it. She absolutely hates for me to not speak to her so that seems to help at times but her behavior is nowhere near under control and more importantly it is driving me nuts because I just don't want to be around her much (and neither does anyone else.)

I think she is also struggling because she is having many more "normal" days and when she actually realizes this it seems to terrify her and she quickly has to dive back into her RAD behaviors. That said, it is a bit comical because her "heart" isn't really into it anymore. The other day I sent her to tap because she was behaving in a totally disregulated way. She went outside and I could hear her trying to work herself up. Then all of a sudden she stopped and her whole demeanor changed and she did her tapping. When she came back inside she said "Mom, I noticed something when I went to tap."

I asked her what it was and she said "I didn't want to tap and I was really mad and I was stomping my feel and just standing there and then I thought about that sign you put up in the window (long story) and I said to myself 'What ARE YOU DOING? This is so DUMB. You are just wasting energy and missing out on stuff when you know tapping will help you." I asked her what happened next and she said she just did her tapping and everything was better. Imagine that! She said this with such an incredulous look on her face I almost laughed (but I didn't. At least not until she was out of earshot.)

On another note, I am so grateful to Lindsay Mama to Nine for suggesting the journal idea for Tortuga. He is really into writing and has taken that idea to heart. Since I gave him the journal he has written a couple of entries to his birth mom and he is so happy to have that outlet. I don't know if that will be the case for long but for now it seems to be helping.

Where did November go?

2011-11-30T14:38:00.001-06:00

Every month I have these wonderful intentions to write more so that I can reflect back on what is happening before I forget. Clearly I didn't get to write much this month. It has been busy and hectic and mostly really good. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. My mom and my brother and niece came to town as did C.'s parents so we celebrated the weekend with everyone here. It has been 20 years since I spent a Thanksgiving with all my siblings and my mom so that was pretty special. Generally speaking we get along well so being together was easy and comfortable and our children got along well despite their age ranges (4-16.) My 16 year old niece was wonderful with Milagro and Milagro found a new "best cousin" in her. The weekend was spent eating too much turkey, hanging out, watching football, playing board games and spending time with good friends. Even my mom seemed to mellow out a little more with all of her children together in one place. Of course we took advantage of having company to try out new places around here and we discovered a pretty awesome barbecue place that we went to on our last night together this year.

I am still in awe of how awesome my children are. Milagro is growing by leaps and bounds. About a month and a half ago she decided she really needed to learn to write her name. She is 4 years, 2 months old and doesn't go to any type of school so we haven't pushed her to do much in terms of academics. Within a week she was not only writing her full name but had pinned down the names of her siblings (with a little assistance) and a few important phrases "I love you" and "Please don't leave." She writes all the time (for fun) and she asks to spell everything. She is also thriving in her new one day a week morning program. She gets to be around kids her age, dance, play and do art activities that she enjoys. Plus she is in love with her teacher. Last night as we reminded her she needed to get to sleep so she could get up in time for class she said "Oh yeah, I love Ms. M. I really care about her!" And that she does.

Pollito continues to make progress in his reading and math. Until a few weeks ago he could not recognize or write his numbers past 15. All of a sudden something has clicked and he is regularly recognizing, counting and writing his numbers to 100. He is also making connections between numbers in one setting and those in another. Until recently this was something that totally escaped him. He could see the number 22 on the calendar and write it but then when asked to write the number a few minutes later he acted like he had never heard of the number 22. He also seems to be making strides in sounding out words. It is still very difficult for him but it is getting better. He still loves books, stories and going to the library and I am optimistic that he will get where he needs to in the near future.

Corazon held it together pretty well all weekend and was an AWESOME helper as we readied the house for guest. She helped set up her room for her grandparents since we had both mine and C.'s parents staying with us and she gladly moved into Milagro's room for the week. She even helped with much of the Thanksgiving meal prep which she usually cannot do because her excitement and anxiety make it impossible to count on her to be truly helpful. Except for a few small bumps she was absolutely wonderful.

Tortuga did well also. This was our best Thanksgiving yet with him. He took to heart our "thankful tree" activities all month and wrote some heartfelt gratitudes. I had originally planned on throwing the tree away once we done but they are so attached to it I think I will bring it out next year so they have a chance to reflect on what they wrote about this past year.

Tortuga is clearly struggling but more importantly he is working hard to keep it together and not get mad when we redirect him or ask him to use his tools and strategies for calming down. He still struggled with transitions from family time to alone time but all in all he did really well.

What to do...

2011-11-09T07:07:00.000-06:00

Tortuga has had a mixed week. Two days of really dysregulated behavior that involved him spending a good deal of time away from us because he just couldn't hold it together. I think it is a combination of more sugar, more "fun times" (Halloween and a block party), and the beginning of his "traumaversary" time (which will go through February). I think there is something else going on that I just don't know how to deal with yet.

We have a decent relationship with his birth mother. By "decent" I mean that we get along very well, we communicate well, we are open about why the boys don't live with her, and I think she trusts us. That said we don't hear from her regularly and her contact information changes often. When we schedule meetings with her she will often not show up without letting us know. She has multiple challenges that complicate her life and her desire to see the boys and we try to respect that. This summer we tried and tried to see her and she wasn't available and then her phone was disconnected. We told Tortuga that we were trying to see her and he was adamant that he did NOT want to see her. This is a regular part of his process. He misses her, thinks about her, wants to see her, doesn't want to see her, and when we do see her he is anxious to not be there. When we didn't get to see her he seemed relieved and expressed this relief in both verbal and behavioral ways.

Once we returned from MA he asked if I had spoken to her and I mentioned that I still couldn't reach her. He said he didn't want to know if I talked to her unless it was "bad" news. I explained that he could choose to hear or not to hear and I would respect that BUT he couldn't be selective about what he heard because it left too much room for the imagination. We have had episodes of "you didn't tell me you talked to her" when in fact we always tell him. (She does not always wish to speak with him or his brother but she always sends her regards.) I reminded him that he could choose to hear or not to hear. He chose to hear if we spoke to her and he wasn't sure if he did or didn't want to talk with her. I noted we would cross that bridge when the call came. In the meantime I have tried to find out what is going on. A friend has tried all her last known addresses and I have her former social worker trying to track down whether she has received any services that might allow us to get a message to her. I am concerned about her and hope she is well but I also know this is a typical pattern so I am trying not to be overly worried.

In the meantime, Tortuga is thinking about her and I know it. He will not admit that he is thinking about her which is fine. What isn't fine is that he has a tendency to tell himself "stories" in his head when something is on his mind and reality and fiction blur quickly for him. So this has resulted in his accusations to me that I am keeping him from talking to her and/or withholding information about her because it is "not good." I know this is his fear. I have tried to create room for him to express this and once in a while he does. Right now though, he is just lashing out at us and we have to "talk him down" from that place where he believes the fiction in his head rather than the reality. Any ideas?

Halloween 2011

2011-11-01T07:47:00.000-05:00

Everyone had a really great time. Someone remind me to say "no" next time my kids have a "brilliant idea" for Halloween costumes! Fred's costume pretty much did me in!

The whole Scooby Doo gang!

Then my niece wanted to join in the themed costumes so we added a villain....

Corazon became the "headless specter".

It begins...

2011-10-30T21:23:00.002-05:00

Most of Tortuga's "trauma" times (moves from birth mom, moves to foster homes, move to RTC, move to our home, etc.) took place between October 30 and February 20. This is our hell time with him. Each and every year it is as if a switch has been flipped as October 30 rolls around and his behavior starts to spiral downward. He will become easily dysregulated and angry and aggressive and violent. Bad times all the way around. This year, we have been trying to prepare for it a little differently. We started talking about it in August and we started to call attention to the behaviors and feelings that often emerge around this time of year. We also pointed out that we are going to be extra sensitive and extra vigilant to try and address these as soon as they arise. We have reintroduced tapping and practicing patience and alone time under his weighted blanket in anticipation of all of this. Each week I plan on introducing a new guided imagery and a new set of journal prompts to help us all get through the process and document it for him.

Today, as if on cue, his dysregulation was palatable from the moment he got up. He was agitated and "off" throughout the day BUT he held it together for the most part. We have started a "chart" in which he will track each time he finds himself feeling "off" or doing something he should. We have made it a "family project" to help him through this time without letting him blow it for the rest of the family. In previous years we have cancelled many activities because he couldn't handle it but we aren't going to do this this year and he will be writing about each of these in his journal. So far, he seems "on board" with the idea and I think it is helping him feel a little more in control. I don't know if it will help but it may give us some insights as we move forward.

Puberty and RAD

2011-10-27T10:17:00.001-05:00

Puberty and RAD. Any advice out there?

Please don't say "run for cover!"

That's not working.

Thanks.

I am listening to you dear boy...

2011-10-19T20:32:00.000-05:00

I hate that it's sometimes so easy to miss things that are right in front of my face. For a long time now Pollito has been telling me (not in so many words) that he needs to be near me and closely supervised. I ignored it and just refused to listen. So he screamed louder and louder with behaviors that were worsening by the minute.

Last week I (finally) put my foot down after the umpteenth time of his willfully destroying something. I told him I heard him! I heard that he didn't want to play in the play area unsupervised. I heard that he didn't want to play outside unsupervised. I heard that he didn't want/know how to be nice to younger children if he wasn't supervised. I heard that if he was told to be mindful of something, it was an invitation that he break it, damage it, destroy it, or get it stuck in something. I heard that he needed to be near me at all times.

Then I took away "everything." Playing outside with the toys. Playing inside with the toys. Playing with the other children. For a week. It doesn't matter what he did or if the offenses meet the "punishment." (They do and they don't. ) It matters that I took advantage of an opportunity to make his world a little smaller (which I actually didn't think was possible) and take away the anxiety that all those choices, all that responsibility, all that "choice" creates for this little boy.

It has been a week (and he asked for me to extend it until this weekend by telling me that if I let him play in the play area he was going to break something of Milagro's) and he has had the BEST WEEK EVER in homeschooling. He has finally learned his numbers up to 35 and can write them accurately without looking. He remembers how to write his first AND last name. His handwriting has improved. His drawing and coloring are absolutely breath-taking. His decoding includes actually remembering consonant blends--th, sh, ch, bl, st, etc. and the sounds that oo, ou, ow, aw, au, and ing make. When he sits with his books to "read" he actually tries to sound out the words and remembers most of the words he knows. When he plays on his mat with a few choice toys he mostly plays with them appropriately. His voice stays in the normal range for volume AND we actually understand his speech a whole lot better. Most importantly, he seems happier. Yes, we still get the defiance and the opposition. Yes, he still tries to do the opposite of what he is asked. Yes, he still pouts and cries when there's a big transition (like bedtime) but it is so much better. And he is genuinely smiling more often. Today he happily did Corazon's chores because she isn't doing so well and he smiled all day long.

He was letting me know that he needed ME. I have resisted this with all of my being because he doesn't have RAD. Yes, he has some attachment issues and probably some form of ODD coupled with language development challenges. But since my other two with RAD need CONSTANT supervision and monitoring, I had let this go on for way too long. So now we are making his world a whole lot smaller and we are making gains quickly and steadily.

I hate it when I don't listen to what my kids are really saying.

Lesson learned.

Again.

Musings by Milagro

2011-10-17T08:02:00.000-05:00

Milagro is obsessed with all things Sc**by D**. She, Pollito and our 4 year old neighbor can play for hours making up and solving Scooby and the gang mysteries. She is also a chatterbox. Sometimes this makes for an interesting combination.

This morning she came downstairs and announced that we had a new mystery to solve because the ghost on the zip line (one of our Halloween decorations) was going off "more than usual." I hadn't noticed. She came over to hug me good morning and continued. Her theory was that "onalarity" was happening. Having no idea what she was talking about I asked her what that meant. She announced "ON-A-LAR-ITY!" Still unsure about what she was saying I asked her to explain. "Onalarity means that one ghost is controlling another ghost, even if one ghost is real and the other is pretend like ours on the zip line!", she said. I asked her where she got this word and she said she made it up. ("I always make up words mom, I am smart like that!")

Then she announced "Mom, our house has a lot of mysteries."
"It does?", I asked.
"Yes, mom. LOTS of mysteries. First there's the mystery of where Grandma Ginny is up in the sky." (C.'s grandmother just passsed away last week.)
"Then, there's the mystery of why my closet door doesn't close all the way when we slam it shut.", she continued.
"And, there's the mystery of where is my wallet."
"And, now there's the mystery of "onalarity" and the zip line ghost." she concluded.

After a short silence, she asked "which mystery do you want to talk about first--closet, ghost, Grandma Ginny or wallet? Come sit next to me so we can have our talk." as she patted the seat right next to her on the couch.

All this before my morning coffee.

More on feelings

2011-09-23T20:14:00.001-05:00

I continue to work to remind myself about the ways my son experiences his world. I am pretty aware of how we experience him and when we are in the midst of dealing with one of his huge outbursts I can lose sight of what he must feel everyday. Last time I wrote about this I was focused on hurt, hurting, angry and scared. I think those are the "biggies" for him but I think there are a few other things also going on for him and other children who have experienced trauma.

For both my children who have RAD I think one of the states they are often in and/or feelings they experience are of being completely out of control. This stems out of constantly being in survival mode and so many things trigger them all day long that not only are they constantly in the throws of PTSD but they have no control over their reactions and feelings and often times can't even figured out the what or why behind their responses. They are in a constant state of reacting to whatever is triggering them and sometimes everything else goes out the window.

Many, many years ago my 3 year old niece was killed in a freak car-train accident and my brother was driving the car. He walked away with a few scratches and she lay in a hospital bed for a couple of weeks fighting for her life. When she died my brother was out of control in all areas of his life. He couldn't function in any area of his life-work, marriage, etc. which was perfectly understandable. Not only was he wracked with grief but he also suffered from a severe case of survivor's guilt and he relived the experience over and over again-in his waking hours and while he slept. During that time I spent hours talking to him about nothing and everything until he would pass out on the living room couch. Sometimes I would watch him sleep or I'd wake up to his screams in the middle of the night. It was awful to see/hear his pain, fear, hurt, and helplessness and over time we were able to talk about what was going on for him and get him the help he needed. Whenever something brought up these feelings he was usually able to pinpoint why something triggered him and try to work through it. My brother was a relatively well-adjusted, healthy adult when this incredibly traumatic experience happened. My son was/is not and his trauma doesn't have the "story" behind it that can help him and/us identify the triggers and possible avenues to work through them in the same way.

Something that compounds things for Tortuga is that for so long he was medicated for all kinds of things. Starting at about age 4 he had meds to calm him down, put him to sleep, reduce his aggression, and even get him going. At a time when many so-called normal kids are just learning to distinguish between some pretty big feelings-frustration, sadness, disappointment, anger, anxiety, etc.-my son's ability to even have these feelings was ...dulled-for lack of a better word. It is no wonder to me that he learned to express anger and rage and nothing else. He didn't have many of the more traditional ways and guidance of learning about these very big and overwhelming feelings. We have spent years working on distinguishing how disappointment feels as opposed to anger; how frustration and anxiety are similar, yet different, etc. etc. It is hard work for him and it takes time for the "lessons" to sink in when he is used to following a different "path" in how he responds to whatever brings up these feeling for him.

When he cannot figure out what the feeling he is having is, he would quickly spiral downward and out of control and meltdown or rages. I think the emotions are so huge and so raw and so overwhelming that he gets lost in them so quickly. When he gets this way he cannot see past those overwhelming feelings and so he just has to give in. Of course, once the dam is released it all comes pouring out until he exhausts himself which takes a really long time because not only does he need the release but there is something that is oh-so-powerful in expressing those primal feelings. Sometimes this is the only time he feels "in control." He is now at a point where he recognized that this has happened so when we talk about it afterward he kind of smiles because he realizes that we have "caught on" to what is going on and he can recognize it too. We are working on helping him recognize what is happening before he loses control rather than after the fact. But it is HARD work and we don't always succeed.

I have to remember that he is trying and he is working hard and it doesn't always go the right way and it doesn't always end well but he. is. trying. He is also exhausted and for us it means we have to make his world really, really, small and very predictable and very routine (sometimes boring could be substituted here) and very structured with lots of "time out" thrown in.

RAD still lives here...

2011-09-22T07:30:00.000-05:00

After a summer of fun, back-to-back birthday celebrations, down-time with family, etc., there is ALWAYS fall out. Actually "fall-out" doesn't begin to describe what our last three weeks have been like. While both older kids did better before and during the celebrations, their feelings of jealousy and need to prove to themselves that they don't "deserve" to have this much fun made for some very rocky times.

Tortuga has packed his backpack and planned to run away, has verbally assaulted his younger brother when he thinks we aren't listening, has refused to do his schoolwork correctly, has been rude, disrespectful, testing boundaries, BUT he has not raged, threatened to kill us, drawn pictures of mutilated bodies. He hasn't even had a meltdown. Progress I think.

It has been almost 4 years since we adopted him and in that time he has made progress. Lots of it. It has been hard for him, for us, and for the rest of the kids. When I let myself think about it too much I feel guilty that our other children have had to live with so much of what they have had to live with in our own home. Yet, I also think about where my son has been and how hard all this has been for/on him. Each time I think I cannot do "this" any longer I think about what he has had to do and how much longer he has had to do it. Then everything comes back into perspective. Yes, it's not fair-to any of us-to have to put up with all that we put up with but we are family. We are on this journey together and family does what family needs to do to make it work.

I try to remember that my son is hurt and hurting. He carries the impact of the harm that was done to him in utero and in those early formative years. He has the cognitive and learning scars of this harm and he carries the emotional and developmental scars as well. But mostly he carries the hurt. The incredible hurt and pain of losing his birth mom who despite his intellectual understanding of what happened he still loves with all his might in the way that a five year old loves their mother and wishes for their mother and idolizes their mother. It's visceral and primal and so very real despite everything he knows and understands about why he cannot (and often does not want to) live with her. I cannot even imagine what it must feel like to walk around with that hurt every single day.

I try to remember that my son is scared. He has learned the the world is a scary place full of scary things real and imagined. Years of watching late night horror flicks (think Chucky, Freddie and Michael My*ers), being left alone for days with only these movies for company, being locked out of his home, wandering out into busy city streets in the middle of the night, have all taught him that the world in not safe. He hasn't had years to learn to trust and believe that someone will be there to protect him from this. He has learned to trust only his own ability to keep himself safe (and he doesn't feel all that confident about this either.) Add to it the constant moves to new homes, new people, new schools, new caregivers, social workers, and foster parents, he learned to always be afraid. No wonder he is hyper-vigilant, constantly on edge, lashing out first, always tense, always ready to fight. Danger is possibly at every turn and despite the fact that I think he should know by now that we are keeping him safe and aren't going to let harm come his way he doesn't yet KNOW that for sure. His guard isn't completely down yet and who knows how long it will be before he can truly believe we are going to keep him safe. He may never do so but it doesn't mean we can stop trying.

I try to remember that my son is angry and he has good reason to be angry. Sure his anger is misdirected but who else is he supposed to be angry at? I am here and right in front of him every day. It's much easier to be angry at me than at all the other not-so-tangible people and reasons that he has a right to be angry about. The thing is he probably doesn't even really know what is angry about. Sometimes I see that his anger is at himself --for being "bad, " for trusting, for caring, for trying, for not trying, for making mistakes, for doing things wrong, for doing them "right" and it not making a difference, for loving and not being loved in return, for caring, for destroying things, for wanting to destroy things, etc. He has so many reasons to be angry and he has seen first hand that when someone is angry they hurt and destroy so that is what he does. He directs this anger at us, our family, his things, but mostly at himself. My job is, and has been, to help him channel his anger. To honor his right to be angry but to teach him how to not let his anger destroy him or those he cares about.

Each of my children have a "treasure" box in which they keep special tokens and reminders of things that are important and irreplaceable. For Tortuga one of the things in his treasure box is a plastic ziplock bag with all the pieces of the cards we gave him and friends and family gave him when he first came to our family. They used to hang on his bulletin board but in a rage one day 3 years ago he tore them to little bits. I picked them up and saved them in a bag with a note reminding him of what they were and how they got damaged. For a long time he wanted to throw it away so I kept it. Then he wanted to tape them back together but I wouldn't let him. Recently we put them back in his treasure box and he said he thought he understood why I wouldn't let him tape them back together. He said "because it is there to remind me of what I did and what I never want to do again." When I asked him what he meant he said that he thought that whatever he did never mattered. When he sees that bag he remembers that it matters to us and to him because he regrets it. He says it reminds him that he never wants to destroy something that irreplaceable ever again.

Dinosaurs everywhere!

2011-09-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

Pollito wanted dinosaurs EVERYWHERE for his birthday celebration. So we obliged. Tortuga and Corazon worked very hard to make this a special birthday party and I think we succeeded. It is tough doing birthday celebrations back to back and I am working hard to convince them that next year a joint bash is the way to go. Here are the highlights for Pollito's day!

A very fairy birthday

2011-09-01T11:38:00.000-05:00

Milagro's 4th birthday celebration featured lots of fairy-everything.

There were fairy houses and fairy doors...

Lots of fairies...

Tutus and fairy wings...

Fairy dust...

Fairy food...

Fairy dancing, games and crafts...

A very special birthday girl and her siblings...

And, of course...

That green bike!

Birthdays

2011-08-31T21:55:00.000-05:00

Milagro is a child who knows her own mind. She knows what she wants and what she likes. In many ways she is spoiled in the manner of youngest children. In other ways she is neglected because she has a maturity beyond her years and always seems to be fine when the older children need more attention. She is the only one of our children who can entertain herself for long periods of time without engaging in destructive or unsafe behaviors. So when she asked for a "Fairy Birthday Party" I wholeheartedly embraced the idea and set out to plan one. As the weeks passed she articulated her desires for such a birthday--tutus, fairy wings, fairy dust, fairy foods ("ALL sweets ands sugar mom!!!"), and lots of fairies and fairy music. Her only birthday present request was the same as every year--a green bike! Would this be the year?

At the same time Pollito asked for another Dinosaur cake. Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT the cake-baking type. I am good at lots of things. Making and decorating cakes isn't one of them as my first attempt for his 3rd birthday would clearly illustrate. At first I tried to merge the dinosaur birthday theme with the fairy theme. ("Why could he have chosen dragons?" I asked myself.) Then I realized that maybe it was time for them to have separate birthday celebrations. Their birthdays are 7 days apart right at the end of the summer/beginning of school. With the temperatures in Texas reaching well over 100 degrees each day and all the other things going on at this time of year it is always easier to plan a joint celebration. Against my own instincts I broached the question to Pollito. "Would you like to have your birthday party with Milagro or separately?" His response, "My own. ... and can I wear a tutu and fairy wings for Milagro's party?"

Tortuga, Corazon and I set out to plan their celebrations. As part of our summer schooling Tortuga and Corazon were given the tasks of planning fairy and dinosaur related activities. They engaged in learning about these creatures, planning out games, finding books to read to the littles, and driving me nuts for weeks as supplies were found and activities were planned. All in all I am so proud of these two. They struggle mightily with need for attention (being the center of it) and jealousy. Yet, they threw themselves wholeheartedly into planning, learning, and teaching the littles about fairies and dinosaurs. Their knowledge about fairies and dinosaurs continues to astound me. Milagro and Pollito had memorable birthdays and even more than a week later, Milagro will crawl into my lap, give me a hug and tell me "thank you mom, that was the best-est birthday ever!"

Pollito turns 7!

2011-08-29T21:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Pollito,

My beautiful boy you are growing up so fast. I cannot believe you are now 7 years old! When I look at you I still picture that 2 and 1/2 year old toddler with a head of curly hair. Your hair is not as curly and we keep it cut short so the curls only make an appearance to let us know we should cut your hair soon. Although if you had your druthers you would like to grow it long like your sister Corazon. I am afraid your hair would likely grow up but not necessarily down. You still ask for barrettes and bows in your hair and we do try to accommodate you.

This year you have grown by leaps and bounds in every way although you are still a "little guy." You just made the weight requirement to move out of a booster seat, with harness, and that makes you very happy. However, the rest of us prefer the harness because keeping still and to yourself in the car is a major challenge. You have earned the nickname "annoying little brother" from everyone and while trying at times, your annoyances are generally intended to make people laugh. You demand attention at every turn and will do anything to get a laugh--dance, sing, make funny faces, etc. You are a performer and even though mama and I get frustrated with your behaviors we have to work hard to keep from laughing out loud when we are redirecting you. You ARE FUNNY! You also have a knack for pushing everyone's buttons, including ours.

You have enjoyed a year of ballet, tap and hip hop classes. You LOVE these although you always approach them with a tentativeness and hesitation that makes your teachers wonder if you are enjoying yourself. They don't realize that from the minute you get home until the next class we are entertained by your demonstrations of all that you learned in this week's classes. Anytime good music comes on, your hips and your shoulders start to move and you couldn't stop yourself from dancing if you tried. You are also trying out soccer for the first time and we think you are a natural. Your coaches would agree and even after just 2 sessions they have already commented that they are ready for you to "explode" on the field. You haven't hit your stride in this yet but it is coming. You also started piano this year and while I cannot tell if you really like it or not I think it is helping you in other areas, such as reading.

Reading has been an incredible challenge for you but mostly because you are barely interested in it. You love books and listening to stories but you aren't yet interested in reading the books yourself. You have all the building blocks for reading but you don't usually try to read. I think something clicked for you with music though because it was soon after starting piano that you read your first book out loud. You worked hard at it and were very proud of yourself. Since then you have read about 7 books and then announced you didn't want to learn to read yet. As with other things, we aren't worried. We know you will get there when you are ready and I secretly think that will be very soon.

You still love trains and this year we saw you develop a new "eye" in your ability to set up trains. You build elaborate scenes with your tracks and trains and your attention to detail is incredible. None of your siblings can do this. You are also able to do this with your dinosaurs, cars, block, and other animals and can entertain your sisters for long periods of time as you narrate what you are doing. You are still prone to take things apart and "destroy" things (sometimes deliberately) but you are getting better at putting them together again.

You are our most affectionate child and if we let you, you would spend a good chuck of time on our laps or sitting right next to us. Your favorite place to be is still right next to me or at my feet. Speaking of feet, you give the best foot rubs of anyone in this family and you are the only kid I know who gets upset when I turn down an offer for a foot massage.

Your creative abilities have also grown tremendously this year. Your drawings show wonderful use of color and detail--way more than even 6 months ago. It feels as though you opened your eyes and saw a brand new world filled with color recently. We used to wonder if you were color-blind or simply didn't like color (beyond orange, pink and red) but clearly that isn't the case. You make at least 2 drawings a day (one for me and one for mama) and we are running out of places to keep them.

You still have many fears--the dark, loud sounds, dogs, being alone, quiet, Elmo(I think he is creepy too)--but your ability to handle these has improved a great deal. I am relieved that you have finally stopped having nightly nightmares AND night terrors! Your body seems more relaxed when you sleep and this is a huge change from even last year. You still want to be cuddled at night and I will be one very sad mom when you decide you are too "old" for this. I am hoping it will be many, many years from now before this happens.

I enjoy our conversations when we have "coffee" together in the mornings. Usually we can only manage to do this a couple of times each week where it is just the two of us. Don't tell any of your siblings but those are my absolutely favorite mornings because you come up with such insightful observations and thoughtful questions. I often marvel at how rarely you let any of us in to hear those ideas of yours.

Never doubt how much we have loved you since the first day we set eyes on you. You are a sensitive soul but also so much stronger than you know. I have so many other things I could say when I think of this past year but I will stop. You are a sensitive, smart, silly, funny, bright, caring, and fun child who brings a smile to my face every single day. I thank the Creator each day for bringing you into my life. Happy Birthday, Pollito, and I hope you will always know how much I love you.

Milagro is Four!

2011-08-22T22:48:00.001-05:00

Dearest Milagro,

I cannot believe you are four years old today! The time has passed so quickly. You are such an incredibly joy and every day I feel such gratitude for the gift that you are.

You are the child of my soul. Sometimes it feels like you are years wiser than your young age and your sensitivity to those around you is impressive. You are definitely a night owl and even though I deny it and complain when you keep me up at night with your constant chatter, I secretly love it. We share this in common and often stay up together well after everyone else has gone to sleep. Sometimes we make up stories and our current series features "Queen Meridian" (our oldest cat) and all of her helpful antics around the house.

Your heart is so great and each time I think you cannot get any sweeter you surprise me. You are fiercely loyal and protective of your siblings and I hope someday they realize how much your love has helped them heal. You have loved them unconditionally from day one and even though you now get into tiffs with them you still are their greatest fan. If Pollito gets in trouble you jump to his defense. You will even go and sit with him in time-out and reassure him that he is ok. You do this even when the reason he is in trouble is for hitting/being mean to you. When Corazon gets upset or angry you work your hardest to make her laugh. Your current strategy is to sing Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)." Every night you crawl into my lap and tell me how much you love us. It usually starts with "I'm gonna love you forever and ever and ever and ever." The we trade "I love you mores" and you run through the litany of your favorites-strawberries, peanut butter, cheese, ritz crackers, mac&cheese, blueberries, popsicles, ice cream, etc.. Then we culminate with "I love you more than rice and beans AND EVERYTHING!" You say "I love you" at least a dozen times each day to me and Mama and I pray that this never changes.

You are a quirky kid and come up with some funny ideas. You call Corazon "Twin" these days and recently someone asked you why. You explained that one day she dressed like you and you told her she looked like your twin. So you decided to call her twin. You both do it now and sometimes in public one of you will exclaim "Twin!" and the other responds "Twin!" leave everyone around wondering what is going on between you. You have a special bond with Corazon and want to do everything she does. You are so lucky that she will drop everything to play with you. I hope someday you realize how lucky you are to have your 11 year old sister truly enjoy spending time with you. She indulges you and caters to you and loves you more than either of you realize.

Your current favorite song is Lady Gaga's "Telephone" and as tired as I am of hearing it I will put in on in the car the minute you ask because hearing you sing ALL the words always brings a smile to my face. Your bedtime teeth-brushing routine is would make any dentist proud and makes us wonder about your future profession. You currently own 7 toothbrushes and you use all of them (not every night.) We must sound ridiculous when we try to talk you OUT of brushing your teeth on the nights we forget and you remember after we have tucked you in. We have even bribed you into not brushing your teeth a few times and I hope you don't hold that against us in the future. You are all about whales and Scooby Doo these days. You and your siblings make up Scooby and "the gang" mysteries and have gotten several of the neighborhood preschoolers coming over here daily to play "Scooby" with you. Mama's desk is littered with "clues" that you have collected throughout your day. Each time you find a "clue" you get so excited and your face lights up. Speaking of collections, you are still into collecting "special" rocks, sticks, leaves, and other garden treasures. We have a shoebox that is about to reach capacity and even though I sneak some out and put them back I swear you find the same exact ones and return them. You also like to bring me flowers. When you and Mama go for a walk or do the grocery run I usually end up on the receive end of a beautiful bouquet or the sweetest single flower you have managed to find even when nothing seems to be blooming around here. Don't tell anyone but I have pressed quite a few of these small blossoms in my monthly planner and they make me smile each time I come across one.

This year you took dance classes--ballet and tap--for the first time. I will have to admit that we chuckle at your lack of grace we are greatly impressed by the seriousness and commitment with which you tackle every class. You LOVE dance class and have begged to take another one this Fall. You tell anyone who asks that you will be taking hip hop too because you want to do everything Pollito does. You have also taken a tremendous interest in school and reading. You can count to 29 easily and you know all your letters and recognize most of them in print. You will even make the letter sounds for many of them when you read your books. It sometimes frustrates you that you cannot read yet but you use that to your advantage whenever you want us to read you a book. When you ask us to read you a story and we encourage you to read to yourself you make us feel guilty by saying "but I can't read!" then you turn each page and say "blah, blah, blah.... SEE! I can't read." It works almost every time and guilts us into reading to you. You are a smart one!

You are truly struggling with becoming a "big kid." You have wanted this for a long time and lamented the fact that you are "too little" and "can't do anything." However you aren't ready to be a big kid and lately you have started talking in what you call a "baby voice" so that we "don't forget I'm your baby." We could never forget. Nonetheless we cannot convince you of that. Mama and I laugh because you never had a "baby voice." In fact, when you are in classes or groups where adults use that "sing-song" voice that many people use when talking to kids your age you ask why they "speak funny"? You don't understand why they won't speak "regular" and why they are talking to you like a "baby." You have taken to telling us that you don't ever want to get big and that you want to "stay little for a long, long, long time." Even so, you are growing up and you are wise beyond your years.

I could go on and on about who you are and who you are becoming but I will pause here to say that you are a happy, healthy, caring, joyous, thoughtful, and loving little girl who makes me feel like the luckiest mom in the world. Happy Birthday sweet child. Thank you for being you.

Summer highlights (mostly pictures)

2011-08-19T23:40:00.000-05:00

Our trip back East went by all too quickly. All told we were gone for six and a half weeks and overall the kids did pretty well. They always enjoy this trip and they are happy to get back to their "roots." We returned to Texas ready to tackle all kinds of home projects and kid "challenges." I will try to write more on that later but for now wanted to note some of our summer adventures.

The crew...

Our home away from home. (When we move in we move in....)

Ind*go G*rls Concert (a family tradition...)

Zoo trips...

Friends....

A week of camping... (really needs its own post)

The wonderful MA wedding celebration of our dear TX friends ...

Plus lots of beach time...

And of course, no trip to New England is complete without one of these...

There's more. So much more. I just haven't managed to find the time to sit and reflect on it. It was a good trip. We are glad to be home and welcoming the changes (good and not so good) that usually result once the dust settles from our travels. I will write more soon. Promise.

My children's future and other thoughts...

2011-06-25T07:30:00.000-05:00

As C. and I drove through CT earlier this week she turned to me and said "Yay! We're legal again." It is a running "joke" between us each year as we return to MA. Our MA (and even our TX) friends wonder what the heck we were thinking moving to TX where we could not enjoy the benefits of having our marriage legally recognized. We don't have a very good answer to that beyond the call to return "home" and be closer to my family (who isn't too keen on same sex marriage anyway but who, for the most part, loves and supports our family.)

My mother won't ever talk about it although this past year she acknowledged the significance of our relationship by giving C. a birthday card in which she wrote to C. that she "know(s) how much you mean to my daughter and how happy you make her. I also know you are the best thing that every happened to her." And later this year for mother's day she sent both of us a sappy card where she added and "s" to the word "daughter" and wrote how much she values everything we do for her. As a regular church-goer who has great faith in both her God and her religion, I know she must struggle with this. She has never said the "M-word" about our relationship and she probably never will. I also know she loves us and supports us and was outraged when we told her we had a very hefty tax burden this year due to the feds not recognize our marriage. (Long story. Pain in the b*tt.)

It has been raining in MA since we arrived so except for attending the Ind*go G*rls concert Thursday night we have stayed in. It's given us a chance to settle in as we take over our friend's home (which was also our old home) for the next month and a half. As I was unpacking and sorting through clothes we left here last summer Pollito came across one of Corazon's dresses from last summer. He asked to try it on.

He has recently been very focused on wearing dresses although he has always leaned towards things society deems as "girls' things." His current favorite color is pink, he loves to play house and with his baby dolls, he talks about his "husband." He regularly shares dreams of wearing dresses and bathing suits. A couple of weeks ago he asked me quite seriously if I would let him wear a dress "in the house, not outside." When I said I would he beamed. He then explained that he would not want to wear it outside because boys don't wear dresses and other people don't like to see boys wearing dresses. The he asked, with what seemed to be a hopeful tone, if maybe he was wrong and boys did wear dresses. I explained him that most boys do not wear dresses but some do. He was happy and said he was excited to wear one. I promptly let go of that conversation because it is one of many we have had. Since he was three he has claimed that when he grows up he is going to be a girl. Lately that has changed to him wanting to be a boy who sometimes wears "girls' clothes" and to having a husband when he grows up if he doesn't live with me FOREVER!

So when he asked to try on the dress I said "Sure!" and passed it to him. He was so excited to wear it that he had to show everyone and kept it on for the bulk of the afternoon. He also wanted to paint his fingernails and toenails to match his dress. We did all that and he was beaming. In fact I haven't seen him this happy is a really long time. He is still only six years old and who knows what will come of this but yesterday I knew for sure that despite his desire to wear dresses giving me pause, there was no way I could say "no" to him and feel good about that. Especially not after seeing how happy it made him.

Late last night New York became the sixth state to legalize same-sex marriage. I stayed up to watch the coverage because it is important to me. Very important. This decision makes me happy. Very happy. It means that our country is one step closer to living up to its promise of equal protection and rights for all its citizens. It means one step closer to stopping the denial of 1138+ federal rights to our non-hetereosexual couples. I know this decision is controversial. I know that some people's personal beliefs are challenged. I know that many cannot reconcile same sex marriage with their religious conviction that only heterosexuality is "right" in the eyes of God. I know that when my children grow up, should one of them be gay or lesbian, I want them to be able to love whomever they want, marry who they wish to marry, and be protected by law wherever they may choose to live.

Our Summer Vacation Begins...

2011-06-19T22:13:00.002-05:00

We have had a full couple of weeks as we prepared to travel back East for the next month and a half or so. C. had several business trips and ended up being away for the 4 days leading up to our departure. The kids were amazing. Despite the fact that Tortuga, Pollito and Corazon's behaviors were a bit erratic (due to the anticipation and anxiety of taking this trip), we pulled it off. We managed to get cat sitters lined up, mailbox keys to the right people, the van packed, the house closed down, and leave only an hour behind schedule after Milagro peed ALL the bedding on my bed that morning! I could NOT leave without washing those out so we had a more leisurely breakfast than planned and just waited for the laundry to finish. Although I did leave a load in the dryer which I am hoping to get someone who is checking on things to take out of there.

Once we departed we drove to Dallas to pick up C. who was wrapping up some work. Our hope was to head out for a couple of hours in order to make some headway. We have to be in Boston no later than the morning of the 23rd and we have many places and people we want to see. The kids anxiety seemed to dissipate as soon as all of us were in the van and the past three days have been relatively smooth (I probably just jinxed myself.) We drove through Texas, Louisiana, Alabama and into Georgia and managed to visit some historical sites. My kids are still such "geeks" and they have a huge list of historical sites they want to visit. We studied civil war and civil rights this Spring so those are high on the agenda. They also have requested to visit colonial Williamsburg so we are doing our best to get there. They are having so much fun and I am especially proud of Tortuga who is working hard to keep it together. Here are a few pictures of our trip so far.

Ready to go.

Rest Stop Breaks...

Corazon gets to see the "largest oil painting" up close and personal at the Atlanta Civil War Museum.

Goofing around in the museum...

Milagro explains to me what all these artifacts are.

The obligatory "everyone in front of the monument" picture...

Learning about Martin Luther King.

We even had a chance to visit a college we hope will make it onto at least one of the girls' list when the time is right...

The highlights of our trip thus far were a visit with two trauma moms who have daughters with RAD and getting to see Corazon's birth family. I have so much I want to say about both of those visits but I need to be up early tomorrow so it will have to wait until my next window to write.

What happened to May? (and April for that matter...)

2011-06-13T21:37:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have taken the time to write. I was trying to figure out what the heck I have been doing besides the same old routine of dealing with two kids whose RAD and ODD has kicked into high gear. These pictures pretty much some up all the good times these couple of months (I refused to photograph the RAD moments....)

EASTER....

OUTDOOR FUN...

("I'm looking at the most beautiful sky mom!")

VISIT FROM GRANDPARENTS....

TREE HUGGING.... CLIMBING....

THREE WEEKENDS OF DANCE RECITALS!!!

A FEW OF THESE CONCERTS ...

A THREE YEAR OLD I KNOW AND LOVE LEARNED TO RIDE A TWO-WHEEL....

I HAD A BIRTHDAY...

AND of course, the obsession with all things Scooby Doo (Velma in particular) continues...

So happy April is over...

2011-05-04T23:59:00.002-05:00

Of course there was payback from that wonderful birthday celebration for Tortuga. In fact, I can honestly say this was the worst month we have had in almost a year. Each and every day there were issues--little ones and big ones. The little ones pale by comparison to the big ones. We had three distinct days where C. and I seriously considered calling the police. On one of those we did talk to the police and made contact with a "mental health" police officer. Things had gotten so bad that C. had actually packed some of his clothes in a bag and had it ready by the door. We were THAT close to hospitalization for that kid. In all honesty the only thing that kept us from following through is our lack of familiarity with those systems here in TX AND the fact that we always have concerns about how our family configuration will be dealt with.

On one of those day he not only issued his usual threats of hating us and wanting to k*ll us. He also articulated a pretty detailed plan of what he would do, when and how. One thing that threw C. off was that he called attention to waiting until she was on one of her business trips so he could get the rest of us while she was gone. He generally "fears" her physical strength although he has never had much of a physical altercation with her. Usually the physical attacks are reserved for me. At this point he is almost my height but I am still physically stronger than him but he seems to now have a "plan" for doing us in at night. Of course he is also terrified of the dark and the night and won't even leave his room if it is dark in the hallway which was somewhat reassuring. He also threatened to tell the police about how "horrible" we were so that they would "take the rest of the kids in(to) foster care."

Much of this incident happened while I was out running an errand and apparently what set him off was that I told him he couldn't play with his transformers until after guitar practice. Poor C. had to handle it by herself until I got home and by the time I got back he was a puddle of tears and fears because she had told him she was calling the police and sending him to a hospital. He is TERRIFIED of both of those things so no matter how off he is it usually settles him down if we even suggest he might need to go see a doctor. Nonetheless, it really took it's toll on C. and she ended up having to reschedule a business trip and the next time she went out of town she didn't want the kids to know she would be gone overnight. This whole incident made me wonder about how desensitized I may be getting to these threats. In our time with him I have almost always been the one who has to deal with these physical and verbal assaults and I have a way of "interpreting" what he says and what I think he means so sometimes I think I don't take them at face value or as seriously as she does. I suppose sometimes that provides balance but other times it makes me wonder if I will miss the real warning signs.

This past week I was in the upstairs bathroom dealing with one of his meltdowns(very close to a rage) and C. was keeping the other kids busy. Our oldest cat, Meridian, sneaked in and I didn't see her and accidentally stepped on her in such a way that I lost my balance and fell onto the floor. My screams, the cat's screams and Tortuga's cries of concern (even though he was in the middle of a meltdown) brought C. running up the stairs so fast. I could tell by the look on her face that she thought he had hurt me and I even had the presence of mind to make him step far away from me because my first thought was that if she saw him standing over me she would think he had done it. He was crying real tears of concern and the meltdown/rage dissipated really quickly. I assured her I was fine (twisted ankle, bruised knee, and what I think is a serious bone bruise) and that she should check out our cat who was still lying down licking her wounds. This incident really brought to light some of the fears we all have and even the two little kids thought Tortuga had hurt me. I was more focused on how quickly his meltdown ended when he thought I was hurt and I must have gotten no less than a dozen inquiries from him about my well-being over the course of the next few days.

I think this is where our current issue lies. I have banked on the fact that he is attaching and he does care about us and that most of the "trash talk" is just that--talk. I think I still believe that to be true. C. has asked that I consider what happens when he "sees red" and acts on impulse and out of anger. While he is always remorseful and embarrassed by his behaviors once it passes there is no doubt that when he is in the middle of it he isn't thinking at all and all he wants to do is hurt us/me. It is clear that despite the tremendous progress he has made we still have this lingering fear that we have to work with/through. How do we do that?

The Next Day...

2011-04-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

The day after Tortuga's celebration he woke up completely dysregulated. He went into the bathroom to do his morning routine and got upset because I gave him a new bar of soap instead of body wash. (He has always used soap.) He started screaming that he hated me and that I never give him what he needs. He went on and on about how he was going to hurt me and how miserable I made life for him. That was the beginning of a pretty terrible day. There was no way to diffuse or redirect him. By dinnertime I was exhausted and had sent him to bed.

On the plus side, he didn't lose it the day before. I also knew enough to expect that there would be payback for so many reasons--celebration, fun, friends, sugar, being the center of attention, new toys, feeling so incredibly loved. The range of feelings he must have experienced are far beyond anything I can imagine. On the plus side, he didn't rage or meltdown. Yes, he was vicious, rude, mean, disrespectful, and all of those are intolerable and hell to deal with but he didn't rage or meltdown. I am hanging on to that. On the negative side, it made for a horrible beginning to our week and this threw everyone off.

Corazon handles other kids getting attention pretty well now when we have parties, etc. Including her in the planning and preparation certainly kept her attention-seeking behaviors to a minimum. BUT, once it passes, she starts to act out too and ACT. OUT. she did. So there I was dealing with both of them needing constant attention and pulling out all the stops to get it in negative ways.

In addition, Corazon has been struggling with some of her "normal" kid privileges. We have always had issues with her sneaking and lying. Mostly now they are in the more normal range. When she does sneak it is usually something innocuous like reading. However, she behaves as though it is one of the worst things in the world if she gets away with it. I had noticed that she was "sneaking" reading when she was supposed to be doing other things (putting away her clothes, getting dressed, doing schoolwork, cleaning her room, etc.) We only recently let her have a bookshelf and books in her room and this is causing her some angst. The more she gets away with sneaking reading the worse she behaves. I have told her that she is going to have to figure that one out. I am NOT going to take the books and shelf away and she is going to have to figure out how she manages that responsibility because she is READY. It is hard for me to stick to this but just like she has needed practice with other things she needs practice with this. So we do this dance. She sneaks and wants to be punished in some way. I refuse to "catch" her at it and give her consequences. She gets frustrated and anxious BUT she does stop herself for a few days. I know it seems torturous for all of us but this child desperately needs to know that she can STOP herself from doing things that aren't in her best interest and that I won't always be there to catch her. Of course, I am cheating because I can do this about sneaking books whereas I don't think I could do this about a whole host of other things. Anyway, the good news is that she is able to go longer and longer without sneaking reading and I am hoping this transfers to other things. However, the process, is so NOT fun!

Birthday Celebration

2011-04-27T22:40:00.000-05:00

Earlier this month we celebrated Tortuga's 12th birthday. It has been a month of ups and downs for this child. We have had some wonderful moments and some pretty awful ones too. I think I have about eight different posts that I want to write or have started to write but I get sidetracked by the goings on around here. Right now I want to focus on Tortuga's birthday.

We had planned a surprise party for him in hopes of diffusing some of the fallout that normally occurs. We told him we would be celebrating it a week after his actual birthday due to some work travel for C. In actuality we planned the party for his actual day. Corazon was in on the surprise and she helped me tremendously as we made plans and preparations for the weeks leading up to his day. He wanted a "Lego" day so we had ordered a cake, goodies for the party, and even a special shirt for him. When the day came, we were ready and he had held it together beautifully up until then (which has NOT been the case in previous years.)

We started the day with our usual birthday greetings, special breakfast, and a few presents.

Then we sent him off to do his usual post-breakfast morning routines and activities. While he was in his room the rest of us went to work getting the place ready and decorating for the party. By the time our first guest arrived we were sent and he was none the wiser. It was perfect. By the time he realized we were celebrating his birthday he didn't have time to anticipate and mess thing up for himself.

The party was an overwhelming success. We tried to keep it low-key by keeping the kids outside playing with their bikes, skateboards, roller blades, hoops, and basketballs. We had never been able to pull off a "party" for him that included more than our immediate family, but we managed to entertain 16 kids ranging in age from 6 months to 14 year on what turned out to be a beautiful day! Tortuga really looks up to Christine's sons and Corazon was thrilled to spend time with her daughters so it was especially wonderful to have them join us. Overall the day was a huge success. Here are some of the highlights.

Cake...

Hula Hoops...

T-shirt decorating...

Pizza...

Bikes, roller-blades, scooters, and skateboards...

Lego car kits, bracelet making, sidewalk chalk...

Even the adults got in on some of the fun...

Our dear friends' babies definitely stole the show...

Milagro hung back and took it all in....

The best part of this day, besides seeing Tortuga thoroughly enjoy himself, was that he HELD. IT. TOGETHER. After everyone had gone home we let him open his presents and hung out. He still didn't lose it and he was feeling pretty good about himself. He even thanked us for a great day and for "loving me so much."

The next day...that's another story...

The look of progress...part 2

2011-04-04T23:30:00.043-05:00

Tortuga was very happy to have me home from Orlando. He wanted to be near me all the time. We went out to lunch when I returned and all he wanted to do was hug me and sit at the table with me rather than go play with the other kids at the playground. He genuinely seemed happy to see me and was quick to articulate that. He was also really angry at me for leaving and I could sense that just under the surface. He held it together until we got home and THEN it started. My usual statement of "Please go do your nighttime routine" was met with a GROWL, a stare-down, a stomp and muttering under his breath. A reminder to put away his clothes was met with open hostility and a resounding "NO!" A request that he change his tone resulted in him turning his back on me, yelling that I was "mean" and that he "didn't care." Before it escalated further I called him downstairs and like any smart mom asked him what was going on. Of course he responded with "Nothing!"

So I changed my strategy and said I knew what was wrong. I told him he was mad. He denied it. He was mad at me for leaving. He denied it. He was mad at me for not being home. Denial. He was mad at himself for missing me. "No!" he yelled. He was mad that he even cared. He started crying. Big tears rolling down his face. So I told him, "I know why you are crying. You are crying because you are RELIEVED. Even though you heard me say I would be back and I am always here, a small part of you was WORRIED. Even though you knew I would come home, You were worried." He kept crying and finally told me he had dreamed on both the Friday and Saturday that I was gone and he couldn't find me "no mater how hard I looked". He said he kept thinking about what would happen to him without me if I didn't come home. Poor kid...I felt so sad for him. Yet this was also huge progress. Of course I have know he misses me even when I leave him home to run an errand. But this was for 3 whole days and even though C. was home and he feels safe with her he was still worried.

The next couple of weeks were filled with ups and downs for him. He stayed mad and had to work extra hard to keep himself in check. Sometimes he has succeeded but other times...not so much. I know his anger is fear based but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I know he is healing and I know he is attaching but he still has much to work through.

A week or so ago they were all having an especially difficult time. I had spent ALL day trying to keep the older two regulated, the younger boy from hurting the youngest, and the littlest one out of the fray. By 4:30 p.m. I had the three oldest in bed for the night. I hadn't even fed them dinner! C. and I were putting together a meal for a family whose dad was seriously injured in a biking accident. We were focused on trying to be helpful and the kids were feeling "neglected" because our attention was focused on someone else. By the time I was finished preparing the meal and C. was ready to go deliver it, I had had enough interruptions to last me for the rest of the week! So I put them to bed. When C. returned she lit into the three of them for their behavior and attitude. She was upset because she had seen the kids, their mom, and grandparents and they were so worried about their dad because he had a head and brain injury and still didn't recognize them. She reminded them how precious life it and how wrong it is to take things for granted. Tortuga was the first one to burst into tears and he wanted to apologize for his "selfishness" as soon as she finished speaking. He is most definitely our most selfish and entitled kid so this was a huge deal for him as well. After that I fed them dinner and put them back in their rooms to read before bed so C. and I could have quiet time together.

We are seeing a wide range of expression of feelings from Tortuga. We are working hard with him to name these feelings and the thoughts behind these feelings. We are working to help him match his thoughts, behaviors and feelings because often there is a serious mismatch. For example, he will frown when something good happens. We have also found that writing is an excellent way for him to process his feelings and even though he complains at times about writing it is a strategy I highly recommend for kids who get triggered by verbal interactions. In fact sometimes I will "script" much of what took place and leave blanks for him to fill in the feelings, thoughts and actions. It is a little bit like a mad lib. This strategy has really helped him piece together some of what he is feeling and thinking.

Just because there is progress...

2011-03-27T23:28:00.002-05:00

Just because there is progress doesn't mean there won't be h*ll to pay. I have been home for 3 weeks since my trip to Orlando and it feels like a lifetime ago. C. reported that the children did quite well while I was away. That should have been my first clue. While happy to see me they were mad. Really mad. They wasted very little time in letting me know that.

Corazon has "forgotten" how to do just about everything. Schoolwork is impossible.Chores require direct and constant supervision, reminders, threats, reminders, threats, reminders, etc. The "RAD sock" has turned into the RAD spoon, plate, chair, book, pencil, etc.and happens no less that Around here the "RAD sock" is what we call her wonderful little habit of leaving ONE thing behind just to make sure she gets my attention. She sorts clothes for laundry and ONE article is left in the middle of the family room floor. She takes her clean clothes up to her room and leaves ONE article on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. She unloads the dishwasher and ONE fork is left in the dishwasher. She does her math and ONE problem is left undone. You get the picture. Well now instead of this happening 7 or 8 times each day, we are at dozens and dozens of times each day. We had been steadily making progress in reducing this habit by having EVERYONE else get attention for the "RAD sock." I would find the item and call out Pollito/Milagro/Tortuga/C. (anyone but Corazon) can you come here and get the "RAD sock" for me and then thank them profusely, offer a treat or hug. All the while I might start singing the "RAD sock" song as loud as possible. Right now, if I give the attention to someone else she just escalates the behavior.

Corazon is also immobilized when she is by herself. She always keeps a close eye on me and finds a dozen reasons to need my attention. It is much like a toddler/preschooler who constantly needs to check in "I just used the bathroom.." "I washed my hands." I finished putting my book on the shelf." Etc. Etc. Right now she does it ESPECIALLY when I am talking to anyone else. It didn't help matters that C. has been home for much of the past two weeks because of Spring Break and a slow work week. The minute C. and I are engaging in a conversation Corazon is RIGHT THERE with a question, comment, or not-so-subtle intrusion into our conversation.

Corazon has also started talking back to me about everything. While hormones might be part of the reason and peer influences might be another there is still alot of ANGER in this. In a way I see this as progress not because I think "normal" kids talk back to their parents around this age (I don't buy that argument but that is another story.) I think she is showing her anger in much more appropriate ways. She wants me to know she is mad at me for leaving her and that anger comes out when she feels I am not giving her attention she wants. In the past her ANGER was raging and melting down.

However, we have also had two interesting regressions. The first one happened a week after I was home. She worked herself up into a TOTAL meltdown. She had not had a meltdown in a really long time. I don't even know the reason for the meltdown but while she was on the floor in a puddle of anger and I was sitting next to her just waiting for it to pass she started hitting her fists against the floor and yelling "I hate RAD. I don't want it anymore." She did this 4 or 5 times then let me comfort her. In the past it would have been "I hate you. Leave me alone. I am leaving. Etc." Big progress for her. We have had the conversation about why I don't hate RAD just the behaviors she has learned to use to keep us at bay. We say that we "hate" the way RAD has made it hard for her to trust and let herself be loved but we also have tried to get her to see that RAD served a purpose for a long time. It kept her from getting hurt. The other thing we had was an "almost" peeing incident. She hasn't done that in well over two years. However, to her credit, she was able to reign that in before it became a "full-blown" peeing incident.

Despite all this acting out we tried to do a few family outings and "fun stuff" while C. was around. The kids enjoyed themselves tremendously but had a really difficult times regrouping afterwards. Pretty much the usual behaviors after they have had "too much" fun. All it all it has been a difficult re-entry for them and for me. There have been so many good and bad moments but we are plugging along. I have to write about Tortuga's response to my return in a different post because this is getting too long.

The look of progress...and a few thoughts about Orlando

2011-03-10T07:45:00.001-06:00

When Corazon joined our family she was four and a half. At the time she was a charmer who invited everyone to be her new mom or family. I quickly learned not to leave her with anyone except C. and one friend who struggled with keeping Corazon in check but who trusted my parenting enough to report everything that happened while i was off to work so I could address whatever needed my attention. Otherwise Corazon and I did everything together. I mean everything. I was working full-time and so was C. so when I was presenting a workshop or paper at a conference, she was right there with me. That first year she got to Montreal, Phoenix, San Francisco, Connecticut, New York City, and a whole bunch of other places with me because I could not trust what she might do or say.

During those first two years she was home I never left her with a sitter and every night I was there to put her to bed and to wake up with her at least half a dozen times each night. It was exhausting but necessary because the consequences of her sneaking out of her room at night would have been disastrous--trust me--we had several really close calls. When the boys came the pattern continued and I just stayed close to them (I now had 2 kids with RAD and a toddler). Then a few months after the boys came I had to attend an out of town funeral. I would be gone three nights. C. was 6 months pregnant and the thought of leaving her with a toddler and two raging kids was almost too much. How could I justify leaving her with them? Yet there was no way I could justify NOT going to this funeral. My friend needed me there and she was the only person in my life who could watch Corazon in short stints (while I taught my evening class or emergency school pickups.) There was no way i could leave. I did the best I could to leave things ready for C. to manage the kids and the night antics. I only hoped they would save their rages and payback for me. And save them they did! There was hell to pay and I SWORE I could never do that again. It was so much worse than I had anticipated.

A few short months later we learned that C. would need to have a c-section to deliver Milagro. We had a "plan" for when she went into labor and had coached 3 of our closest friends about how to manage their behaviors and needs. I had pages of notes for each caretaker and each kid's bag had been packed to minimize problem behaviors I am not kidding. Each article of clothing had been chosen because it didn't have pockets (stealing), string(choking, tearing), buttons (swallowing, pulling off, opening to display specific body parts, etc,) matched everything else in the bag (in case of accidents), met sensory needs, etc. etc. We were as set as we could be but now we would be away for three nights. We toyed with me staying home but decided that we both wanted to be at the hospital and share that experience fully in addition to providing whatever support C. might need as she recovered from surgery. With mixed feelings we sent them off with their respective caretakers but managed to see them daily during the time we were in the hospital. Neither of the older kids missed a beat as they waved goodbye and smiled as we said goodbye. Corazon behaved as though she was THRILLED to be away from us except for one time when she let slip that she "missed" us. Tortuga reported he was having the time of his life and urged us to stay away as long as possible. However, both of them were captivated by Milagro. They couldn't get enough of her during that hospital stay. When we returned home there was hell to pay AGAIN. It was an incredible blessing that Milagro pretty much slept through the night since the other kids kept me up all night long. We had rages and meltdowns and all kinds of unsafe behaviors and I once again vowed that would be it. Never again could I do that to them or to myself. And I didn't spend a night away from them again for the next two years.

Fast forward to last Spring when I went away for two nights to a K*therine L*slie workshop. This time I could see the signs of attachment. When I left (I wrote about it here) and when I returned (look here) there was real evidence that they felt something. Corazon still "disassociated" and C. reported that as soon as they pulled away she drifted off to sleep and then buried her head in a book. When I returned she smiled a greeting, said she missed me, then paid me back for days because I left her.

I have just returned from Orlando where I had the most amazing time with almost 70 incredible and courageous women who live this life. Women who get it when we say our kids are different. Women who get it when we share parenting strategies that would get us banned from most "mother's groups" and even our churches, schools, and parts of our extended families. Women who get it when we express our pain that the people closest to us--our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and even best friends-- think we are crazy and are causing our kids' troubles. Women who get it when we say that come hell or high water we are going to travel hundreds of miles to spend a weekend in houses with a bunch of "strangers" we met on the Internet because we NEED them. Women who rushed into the arms of said strangers in airports, driveways, villas, and exclaimed " I have been waiting for years to hug you!" and who cried at the thought of saying good-bye to these people they had only met 72 hours ago. Women who pinched pennies to make this trip possible, donated money on the internet to make it happen for another mama who was here, and put money in another woman's bra at dinner Sunday night so that someone else can have this kind of experience thousands of miles away this May! It was like coming home to a place where people don't need to know you, don't need to remember your name, don't need to hear all the details of your struggles and your pain, yet they can CRY your pain, SHARE your fears, FINISH your thoughts, LAUGH with you about your mistakes, TELL you you are a good mother when you have heard the opposite so many times you have started to believe it and CELEBRATE your victories with you. How often do we find solidarity like that with a bunch of strangers we would never be in the same room with if we didn't share this thing called trauma and the over-powering love we have for our kids who may not even know how to love us back? Amazing.

There was another kind of amazing that happened when I got home that these women can understand and celebrate. C. and the kids picked me up at the airport and we decided to go out to a late lunch/early dinner. They all told me they missed me and were happy to be home. Corazon sat behind me with her head buried in her book and tried to fall asleep. When we got to the restaurant I gave each of them a hug and told them I was happy to see them and sent them to the playground while they waited for their food. C. took this picture of Corazon and me.

She came over to hug me and started crying. When I asked her why she was crying she said she was "so happy to see me" and insisted those were "happy tears." I don't think I have ever seen her cry "happy tears." Ever.

Supplements

2011-02-28T23:56:00.000-06:00

When Tortuga first came home 4 years ago he was on a serious drug cocktail. He had meds for everything--getting up, sleeping, pooping, mood, attention, aggression. Just prior to his leaving the RTC to come home I insisted that his medications be reduced to those deemed essential for his health and well-being and that he be taken off anti-psychotic medications because they were given to him without court approval (required in our state at the time.) He came home taking 7 different meds at 5 different times of the day with an incredible array of side effects. Based on some new school transition issues and delays we somehow managed to "miss" several doses of meds that were required during the school day. By the time that was sorted out we had effectively reduced his meds to 4 and to 3 different times of the day AND he was functioning better in terms of side effects and staying awake at appropriate times. A few of his drugs literally knocked him out mid-sentence or mid-meal or minimally reduced him to a semi-catatonic state. I spent countless hours researching the various meds, side effects, alternatives, and options. As I reviewed his history I also realized that he had been on some of his meds since he was 3 and a half. After a semi-productive meeting with his psychiatrist where we came clean about the meds we had "inadvertently" weaned him off of and his role in not providing the appropriate paperwork to the school on time we agreed to a "trial" period in which we would wean him off of ALL of his meds and re-assess what was going on with Tortuga. Within several months we had a drug free kid who was emotionally bouncing off the walls. He could express almost no emotions beyond being overly happy/excited and sudden anger/rage at the slightest things. (Bipolar was one of 15 possible diagnoses.) He didn't show other emotions and even though they were present he didn't recognize them, his facial expressions didn't match them, and they easily overwhelmed him and reduced him to a raging mess.

It was so difficult to figure out where to begin and we second-guessed our choices regarding medications on a regular basis. However we were also convinced that we needed to figure out what his "real" issues were before we started treating symptoms with drugs. This was NOT because we were particularly anti-meds but because we just felt like his 7 1/2 year old body and brain needed a break and we needed to see what was underneath all of those drugs. We also were informed by the experiences C. had post a significant brain injury in which she constantly underwent med changes that severely affected her mood, behavior, personality and well-being. Where problems had never existed before, she suddenly had diagnoses for all types of psychological issues so we knew much of it had to do with her brain injury (both physical and emotional). I started researching diet and herbal supplements in hopes of giving him the best possible chance to heal his heart and body.

We knew for sure that Tortuga had PTSD--his behavior screamed PTSD. We also were pretty confident that he either had ODD and serious attachment issues and some form of RAD (RAD was his diagnosis.) Taking him off all the meds was hard. Very hard. Yet keeping him on the meds was also hard. We had been pretty successful with Corazon's poop-withholding issues using an herb ("Cascara Sagrada") that my parents had used occasionally when I was growing up (as a tea not a pill). We had tried everything with her and had resorted to suppositories on a semi-regular basis until we started using this herb. It worked well for her. He was on two different meds for this issue although his problem was compounded by the other medication he was taking. W tried the pill form of this herm with him. It worked considerably well although we had a long haul because it worked slowly and steadily making it harder for us to initially tell if it was actually working. We never told him the purpose of this "med" since that probably would have been counter-productive. :D

Both Corazon and Tortuga have had severe sleep issues. Corazon was so hyper-vigilant that she rarely slept. When she first came home at age 4 1/2 she would be awake no matter what time I checked on her. She would doze but insist she didn't sleep. In fact there were times she flew into an absolute rage when she realized she had been asleep! For years we put up with her response to the question "how did you sleep?" being "I WASN'T sleeping!" Even better if we accidently woke her up and said "Sorry, were you sleeping?" she would SCREAM "I WASN'T sleeping!" even as she rubbed her eyes and worked to get reoriented. As she began to attach we saw this behavior disappear although she still slept in spurts. When we discovered the herbal supplement "mel a tonin" we hit the jackpot. She slept. She actually slept! I cannot stress how significant this is on so many levels--ALL of us were better rested, she lost her anxiety about letting herself fall asleep, it "chilled" her out at night in ways that her usual bedtime routines didn't, and overall her "stress" levels seemed lower.

Both she and Tortuga suffered from what we called a "night phobia" and who could blame them given how scary nighttime had been for both of them in previous homes, especially for Tortuga. In addition to their being afraid of nighttime (I won't say the dark because Corazon was a serious night wanderer even in a pitch-dark house) I cannot imagine how stressful it must have been for them to know they would be awake and alone at night given all their traumatic experiences as very small children. As soon as it started to get dark both of them would start what we termed our "warning system." They'd say things like:

"It's going to get dark soon."
"The dark is coming."
"Are we going home soon?"
"We need to get home before it is dark."

Of course they adamantly denied being afraid of the dark and they denied having bad dreams (or any dreams at all for that matter.) For Tortuga his nightmares were more like the night terrors that toddlers experience and he never acknowledged having had a bad dream or even recalling that he was screaming and crying out. Corazon said she didn't dream and stuck to that story for years. The mel*a*tonin changed all that. Corazon began to recall her dreams. We are now at a point with Corazon where she is on a very small dose and we use it only a few times per week when her anxiety and stress levels seem higher. Mel*a*tonin helps slow down cortisol production at night so our bodies can rest. Cortisol levels are higher during the day and that gives us increased energy so we maintain a normal day/night rhythm. With my kids this rhythm was pretty non-existent and their stress levels (high cortisol production times) were through the roof . The mel*a*tonin dramatically improved their rest which positively affected them throughout the day. We have had to adjust Tortuga's dosage numerous times because he had a high dependence of prescription medications for sleeping. Once we weaned him off those and replaced it with mel*a*tonin we were also able to reduce his dependence of ben*a*dryl as a sleep aid. We have also been known to use it on occasion to help him chill out during the day when he has a particularly hard time (often after a poor night's sleep.)

A few weeks ago I decided to wean them both completely off of their supplements with the exception of their fish oil supplements (good on so many levels and for Tortuga dimishes his rages/aggression). I had begun to believe that Corazon might be ready to eliminate the mel*a*tonin and reduce her ni*acin and I have always tried to keep Tortuga down to the least number of vitamins and meds (he has severe allergies). I slowly reduced their supplements over a 10-14 day period and tried to chart any changes I noticed in their awake/sleep patterns. Then I kept them free of the supplements for another 10-14 days. (This partially explains why I didn't have time to write! :) )Finally I reintroduced their supplements at a lower dose to try and determine if these lower doses worked better. For Corazon it has meant that she only occasionally needs the mel*a*tonin but the ni*acin still needs to be a daily deal although we are trying a lower dose. For Tortuga, his state of being was incredibly thrown off by the initial weaning and his sleep patterns and stress responses, moodiness, aggression, etc. were completely out of whack. Once I reintroduced the mel*a*tonin and the ni*acin I found that he still seems to need the doses we have been at for awhile. This suggests that we are where we need to be with him at least for the time being.

Working with supplements is such a challenge because there is so much information out there and depending on who you work with (doctors, psychiatrists, etc.) we get such a mix of information. I know that I believe these supplements work for my kids. I also know that I prefer them taking these to so many of the other drugs that they have taken which have had significantly greater side effects and risks compared to the supplements we are currently taking. Of course we have also balanced these with dietary changes--no milk for Tortuga for example--that help serve their needs and improve their brain's chances for healthier development.

Someone is officially 3 1/2....

2011-02-22T23:58:00.000-06:00

Milagro is such an incredible treasure...and she is mine. Ever feel like you must have done something right to deserve the happiness you have? That's how this little one makes me feel. Every. Single. Day. She will be in another room doing her thing and suddenly call out "MOM!" When I ask what she needs she will say "Nothing mom. I wanted to tell you I love you forever and forever and forever."

These days our goodnight routine these days is as follows: I tuck her in. She says..."You are supposed to say 'I love you." I say "I love you." She says "I love you TOO!" I say "sleep tight." and she responds "Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite." I say "I love you to the moon and back." She says "I love you to the moon and back and more than rice and beans!" I repeat what she says and she adds "AND more than strawberries, blueberries, chocolate, milk, mac & cheese, tacos, and lollipops!" Every. Single. Night. If she comes into my room at night because she had a bad dream she leans in close to me, tears falling down her face, and whispers "mom can you hold me?" As I take her in my arms, I ask why she is whispering and she says she doesn't want to wake C. up! I think that even though she thinks it's fine to wake me up in the middle of the night this still qualifies her as a thoughtful child... :-) I cannot imagine what I did to deserve such amazing love from this little being. Happy 3 and 1/2!

Random thoughts about cravings, compulsions, dependence, addiction

2011-02-21T07:03:00.001-06:00

Our youngest (now 3 1/2) discovered "sweets" when she was about a year and a half. C. has a SERIOUS sweet tooth and Tortuga has an incredibly adverse response to sugar so we have tended to keep sweets around in moderation except when they "sneak" into our lives--Halloween, Valentine's Day, etc. Milagro quickly discovered that she loved candy and would literally "beg" for it if she knew it was in the house. So when she was just shy of age 2 we taught her to say "My name is Milagro and I have a problem. I am addicted to sugar. I love it. I want it. I crave it. I need it. Please give me sugar...sugar...sugar!" It has become a sort of "game" around here and she still engages in saying this whenever she wants us to indulge her. I think her body and mind really do "crave" sugar and if it is around she cannot stop thinking about it.

C. claims to be the same about chocolate and other sweets and describes the cravings as intense and overwhelming at times. Does this make them compulsions? As I understand it a compulsion is a powerful and irresistible impulse to act in a certain way no matter how (ir)rational it is. People act compulsively usually to reduce anxiety and/or worry. Sometimes I think Milagro's cravings for sugar are compulsions because they turn an incredibly pleasant, easy-going, and rational child into a tantruming "monster" and she will cry that she "needs" a piece of candy. Then there is dependence which I think of as a "compulsive" state of being in chronic need and/or reliance upon something in order to meet an overwhelming and perceived need. In essence that something is required in order for the person to "function" at whatever level they are used to functioning.

I have often viewed Corazon's need for having chaos around her (internal/emotional and external) as a dependence. She counts on it in order to function. I see Tortuga's need to be miserable in the same way. We often tell Tortuga that he is most comfortable when he is miserable (comfortable does not equal happy). Lately, I have been wondering if Corazon's constant need to be in "chaos" (physical, emotional, etc.) functions more like an addiction. It's not just about clutter and mess it's about chaos. I think her emotional state is so frequently in chaos that when it isn't for awhile it totally freaks her out and she spirals downward. In many ways she "hates" the chaos but she also "needs" the chaos because it is familiar. She knows how it feels, smells, looks, and plays out. When she isn't in chaos the world is a much more confusing place and it is very hard for her to find her place in it. She depends on it and she is driven to create it in order to restore "balance" even if it means she is in a state of chaos. Clearly it doesn't make sense for a happy existence as I see it but I think for her it as necessary as other addictions are for others. I think this state of chaos helps to distract her from some of the more painful emotional problems she experiences and in a weird way it provides a way for her to "organize" her everyday experiences. In many ways, I think this helps meet the criteria for "addiction." Usually an "addiction" includes behavior that is motivated by cravings and/or compulsions, continued participation in the behavior despite negative consequences, and a loss of control over one's behaviors. In some ways I see her (and Tortuga) as addicted to these behaviors that maintain chaos and misery in their daily lives.

How does this help me help them? When I have tried to help them overcome these issues I tend to treat them as "bad" habits motivated by cravings much like Milagro's sugar cravings. I indulge them occasionally and I "preach" the virtues of not having these things. I also encourage them to resist the cravings and to replace them with more "positive" behaviors. Yet, if they are more like addictions, how would my strategies and support be different? One of the main reasons addictions are hard to break is that there is such as strong and powerful combination of positive and negative consequences. My children's "addictions" are no different. Their behaviors cause them great anxiety, anguish, pain, and frustration to say the least. Yet they are familiar, predictable, and in some ways provide protection and security from their other incredibly painful emotional problems. If I view their issues as "addictions" how will that change what I do to try and help them? I am not sure yet, but I am mulling this over.

Feelings

2011-01-26T08:06:00.000-06:00

We had a huge blow out with Tortuga about a week ago over nothing. That is usually the case. He gets set off over seemingly nothing. This time it was because he hadn't completed a task before dinner and he thought I was preparing dinner so he got mad that he had to complete it before dinner. The task would have taken about 10 minutes MAXIMUM. Instead, he spent 4 hours getting worked up, shouting he hated me, was going to "kill and destroy" me, write on the light switch plate and wall (in very small writing) that he hated me. Then he ~~announced~~ screamed that he didn't want to live here, we treated him like "trash," we treated Corazon like a "jewel," and we should just call the police to take him away to a better home. We tried to ignore him which made matters worse. We tried to talk him into using his calming strategies. C. finally went upstairs and confronted him which escalated things and he got physically aggressive with her. With a little assistance he finally attempted one of his strategies to calm down but it didn't work for long. Then he started ALL over again.

At his last ~~request~~ demand to leave this house and for us to get someone to get him out of here, I finally got into the discussion and agreed and then I picked up the phone to make the call for him and he fell apart. He started begging me not to call, cried, apologized and said he changed his mind. We were at the point where we weren't sure we had changed our mind. The younger kids were totally freaked out, Corazon did her best to entertain them and finally Milagro fell asleep in the midst of this so she was spared the last of his blowup. Once we sorted through the debris we fed him dinner and put him to bed with the understanding that he would need to "make it up" to all of us. He didn't want to talk about it at that time and we needed time to figure out appropriate restitution. It is ALWAYS our experience that if he doesn't do appropriate restitution he will spiral downward for days on end. It is also our experience that if he doesn't think the restitution is appropriate (i.e. "harsh" enough in his eyes) then the spiraling continues. Corazon has usually been the same way. She would always think up a harsher consequence for her misbehavior than we would. She still does it sometimes but it seems to happen only when she does something really awful whereas before it was pretty much on the same level whether she tried to hurt a pet or stole a cookie.

About an hour after Tortuga had gone to bed I heard noises from his room through the monitor. He was crying. Actually he was wailing, moaning, drooling, and crying. I went into his room and asked what was happening and he said he was afraid. He was afraid of leaving our home. He was afraid of going someplace else. He was afraid he had done something really awful that he could not fix. He was afraid to lose us. He was afraid that we "believed" he might hurt us when he "knew" he would "never really do it." I talked him through some of this and had him answer each of his fears with what we have told him--we won't send him away but he may choose to leave us, he had made a huge mistake but mistakes are fixable when we take responsibility and do restitution, he isn't going to lose us, and the biggie, because we don't believe he will actually hurt us intentionally but accidentally or in a rage is another story which is why we have worked so hard to diminish his rage. He calmed down after about 25 minutes and as I said goodnight he said "Goodnight mom. I really love you a lot." I told him I loved him and as an afterthought he added "Thanks mom." I asked him what for and he said "talking to me. It really did make make feel better. I didn't think it would but you were right, it did." I was ~~dumbstruck~~ surprised and I am sure my mouth was hanging open as I walked out his door and set his alarm.

The next morning he was in a great mood even when I told him his restitution would include his not participating in "family time" for the next three nights. (Of course he also dreamed that I was going to die and he was the only one who knew this. But he claimed he was very sad about it.) During family time he would have the choice to lie down or sit under his weighted blanket in his room. His task was to work on not getting angry (although acknowledging other feelings-sad, disappointed, jealous, frustration, etc. would be appropriate) as he heard us play board games and Wii, read stories, make cookies and most significantly miss out on the celebration of Pollito's anniversary. While this may seem harsh we talked about it and decided it was the best decision. In the past we have usually postponed important celebrations or outing until everyone could participate. I have lost count of how many events we have postponed and I had decided that we would not do this again for anyone. He seemed disappointed and upset but held it together as I told him what his consequences were. I should also say that I think he is entering the "Social Needs" level of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs/Hierarchy of Motivation. (That is it's own post but I have referenced this before when talking about how we went back to convincing him we were meeting his Physiological Needs.) He would be giving us back the time he took up with his "tantrum" over the course of these three days and he would be working on managing (and identifying) his feelings. This is work we started to do more intensely over the past couple of months.

He has started to recognize his feelings of disappointment, sadness, frustration, and anger as distinguishable from one another on a more regular basis. His response to them however is usually the same anger response we have gotten in the past. I have been working with him to understand how those feelings are different and when they are appropriate so we all try to label our feelings. In other words, "I was so sad when P. left yesterday and I wanted to cry." Or we might say "Corazon is very disappointed because she didn't get to play on the computer. She is acting mad at me because I won't let her use it but she knows the only person she should be mad at herself for losing that privilege. When Corazon is disappointed she pouts and acts mad but she no longer tantrums like she used to." Right now his facial expressions rarely match his feelings and actions so we have been probing those as well.

When our friend was here he wanted to play the guitar for her to show her what he has learned. When I finally told him he could do it (after asking a dozen times at the wrong time) he frowned, smiled and then started laughing and frowned again. That was a good opportunity for him to practice identifying his feelings ~~and for me to tick him off.~~ He was able to tell me that he smiled because he was happy, laughed because he was nervous and frowned because he was afraid to make mistakes because he hadn't been practicing as much as he wanted to be sure he was ready to show off his skills. I noted that the frown came first and he denied it at first. He also almost lost his temper as we tried to work through this exchange but he didn't and that is huge progress. This past week we introduced a new exercise. He (and Corazon) are keeping a feeling journal. I create them on a regular basis (I want to say daily but I am not that together) and they take the form of mad libs (but they aren't really funny). I script out the journal entry with fill in the blanks for feelings, thoughts, reasons, examples, etc. They fill them in and then rewrite the whole thing into their own journals. So far they each have about 6 or 7 and while they did them under duress while whining and complaining just yesterday Tortuga said to me as he CHEERFULLY got his assignment "you know mom, I think I actually like doing this!" Fancy that.

Big Day...

2011-01-19T22:56:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was a big day for all the kids.

Pollito lost his second tooth. I mean literally LOST it. It's been wiggly for awhile and sometime between toothbrushing and breakfast we noticed it was missing. His sister, Corazon, helped him write a letter to the Magic Mouse (we don't have a tooth fairy...) explaining the issue.

Pollito also rode his 2 wheel bike for the first time today WITHOUT TRAINING WHEELS!!!! He has been TERRIFIED about this for so long and today he was ready. He rode and rode to cheers from everyone in the family plus two of our elderly neighbors who he adores. He was in heaven!

Milagro has a two-wheeler with training wheels. Inspired by her brother she asked for her training wheels to be removed then quickly changed her mind. C. compromised and put them back "off balance" and it took her only a few minutes to figure out how to balance. After 40 minutes she was rarely relying on them. It won't be long before she asks that they be removed. She also is determined to stop wearing pull ups at night. She asked last week if she could start wearing undies to bed and I told her she had to have 5 dry nights in a row. Then she got sick with a fever and that slowed her down. Well yesterday was her third dry night...she even woke me to take her to the potty. That child has an incredible will. We may just get out I
Of those pull ups by next weekend...

Corazon has had three incredible days of staying regulated with very few redirections. I credit part of this to our return to rubbing and tapping AND to starting shaking (see lisa's blog here for the particulars...) She has also been helping our neighbor who is in her mid-70s by going walking with her each day to help lift her spirits and keep her healthy. It's inspiring Corazon to workout more and she even asked about returning to gymnastics. that is huge for her because she never asks for something she has lost (out of sight...thinking). We would have to sacrifice a lot to get her back to that but we know it is good for her and she misses it terribly.

Tortuga needs his own post but he spent the last three days doing some really tough emotional work. He hit a new low last weekend and physically assaulted C. She was ready to call the police and told him so. It scared him (in a good way I think.) One of his consequences involved being away from family activities over the next three evenings because he held us hostage for three to four hours and terrified the younger children. During that time he could choose to do nothing or write about his thoughts and feelings. He chose to write each time and did a good job. He also did not let himself get angry which is HUGE for him.He finished his "missing out" last night and had a really good evening.

He has also started to have bad dreams (that he recalls in the mornings) in which I die. Not sure what to make of that since he threatens to kill me often but I actually think it is a good sign. He seems to view them as "bad" and "sad" dreams and claims they scare him. We are having him keep track of these in his journal.

Has it really been 4 years?

2011-01-16T23:28:00.010-06:00

I cannot believe that it's been 4 years already since Pollito came home! He had the biggest head on the tiniest body of any child I had ever seen! We still joke about that today although thankfully his body has grown to match his beautiful head! He was tiny and had a head full of curly hair, constantly runny nose, boundless energy and some serious asthma. At 6 1/2 years old he is still small for his age(size 5T is a stretch) and has boundless energy but the asthma and constantly runny nose are things of the past. He had almost no words/sounds except for "mine," "baba" (bottle), "nana" (banana), "ma" (any female) and "wawa" for water. Other than that he could tag on "dat's" (that's) to each of those words to articulate his needs. These days we cannot get him to be quiet! He still struggles with vocabulary, pronunciation and enunciation (in fact we seem to be in a regression) but he is our most silly, chatty, funny, and clever child.

So many things about him have not changed over the past few years. He still loves many of the things he loved when he first came balloons, bubble baths and bananas along with trains, planes, cars, dinosaurs, purses and accessories. That has not changed since Day 1. He is still a ham who loves to lip sync to every kind of music and who dances even when he is trying not to. His current favorite activity is dance and he is taking a ballet/tap/jazz class and a hip hop class. We see some serious hip action from that kid no matter what he is doing! I think he still loves his tricycle and "bubble" car and will choose them over his "big boy" bike any day. He is still madly in love with his former Pre-K teacher Mrs. W. It's been two years and this love doesn't seem to diminish one bit. As we prepped for our Christmas cookies and fudge Christmas deliveries he was quick to point out that we couldn't forget her. We have even managed to get her teenage daughter as our babysitter which gives him a chance to send love notes, pictures and messages to her. I won't get worried about this for a few more years I think!

He still seems much younger than his chronological age but I can also see he is growing and testing and maturing. Last year he started many of those "annoying" behaviors that show just how comfortable he is. He has learned to push his brother's and sister's buttons quite well so he most definitely has earned the "annoying little brother" label!

One of his passions is still cooking. For years he has loved to play "pretend" restaurant, mommy, cook, and chef. We got the two little ones a play kitchen two years ago and I can honestly say it was a great investment. This child plays with it pretty much EVERY SINGLE DAY for hours on end. We have had to replenish the food and the dishes and added pots, pans, and aprons. In the real kitchen he is equally at home. If I let him he would attempt to do all the cooking and cleaning. Each of the kids gets to pick their meal on their birthdays. He chooses the meal he wants to COOK and insists on doing every phase of it. It is wonderful to see just how passionate he can be especially since when he first came there was such little affect about him.

His nightmares and night terrors have FINALLY (dare I dare say it) ended. It has been about 6 months since he let go of the NIGHTLY night terrors and nightmares that plagued him since he first came. He is firmly attached to us but still has some attachment and PTSD issues. He wants to hear his story often and doesn't yet understand that he wasn't born to me. He knows the truth and has seen his mother several times but insists that there was another time and another life when he was born to me that he remembers. I think this is part of his attaching process. If he had his druthers I think he would choose to be a baby again so we still give him plenty of baby time.

School and learning to read are a still a big challenge for him. He is much happier now that he is homeschooling although I think he missed playing with all the different children in his class since he was the favorite kid in the class with both the boys and the girls! He loves books and having stories read to him but he has absolutely no interest in learning to read. I think part of this is that he is intimidated by this and he just isn't ready. In general he tends to lapse about a year or so "behind" what is typical for kids his age but he has continued to make steady progress so we try not to pressure him.

I love to watch him play outside in the sandbox or with his truck. He is so engaged and thoughtful and fully present without any of the anxious behaviors that accompany some of his group play or when he is surrounded by lots of other kids. I also love seeing how MilagroPollito looks up to Milagro too and in many ways they are peers despite the 3 year difference in ages. They currently share a room and it makes both of them incredibly happy. They will spend the mornings after they wake up making plans for they day. They plan what stuffed animals will come downstairs, what "play" they will perform and what movie they will try to convince me to let them watch. They are both so serious in their planning that it can keep them busy for up to an hour each morning. Pollito still hates going to bed and we still have a bit of crying about that on most nights but I think this is getting easier is is probably linked to the years and years of nightmares.

There are so many times when I marvel at how wonderfully Pollito is growing up. He is healthy (no asthma) and happy so much more of the time. We have so much fun playing games together especially when we have "down" time and we copy each other's faces until one of us laughs (usually me!) He still melts my heart when he has to jump out of his chair at the dinner table to give me a hug or he just nuzzles next to me and asks if we can "hang out." Happy anniversary to my sweet boy. You have changed my life!

Where has December gone? An (almost) photo-essay.

2010-12-30T23:55:00.164-06:00

It's probably a good thing that I haven't written since the beginning of the month since it usually means we are well and just busy leading our lives. This month has flown by! We have had many ups and some downs but I want to focus on the good stuff. Some of the things that have kept us busy...

Dance classes...

Making Christmas presents...

Arts and crafts...

Putting up outside decorations....

Visit with Santa...

Christmas Texas-style....

Santa's "Ranch"

Choosing a Christmas tree... we had a little difference of opinion...

Decorating the car...

Decorating the tree...

How many kids does it take to put the tree in place?

Reading lots of Christmas stories...

Getting the "perfect" Christmas picture for our holiday cards... (just went out today!!!!)

They looked like peeing reindeer in some of our best shots. Given the relevance of pee to our special needs kids we toyed with writing something like "Hap-pee Holidays" on our cards but thought our family and friends just wouldn't understand...

Cleaning the house for grandma's visit...

Made Christmas fudge...

Celebrating adoption anniversaries....and getting some family jewelry...

Each of us now sports one of these.

Leaving treats for Santa...

Cookies, Fudge, Chips, Guacamole, Milk and Beer...

Christmas morning.

We do lots of shared gifts and family gifts.

The big hit was baby blankets from their grandma in PA. She made one for the youngest when she was born and that has been a big favorite. We mentioned to her during our summer vacation that our three oldest kids didn't have something like that and she took the idea and ran with it. They are among their most treasured items and all three insist on sleeping with them every night!

Comment of the day from one of our geekier children... "If we had one more kid with a name that started with a "P" then we could spell "PARTY" but instead we are a "TRAY."

Then right after Christmas someone had a birthday...

We plan on quietly ringing in the new year...

Don't let me forget...

2010-12-07T10:23:00.000-06:00

This stage of Corazon's healing is awesome and inspiring but also painful and frustrating and aggravating. I want to shout "HEAL ALREADY!!!!" as though somehow she can just snap out of it. Of course that is far from the truth and while my head knows that my heart has more trouble accepting it. She is full of anxiety and fear just as any of us might be standing at the edge of a cliff ready to leap head-first into an unknown abyss. It matters not that it is the only place she has left to go. A part of her isn't sure she can survive and the unknown is immobilizing. So what we get is a recurrence of so many of the old behaviors. She is sneaking food, even taking it from the trash, just because it is there. She even admitted to grossing herself out this last time she took food from the trash. She is sneaking and lying a little more. She has forgotten how to do things like wash her face, load the dishwasher, hang up clothes. She is following me around EVERYWHERE to the point where I have stepped on her when I made a sudden turn. She has the most ridiculous questions she needs to ask me the moment I am speaking to another child, the neighbor, C. or on the phone. She interrupts constantly for no reason at all. She runs to me from the other side of the house to tell me my phone is ringing ...when it is right next to me. All of these are manifestations of her anxiety and fear. I am choosing to see them as signs of healing BUT they. are. driving. me. nuts.

I haven't quite figured out how to support her through this and I have to work really hard to check my attitude with feeling stalked by her. One good thing about this breakthrough is that we can talk about it a bit more than before. I can name the behavior and even ask her to label a brick with it. It gives us something "concrete" to do about all this. I also found some Reiki music entitled "Chakra Chants" and put it on her mp3 player. She loves it and listens to the first track often. It seems to ground her quite a bit and along with tapping I am seeing her be able to regroup a bit more readily than at other times. I can only imagine the inner struggle that she is experiencing on a subconscious and semi-conscious level but it is so darn frustrating to not be able to help her.

Healing reminders

2010-12-05T22:29:00.000-06:00

It is incredible that Corazon was able to write that entry into her journal. Our conversation was raw, real and painful. I can see she is on the edge of a major breakthrough and she is scared. Scared to take the next step but also scared NOT to. Her articulation of this wall was amazing partly because it isn't language I have used with her. She has a visual now for her RAD and how she can change it. She WANTS to change it even though she is afraid.

I know she is attached to us, especially me, but healing takes a long time and constant work, effort, and vigilance. When I get complacent and forget that she is still healing, I set us both up. That conversation was intense. She was so articulate about her understanding of her experiences, her narrative, so to speak. There were gaps and pieces missing. For example, she has such ambivalence towards her mother because her aunt was the attachment figure and who she felt most abandoned by. She doesn't really have "conscious" feelings to tap into about her mother although I know they are and will be there as she grows. The raw pain comes from her sense of abandonment by her aunt. I believe she will feel some sense of abandonment from her mother as well as she grows and understands more about these feelings.

One thing that helped in our conversation was our ability to use her younger sister, Milagro, as an example. At one point I asked her to imaging Milagro being taken from us and told she had a new family of wonderful people to care for her. I asked her to imagine what Milagro might feel, think, and do. Corazon was quick to point out that Milagro would NEVER forget us and NEVER accept her new family and NEVER believe we wouldn't come get her. I asked her to imagine the pain, confusion, and anger that our not coming to get Milagro would create.I asked her how willing she would be to accept and believe her new family with those feelings. Corazon argued that "Milagro is REALLY smart. She would find a way to get herself sent back to us and she would wait as long as it took. She would NEVER let them be her family because we are her family." As she processed how this connected to her own feelings and experiences, Corazon "got it." She got the reasons why she had closed herself off and protected herself from the hurt. Corazon broke down and cried and cried and cried. As she cried for Milagro she cried for herself. It was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.

We have started labelling the "bricks" of her wall so that she visualize and make tangible that which she is ready to break down and give up and that which she isn't. She is working on a drawing of a brick wall with all the labels. We have things like "lying," "sneaking," "not trusting mom" and "doing things wrong on purpose" on her wall. She keeps adding things big and small to it and it seems to be empowering her. It also gives her a goal so when I tell her we are "practicing" something she understands a little bit of how it connects to her wall.

I don't know if this will work or not but right now it seems to be where we need to go. I am so proud of her and how hard she is working on this. I am also proud of her because she seems to understand that this is a "we" issue now. I can say "we" are working on such and such and she smiles. For so long the work has been labelled as "you" need to work on (even though of course we were all working on it in different ways and sometimes different "camps.")

Healing hurts

2010-11-24T21:40:00.000-06:00

On the day that Corazon moved into our family her social worker picked her up at her daycare center and then they went to her foster home to pick up her belongings. Corazon had cut off three braids from the front of her head and had tried to tape them back on with scotch tape. Corazon seemed thrilled to be moving in and was quite happy and excited but I made a mental note of this because in our culture cutting one's hair is a sign of mourning. She was 4 1/2 years old.

Last week, Corazon cut the hair all around the front of her face leaving lots of spiked hairs and a few "bald" spots to frame her face. When I asked her why she cut her hair she didn't have an answer. I was really upset with her because we were scheduled to take our first family portrait a few days later and there was no way any of us would be happy with immortalizing that moment. I told Corazon I was angry and disappointed and I wanted her to think about what she had done because I couldn't talk to her about it for awhile. I was so mad I didn't want to deal with it or her for awhile.

The next morning we were having breakfast, just the two of us, and the conversation led up to talking about one of her friends, T. and my niece, B. who are both her age and are often catty and mean to Corazon. She was trying to understand why they ask to play with her and are nice one day but then are just plain obnoxious the next day. Corazon said she thought part of the reason was because sometimes they didn't like themselves all the time and used their meanness to protect themselves. Her explanation was that "their meanness protects them and wraps around them like their parents' love." I was impressed with her insights and asked her if she had something that protected her like that. She quickly said "Sure! I built this wall around me a long time ago to keep myself from getting hurt."

The conversation that followed had us both in tears but before I write about my thoughts I want to invite you to read her blog entry for today.

Insights from a 3 year old...

2010-11-10T20:52:00.001-06:00

I love learning how Milagro's mind works. Sometimes it gives me insights into her personality. Other times it reminds me how children think and process. Once in a while she demonstrates such incredible wisdom that I am convinced she can't be only 3. Then there are times when she works attachment miracles better than any therapeutic parenting strategy I could use. Lately she has done all of these things and more.

When C. went on a business trip this week, Milagro announced that she was going to sleep with me so I wouldn't "miss Mama." That day she was especially clingy and lovey. In the middle of playing outside with Pollito she would come in and say "mom can you hold me?" then off to play she went. More than usual, she told me she loved me and that she was my "baby." She is so good about asking for what she needs. Sometimes at night when she has a bad dream she comes in from her room and asks to be held and then falls asleep at my feet. Since she had announced she was sleeping with me she also said she wasn't sleeping at the foot of the bed because I needed her to be next to me.

We have a neighborhood friend who has an 11 year old and a now 3 year old. The little boy comes over to play with Milagro and Pollito several times a week. Milagro is convinced that he is still a "baby" even though he is less than 3 months younger than she is. She negotiates playing with him by locating all of her concerns and his issues with his being a baby. If she doesn't want to share something with him she will bring it to me to keep for her and say "I don't want him to break this. He's just a baby." Other times she will tell me he poked her, snatched something from her, or broke her toy but "it's OK because he's a baby." It helps her to navigate the challenges of a playmate she doesn't quite feel she wants to stand up to because he is younger. And certainly he seems younger at times. She would never NOT stand up to her siblings and in fact holds her own just fine. Yet she understands the rules are just a little bit different when she is playing with someone who is our guest.

The other day I was teasing her about something and I joked that she could take the car keys and drive herself to the park. She said "MOM! I can't drive. I would drive crazy!" Then she added "but I wouldn't drive to the park. I would drive to P's house." P. is our dear friend from Boston and "auntie" to the kids. So I asked her what she would do when she got there. She responded "give her a BIG hug!"

This past weekend, Milagro came downstairs and was especially clingy. She announced that she wanted to be a baby again. She has done this numerous times over the past year as she negotiates growing up and wanting to be a "big kid" and still be a "baby." I expected some of the same and was shocked when she said "So Corazon will be nice to me again." She went on to tell me that she thinks Corazon is only nice to her when she is a baby and very explicitly gave me examples of Corazon using mean words, mean tone of voice, and just plain annoyance with her. In her mind she knew that if she was a baby Corazon would not treat her meanly or be annoyed by her. She also said that Corazon "hated" her and didn't love her anymore. It was true that lately Corazon had been shorter with Milagro and even mean, especially in her tone of voice. Milagro had surmised that it was only when she (Milagro) needed help (getting a cup of water, a snack from the top shelf of the pantry, someone to turn the light on in the bathroom) that Corazon was nice. Milagro saw those things as being "like a baby." It made me sad that Milagro was aware of it and I decided to share it with Corazon.

Later that day, I mentioned my conversation with Milagro to Corazon. I wasn't upset or angry with her. I spoke in a matter of fact tone and reminded her that she had a window of opportunity in which she could control what kind of relationship Milagro had with her. Milagro ADORES Corazon and will do anything for her. Corazon recognizes this. As I recounted the conversation with Milagro I could see Corazon's eyes well up with tears. I asked why she was crying and she said she didn't understand how Milagro could be so "perceptive" but more importantly she was sad because she really loves Milagro and it hurt her to know that Milagro thought she hated her. She wanted to know what she could do to explain to Milagro that she loved her and didn't hate her. We then talked about words and actions. Since then I have witnessed Corazon work extra hard in her interactions with Milagro. She has even been explicit about telling her she likes her and loves her. I asked Corazon about this and she said that she thought once Milagro believed "for real" that she didn't like her then "she won't trust me." Big lesson learned.

I know she did something wrong but...

2010-11-09T23:57:00.001-06:00

Corazon has had a bad spell over the past week or so. Nothing terribly major but just one thing after another. Today was particularly bad. She was unfocused in everything she did or tried to do. It took her 4 hours to complete a fractions worksheet. She loves to do fractions and math problems but today she found every excuse in the book for not staying on it. When I suggested she do something else, she flipped out. I sent her outside to jump on her pogo stick which usually helps her focus. It worked for a short while but then she was back. She interrupted every conversation I was in with any other child. She corrected me several times even when she was way across the house from me. When we had a package delivered she ran to the door to greet the FedEx person and just chattered away. All of these are old behaviors but I have learned that they mean something important. She isn't feeling safe and she is anxious. I think part of it is that C. is away until Wednesday night. However, I also know that it means she did something wrong and I haven't "caught" her.

I had "forgotten" to set her door alarm for about a week. I was testing her and seeing if she was ready. I intermittently leave it off for a night or two but I hadn't done it for this long. The result was that she thanked me for leaving it off and then proceeded to go in and out of her room several times over the course of the night. She didn't do anything "wrong" from what I could tell so I figured she was trying out her new found "independence." On Friday, she reminded me to set it because she thought that would "help" her. She wouldn't elaborate but I complied. Then I realized that all last week she was stealing leftover Halloween candy and marshmallows from the pantry. Not overnight but I think that was her "panic" response to the alarm not being set. I noticed she had taken a couple of things and ignored it. Bad Mom Move! She was so upset I didn't stop her that she got bolder with the stealing. On Sunday she stuffed a marshmallows in her mouth and then came over to me just to make sure she got caught. We safeguarded that temptation and she seemed back to normal until today. Until I figure it out we are going to have a tough run...

Of course, Tortuga can't be left behind so we are having a resurgence of RAD and ODD behaviors. Now that I think of it we had a great weekend so perhaps this is also payback after the fun stuff.

Pollito and Homeschooling

2010-11-02T23:34:00.001-05:00

Pollito is 6 years old but most of the time he seems more like a 4-5 year old. This is also true where school is concerned which is part of the reason we decided to homeschool. He just isn't interested in learning to read and the pressure near the end of Kindergarten was making him a very anxious child. We try to spend as much time as possible reading to him and he enthusiastically tackles writing (or copying) but the thought of reading just makes him cringe. He seems to put up HUGE mental blocks although it is possible that he may have some learning issues as well. Our plan is to take things easy and let him set the pace this year and if we decide to return him to "regular" school next year so he can get additional services we will have him enroll in first grade rather than second grade.

A month ago I decided to enroll him in music lessons because he loves music. He dances and dances every chance he gets so we had already put him in a ballet/tap/jazz class and a hip-hop class but we decided to add an instrument. He wanted guitar but he is a bit young for that so he chose piano. After 4 lessons we are seeing an interesting development. He is enjoying it and wants to practice all the time but what is equally interesting is that his number and letter recognition and recall has improved DRAMATICALLY. This is a kid who confuses numbers and hasn't been able to consistently count past 12. He also misses many of the letters although he has most of their "sounds" down. In working with him I saw a little improvement after just 1 music lesson but I can definitely tell there is something clicking for him AND his enthusiasm for reading seems to be growing. Just last week he picked up a book of Corazon's and started to look for the 4 words he can actually read---it, in, is and if. Today he asked me to teach him to read 4 new words. While I am not quite ready to credit all this progress to him music lessons, I do believe they have someone cleared his brain in ways that seems to improve his focus and his enthusiasm. Either that or it is a nice coincidence but either way, I think we will keep those lessons going for awhile. :-)

Halloween Fun

2010-11-01T23:01:00.063-05:00

It's been a busy few days filled with lots of fun times. Halloween isn't my favorite holiday but I am in the minority in this household. It it probably C.'s favorite and all the kids have taken after her on that one. :-) There's something not quite right about getting rid of 3 lbs of candy only to get back three times as much. Although this year we added a twist. We had the kids ask an adult they cared about to tell them what their favorite candy was and part of the "fun" of trick-or-treating was seeing how much of that particular candy they could get. They collected 22 "Butterfinger" candy bars so those are on their way to an out of town friend! I think they were almost more excited about getting that package together than eating their candy.

We still have enough candy to last for months but my general rule is that they can eat as much as they like after dinner for a couple of days after Halloween then the candy is sent away. They don't really consume too much candy even when they have the chance which is good because sugar really seems to do a number on Tortuga and Pollito.

As part of their schoolwork this month, Corazon and Tortuga wrote a Halloween play. They titled it "The Werewolf's Problem" and performed it on Halloween night for a few neighbors and friends. Tortuga played the werewolf and Corazon played the narrator, a ghost, a cat (with Milagro as a kitten), a pirate (with Pollito as a pirate chum), and a witch! They all did a fabulous job. I was so proud of them! Sometimes it is impressive to see Tortuga in a whole new role but it also can be puzzling. That boy can't remember how to sort his socks or make his bed correctly but he can memorize over 80 lines without making more than minor slips! I am so glad they have found a way to enjoy Halloween here in Texas. It still doesn't compare to the Fall weather, leaves on the ground, old Victorian homes decorated for maximum haunting pleasure and our Boston neighborhood where thanks to C. we had gotten a reputation for one of the best decorated homes in the area! C. continues to add to her Halloween collection each year as she figures out how to make our yard look as impressive as our old porch did! Of course, the kids are all for it and they spend hours plotting and planning how to make it spooky without being gruesome.

The best part of Halloween is that there were absolutely NO meltdowns, tantrums, rages, etc. None. at. all.

(Of course, I think I just jinxed myself....)

Tugs at the heart...

2010-10-28T23:36:00.000-05:00

Last night Milagro was really over-tired but she couldn't settle down. C. and I were trying to iron out a few details before she left this morning for a two day trip and Milagro just wouldn't let us talk. She was interrupting, asking for things and jumping on and off the couch. I had a glass of water leaning next to my leg and had told her she would get a time out the next time she jumped onto the couch. Of course, she didn't listen and she jumped up and knocked over my ice cold glass of water. My pants were absolutely soaked and I got really mad at her. I walked away and cleaned everything up and headed upstairs. She followed after me asking me to talk to her but I was too mad so I calmly(~~through gritted teeth~~) said to her "not now because I am very upset with you. Stay downstairs with Mama." A few minutes later she and C. came upstairs and Milagro continued to try to get my attention. I got into bed with my book and ignored her despite her antics. All of a sudden she started crying so C. held her and told her I was still too upset to speak with her so she was going to have to be patient. She started wailing "please Mama please! Is Mom not going to be my best friend again?" Then to me she said with tear-filled eyes "Sorry mom. Please talk to me. I need my best friend!" How could I stay mad after that?

Then this morning Pollito got up and gave me his usual good morning greeting "Buenos Dias. Did you sleep good mom?" I replied that I was still tired and responded in my usual fashion "Buenos Dias mijo, did you have any dreams?" He said he had a happy dream (he usually has several nightmares each night or doesn't remember his dreams) so I asked him to tell me about it. He said "There was you and me and we were walking in the flowers." "What else?" I asked. He was quiet for a bit and then responded "And... and... I just loved you sooooo much and I could feel it mom!" I asked how it felt and he said "Like LOVE mom!!!!" What more could I ask for?

Later today Tortuga and Pollito's mother called. I missed the call but made a point to try to return it as soon as I had a chance. She wasn't able to talk then so we made plans to speak tomorrow. She sent greetings to the boys so I shared them with Tortuga. He asked why she hadn't been able to talk and I said I wasn't sure but she said it was her medication and maybe it was making her tired. He got a disturbed look on his face and said he didn't want me to talk about it and that he didn't want to speak with her tomorrow. I was puzzled so I inquired about what exactly he didn't want me to discuss. He responded that he was "guilty" and "embarrassed" when he thought about her. I asked him to elaborate and his elaboration didn't quite match his earlier word choices. We consulted a dictionary and after going through a couple of different word options (he has lots of language based challenges so often struggles to find the right words for what he means) he suddenly exclaimed "This is it mom! I am ashamed!" I was a bit stunned. He went on to explain that he was ashamed and embarrassed by his mother because of all the things she couldn't do and how she treated him and his brothers. My heart just about broke. I didn't want to negate his feelings but I was concerned about this sense of shame. I asked him to consider why he might ashamed of her but also how understanding her cognitive and emotional difficulties could change his feelings about this. He was puzzled for a moment and then asked me if I was ashamed of his mother. I couldn't quite understand what he meant but I said no I was not ashamed by yer and that while she made many mistakes and did things to hurt them (he has lots of memories about this) I didn't think it was all her fault. I said that I also believe that she has always done the best she could and if we cannot respect people for their best efforts then what can we respect them for. He got very quiet for a minute and then said "I never thought about that mom. I always thought she didn't try her best but now I think maybe she did try hard and it didn't work." I waited and he didn't say anything else about it and changed topics. As we were saying goodnight he said "Mom, I thought about what you said and I don't think I should be ashamed of her. If she calls tomorrow maybe I will want to talk to her. Will you ask me if she calls?" I replied that I certainly would.

Goodbye Lynn

2010-10-24T22:10:00.000-05:00

Given the pace of our lives as moms of children with RAD and many other special needs, it's not unusual for one or more of us to "take a break" or get caught up in the busy-ness of our daily lives. So I don't tend to worry too much if I haven't seen a recent post from someone on my blogroll. I like to think that they are ok, just busy and we will hear from them when they are ready.

There is a blog listed near the bottom of my "blogroll" that hasn't been updated in a month or so. I only recently started reading her blog so I don't have much of a sense of the ups and downs of her days. This weekend I found out that we won't be hearing from Lynn (we-are-faking-normal) because she and one of her beloved daughters were killed in a tragic accident last week. I didn't know Lynn well at all but I will miss her. I do know that she loved her girls fiercely and lived to be the best mom she could be to her two girls with a slew of special needs including RAD and FASD. I will miss knowing that she is out there--fighting to do what was right for her girls and loving them with every ounce of her being.

Mariah, her 8 year old died in the accident and Mellodie, her 10 year old, is on a respirator in a medically induced coma, and unaware of how her life is forever changed. I cannot begin to imagine how she will get through this when she recovers. I am praying for her and her family members as they get through the next days, weeks, months... I am grateful that someone noticed that I was on her blog list and sent me the news even though a small part of me wishes I could have been left with the thought that she was just busy living her life with her beautiful girls. Goodbye Lynn. You did make a positive difference in their lives.

_____________________________________________

If you were a reader of Lynn's blog here are the links to the new stories about the accident and fund for Mellodie.
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/25456672/detail.html
http://www.2thedeuce.com/news/kdvr-neighbors-remember-family-killed-txt,0,1686006.story

Gotta love it!

2010-10-14T21:29:00.002-05:00

A week and a half ago I quit being Tortuga's teacher. I sent a text to C. saying "I quit my teaching job of eldest. As a teacher I feel great! As his parent, we are scr*w*d. Who are we going to get to teach him?" Then I told him that I quit. I was no longer willing to be his teacher and since he wasn't interested in learning anything or doing schoolwork then it was a "win-win" for all of us. I wasn't compromising my relationship with him as him mom any longer by having to deal with his constant ODD when it comes to his studies. He was speechless. We had gone through about a week of his constant need to contradict, compromise, and interfere with his and anyone else's learning not because he doesn't like to learn or even because he hates schoolwork but because he has to be oppositional. I was tired and he was mad because he wasn't being praised for some of the ~~crappy~~ lousy work he was doing. Everything he does has to be done fast so he was making careless mistakes on his work even when he clearly understood what to do. If there was a direction to be followed he wasn't doing it. More importantly he was taking a great deal of time away from his siblings learning time with constant interruption, rudeness and need to "engage" with me, mostly in arguments I wouldn't participate in.I told him that since learning was his primary job and he was unwilling to do it he lost the privileges that came with a successful school day--movies, Wii time, outside playtime after dinner (big deal because we supervise and they get to do stuff all together), etc. He could spend the school hours in his room doing in-room activities (drawing, reading, activity books, puzzles, legos, etc.).

At first he loved it. Of course, I took advantage and used those days to do "fun" school with Corazon. We built a bat house, made a model bridge, tested our volcanos which is our current unit, researched C.'s ancestors on-line as part of our colonial history social studies unit, and for good measure I threw in some hands-on craft and art projects. By Saturday he was begging me to be his teacher again. I told him I wasn't ready. I was enjoying NOT being abused. On Monday, he asked again so I asked him to put it in writing. Here is part of what he wrote:

Dear Mom, I need you to be my teacher. Why? Because if you can't be my teacher who else can? The second reason is because I know you are very smart. I need to have a teacher who is very smart. Other teachers hardly teach me as much as you do. I need YOU. Also, other teachers give you boring work and you don't. All the work that you give me is interesting and I learn a great deal. Another reason is because I like to do homeschool. It's quiet and easy to do things as I relax but also make my brain work hard to learn new things. So, I need you to be my teacher. Understand? Plus it makes me proud when people ask me what school I go to. I say "I'm homeschooled because I have the smartest teacher in the whole world and she doesn't let me think I cannot learn everything and anything I want." ... My last reason is because it it fun to do work and learn things from you. It's interesting. Now that is all I have got to say. I just BEG you to be my teacher once more. Love, me.(your loving son who like having you be my teacher even though I behave that I don't.)"

Priceless. That child has come so far and even though I know he has far to go I cannot help but be proud and impressed by him.

Today we did a "test run" and I agreed to "teach" him. I gave him the option of changing his mind with the condition that once I started teaching him again he could not be rude, mean, disrespectful, etc. to me or his schoolwork without it resulting in automatic loss of some serious privileges (library time is the biggest privilege for my geeky kids so that was at the top of it) and I would not longer support his writing/drawing blog (I do all the typing/ scanning/etc.) We shall see how this goes but he has been on his best behavior today--even thanking me for every correction and redirection. He greets each new assignmentwith a smile and saws "cool" or "awesome." Do I expect it to last? I don't know but I know that I am going to do my best to not let him slip and hold my end of the bargain when he slips. One thing I have learned with this kid is that I have to follow through every single time otherwise he goes downhill fast.

What I am going to try...

2010-10-03T07:27:00.001-05:00

After a lovely night out with C.--hanging out with wonderful, new friends who gave us lessons on beer and tell the best stories (I haven't laughed that much in a long time), getting real life hugs (and kisses) for the first time from a beautiful toddler I've "known" (thanks to blogland) since she was born, and snuggling a wonderfully smelling 11 day old newborn--I am ready to tackle the challenges around here.

Corazon had the hardest time staying with a babysitter last night. She was up 3 times last night. I owe a big thank you to some folks who have shared some great advice for tackling her current behaviors.The nonsense chatter thing is more under control (not the random laughing--not real laughter) but I took some advice and am now doing the random fake laughter too. She. hates. it. She will run up to me and say "WHAT?!" I just say "what?" back and keep going. She isn't sure what to do about it but I think it might be having it's effect. I also started having her "narrate" my actions for me because one of the things she has started doing again is she follows my every move and if I am out of her sight line she has to follow me around. It wouldn't be so bad if she could get anything done but she can't because every one of my actions distracts her and she is hyper-focused on me. She isn't enjoying the narrating but in the week that I have been having her do it I am seeing a small decrease in this behavior so we will keep trying.

I got a great suggestion from RadMomInOhio that I have started this morning. I am thanking her for her concern that I am doing something wrong and giving her a hug each time she does it. So far, she likes what I am doing and I am getting a high-pitched "You ARE Welcome." I can tell she is enjoying it but I have a feeling it will get old. I shall see. We have had good success with having her recite a mantra that says "I am not the parent and I don't really want to be the parent so I need to learn to trust mom to parent me." That has reduced some of the problem in the past but this has come back with a vengeance and she is just so dysregulated so much of the time.

I did take Mama Drama's advice to heart (the part about the ibuprofen, Mike's Hard Lemonade, and shower) with a night out last night so today we are starting on another part of her advice. She suggested handing Corazon those Highl*ghts-type puzzles where you have to find something wrong because she is in the mood to find things that are wrong. I have printed up a whole bunch of those in addition to some paragraphs that need editing (we are studying this in homeschooling) and I have the stack right where I can easily reach it and hand her one after thanking her for correcting me. I am hoping the combination of these two strategies will break her out of this.

The rest of the kids are doing OK. We have gotten a short reprieve from Tortuga's behaviors (he always does "better" when Corazon is doing "worse." Pollito is still exhibiting some challenging behaviors but his attachment is getting stronger and he has very few nightmares these days. Milagro informed me that she is ready school and asked me to walk her to our neighbor's house so she could play with him "without" me because she is a big kid now and can go to "my friend's house by myself." Even though she is our youngest, I do believe she is close to being our most independent child!

My plans for the rest of the day are to enjoy this beautiful fall day (high temp only in the low 80's!) get outside with the kids and maybe start some Halloween planning.

Gotta love it....

2010-09-30T14:46:00.000-05:00

Still struggling with Corazon's inconsistent behaviors. If something is worrying/bothering her, I cannot tell what it is yet. In addition, Corazon in in this stage where she is trying on "normal" kid behaviors (not the nice ones) with a RAD-like, need-to-control-everything, twist. Our biggest current issue is that she has to argue with everything I say because I am "wrong." Dozens of times each day she will find some seeming inconsistency or error in what I say or do and then she will crisply tell me that I am wrong. She will enunciate each of her words with a drama and flair that would be comical if it weren't so annoying. This morning for example she was helping me get breakfast and asked if she should get the yogurt out. I said "no we don't have any yogurt y'all would like." She said "mom, you are wrong. We do have yogurt." I repeated what I said verbatim and asked her to get the toast started. Instead of starting the toast, she went to the refrigerator, opened it, walked over to where I was and put her face right in front of mine and slowly said "Mom, you.are. wrong. We. do. have. yogurt!" I stopped what I was doing and said, "ok, what do you want to do about it now?" She said "I really wanted yogurt and I just wanted to tell you that we have yogurt because you said we didn't and you are wrong." I said "ok. Now what?" So she asked if she should take it out and put it in a bowl. I said "sure." She put the last of the yogurt into a dish while I finished putting the rest of breakfast together for everyone. As they got seated I put the bowl with the last of the yogurt in front of her and walked off. She nearly fell off her chair as she exclaimed "why are you giving this to me, I don't like plain yogurt!" I said "I know, none of you do." She said "I know but I thought you should give it to someone else not me." That made perfect sense to me. Guess who did not enjoy her breakfast?

She has taken to doing certain things that should be no big deal except that they are irritating because she needs me to be her audience. For example, she will chatter on and on about "nothing" just like her friend down the street. When they are together it is silly and fun and annoying and too loud but not atypical of normal girls their age. It's not a big deal except that in Corazon's case it never stops. Never. She does it whenever there is an adult within earshot and she does it really loudly. She will interrupt me a dozen times in a 2 minute conversation with someone else to chatter about random disconnected things. If I check her and send her off she starts talking in nonsensical syllables, loudly, and then laughing. She then gets lost in this and seemingly cannot stop. She will do this for hours until she annoys everyone anywhere near her but she will keep it up as she follows us around because it's no fun without an audience, I suppose.

Then there's the pouting. Her friend "pouts" whenever she doesn't get her way so Corazon has taken to pouting. Of course, she now pouts about everything and at everyone--siblings, parents, other adults. If I ask or tell her to do something, she frowns and pouts. If she has to do something she doesn't feel like doing at the moment (schoolwork), or has forgotten to do (brush teeth), or needs to do (stop yelling at me)... she pouts. If I hand her something she needs to put away... she frowns and pouts. All the while she stands there pouting at me. The more I notice it, the more she does it. I tell her to stop or else...and she continues to do it. So finally, thanks to the wisdom of another RAD mom (thanks Christine) I was reminded that "prescribing the problem" could help. Silly me. I have prescribed the problem dozens of times but somehow I managed to not even think of this in dealing with the pouting and nonsense chatter. So starting Saturday, I gave her pouting time and chatter time every. single. time. she did those things. Guess what....no chatter since yesterday morning. And the pouting seems to be diminishing by the hour. Now if I can just figure out how to fix her need to tell me/show me I am wrong about everything. I am thinking I could prescribe something but just not sure how to do that yet. Suggestions?

About that shoe...

2010-09-22T06:34:00.001-05:00

It dropped. What is it about writing about the good stuff that makes us regret it? Corazon has been a major challenge since I last wrote here. She is now in a "no thinking required" mode. If it requires any thought, she wants no part of it and she "can't" do it. Doing schoolwork is impossible. She can't remember how to add, spell, write, or read unless it is something that isn't supposed to be her business. She has been at this for about a week. In spurts she rallies and pulls something off, otherwise, it's not pretty. Chores? She can't remember how to load the dishwasher, clothes dryer, make a bed, fill a water bowl for the cats, change a litterbox, etc. She. cannot. do. it. We have tried tapping, rubbing, exercise, brain gym, practicing patience (aka strong sitting), cuddle time, and it doesn't work. She is battling for control over every. little. thing. Even when I don't engage in the battle. She is in battle mode. She cannot brush her teeth, comb her hair, dress, etc. unless she has over an hour and even then she has "forgotten" some important step. Eating a meal takes hours. Seriously. I have asked her what's on her mind and I hit a blank wall. She is clearly distressed but doesn't know why (or won't share). Her tone of voice with her younger siblings is terrible. She is mean, rude, bossy, just plain obnoxious. If there's an expectation she cannot meet it. If I am not supervising her she is getting into serious trouble. I don't know what is going on with her or how to help her snap out of it. She has gotten better about talking about what is going on for her but right now what I get is "nothing" and "I don't know." To make things worse, C. has been away (which is usually when Corazon does better) so I haven't gotten much of a break. I am at the end of my rope with her right now but we are riding it out as best we can.

Reflecting on Corazon...

2010-09-14T08:29:00.002-05:00

We have been home for a little over a month now and the dust seems to be settling. I must admit I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop as far as RAD behaviors go. Corazon has done remarkably well most of the summer and even in the transition home. While we were away we celebrated her 10th birthday with a "luau." The most amazing thing that happened is that she held it together the entire day--throughout the prep, during, and after. There was NO fallout. None. at. all. That is amazing. More importantly there weren't even any "bumps" or redirection. She seemed so happy and relaxed. Of course it helped that there weren't too many other kids besides close family and she was able to "ignore" her need for adult attention. We just had a great time!

She is growing so much and so fast and in some wonderful ways. I am aware of the pushes and pulls that are more "normal" than "RAD" much of the time. She still struggles with trusting us to know what is best and her need to control and dominate almost every situation still surfaces. And the DRAMA and "forgetting" how to do things is still a big issue. Her need for attention (any attention) is still high and she doesn't seem to distinguish between positive and negative attention. There are still days she is so dysregulated that she cannot function but there are many more days when she can pull it back together. Her sense of herself as a "good person" has grown but she still has doubts. She will ask me if I like her or if I think other people like her and she truly cares to hear the answer (although I don't think she always believes that she is quite likable.) When she loses it, there are more genuine emotions and feelings expressed and the fact that she can articulate them is HUGE. Managing those emotions and feelings is tough for her but we are so much farther than we were a year ago. It is possible to see that she is actively WORKING to counter her RAD and be a more typical kid. She asks questions like "do I do this because I have RAD?" or "If I didn't have RAD would I do this differently?" and she will say "I wish the RAD would go away already!" at times when she recognizes the struggle. Her attachment to me is secure (anxiously) and is growing towards C. although she views C. as a threat and competition for my attention.

All in all she is doing so very well. I have been trying to write my usual birthday letter to her but am at a loss for the right words to convey all that I see and feel. My guess is it will appear here whenever I do finish it and hopefully before she turns 11! When I think about where we have been with her and how far she has come I can't help but be a very proud mama.

Sometimes it's the little things that they remember...

2010-08-26T07:51:00.000-05:00

I have this little book by Forbes (Heather) called "100 Daily Parenting Reflections." I have read it many times and each time I do I usually find some "kernel" to chew on and reflect upon. Today I was reading one entry that read as follows:

"The absolute essence of parenting is being able to step outside of your own emotional discomfort in order to meet your child at his level of emotional (dis)comfort."

I was reminded of a conversation I had with the children a few days ago. We were having dinner and "telling stories." This is one of their favorite things and they beg to hear stories of my childhood or my memories of them. I usually try to get them to tell their own stories and memories of one another which for the older kids usually means telling stories about the younger ones. Since we were about to celebrate Pollito and Milagro's birthdays the conversation naturally gravitated to when Milagro was born and when Pollito first came to us. Tortuga told the story of going to the "Baby" store to get gifts for Milagro just before she was born. I had encouraged each of the children to get a gift for her and for C. and we had gone out in the rain to pick out gifts for them.

At the baby store Tortuga, Corazon and Pollito each picked out a onesie with some clever saying and then they asked to pick out a toy for her so we walked over to that aisle. As Tortuga told the story he couldn't remember what he or the other kids had picked out for Milagro but he did remember something much more important to him. He remembered that as the day it "rained really hard on us" and he got his "baby keys." He also recalled "how happy" he felt. He was 8 1/2 years old. I had forgotten that I had allowed each of them to pick out a baby toy for themselves. I recalled curbing my impulse to say "no" because they were too old for those toys and deciding to let them pick something out. They were all so excited to pick out baby toys for themselves and they spent a long time making the decision. Ultimately two kids settled on those "baby keys" and the other chose a rattle. They still have those toys in their dressers in the top shelf where they keep other "special" things. None of them came to us as babies so they didn't come with baby toys so this is all they have. I am so happy that I let them choose these toys and got over my own embarrassment at the checkout when each of them pointed out to the cashier which toys were for their baby sister and which ones were for them. I do remember her quizzical expression but I had forgotten how special these things were for them.

Tortuga's retelling got me thinking about the ways in which I have, and have not, been able to step outside my own "emotional discomfort" to meet them exactly where they are emotionally even if it doesn't match who they are physically, chronologically or even cognitively. Corazon went through a phase when she was about 6 years old in which she would "show me" everything she could do--walk, crawl, roll a ball, eat with a fork--and at first I was puzzled and even annoyed by this until I read somewhere that this was sometimes part of how a child behaves when they are starting to "feel" the connection to a caregiver. In some cases they re-live some of those critical milestones that they (we) have missed out on. I learned my lesson. When Pollito started doing this I had learned my lesson and tried to respond with the glee and excitement that I would with Milagro.

I also started trying to be more mindful of things they had missed out on that could help us build emotional security and maybe fill in some gaps. When each of our children came we got them three "bed toys." Each one got a stuffed animal of a cat (we have cats) and another animal. They also each got one of those baby blanket toys with a stuffed animal head at the corner (sounds weird but I think people know what I mean.) We also started working on their lifebooks and collected pictures and stories from foster parents and social workers. Over time I realized the importance of collecting mementos for them that might have greater meaning as they got older. This included pictures of them in the outfits they wore when we first met them, their first drawings, a lock of hair from first haircuts and first tooth lost while living with us, etc. Over time I have added "baby items" that they have expressed a desire to have or that I hoped would help them connect to that part of themselves.

When Milagro was born, Pollito asked if he had a "baby blanket" so I gave him two receiving blankets with ducks on them that he loves to this day. Soon afterward, Corazon asked for a baby blanket for her doll so I gave her two and they quickly became blankets for her "bed toys." She still keeps them on her bed. Tortuga decided he also needed blankets for his "bed toys" so I gave him two and one has been reduced to shreds because he slept with it on his face every night and used it for all kinds of other things. The other one "accidently" makes it on every trip we take. We are now at a stage where the two boys use "baby wash" and "baby shampoo" when they shower because they claim to like the smell of it. All of them have had baby mobiles hanging in their rooms even though we bought them based onthemes of interest (moon and stars or fish) and not because we thought they needed the mobiles. When we took Milagro's hand and foot prints for her baby book I bought card stock and took the older kids handprints which we framed and labelled. All of the younger kids have had "footed" pjs at one time or another. These now hang in their rooms. Tortuga noticed that he didn't have any and after my initial response of "you are too big for them" I went on a serious hunt for footed pjs in a size 12/14. (I found them and he loved them!)

I have tried to remain open to "noticing" when baby or toddler things catch their attention and whenever possible have tried to support their desire to have or participate in play related to this. I think all of these things have helped foster attachment and emotional security. This summer we travelled with Milagro's current favorite blanket which C.'s mother made for her when she was born and we were talking with her about how much Milagro loves that blanket. She mentioned that she had thought about making them for the other kids but thought they were too old. A little lightbulb went off in both C's and my head at the same time and we simultaneously exclaimed "No! They aren't!" We laughed and now she is going to make "baby blankets" for each of them as a Christmas gift.

Home

2010-08-20T06:48:00.002-05:00

We got home about a week ago and have been settling into a routine as we prepare for a new homeschooling year. I have been vigilant as I watch the kids for signs of trouble since these transitions are usually the worst for them. Milagro is happy to be home. She walks around talking about all the things she missed and recounting tales from our time away. She misses a few things from Boston and still goes on and on about Monticello, the Liberty Bell and the Statue of Liberty. In fact, a book about each of these is on her birthday list which is coming up this weekend. Pollito seems happiest to be home. He goes back and forth between giddy-ness and goofy-ness but mostly he is just happy to be here. Corazon is more subdued but so far has settled into her usual routines and is actually anxious and happy to be doing her morning writing prompts. (Her blog should see some post soon I think.) Tortuga is also subdued. We haven't seen any of his "old" behaviors but I think there are a couple of storms brewing.

Last year it was after this trip that things got really bad with Tortuga and we made some pretty drastic changes which I first wrote about here. We have been anxious about what might happen but have optimistically been giving him more "privileges" as "tests." To many of you these won't seem like privileges but based on what we have been doing to try and help him (and the rest of us) they are things Tortuga has had to show he is ready to do. One of these is that he now has almost all of his meals with the family. In the week we have been home he has only had one meal away from us. This is huge! Mealtime is a high-stress time for him because he has to negotiate a wide range of feelings and competing interests including what we call "hating-on" Pollito and Corazon combined with competing with them for Milagro's, C.'s, and my attention. He also has to manage appropriate table manners, eating behaviors, inappropriate talking, (not)making faces, impatience, jealousy (comparing portions of food with other kids) frustration, and that is before any topic of discussion comes up. So far he is managing pretty well except for trying to dominate and/or be involved in everyone's conversation. We have also given him more "unsupervised" but structured time playing with Milagro and Corazon (He cannot handle doing this with Pollito yet because they are reduced to warring pre-schoolers in pretty negative ways.) So far that works for about 30-45 minutes before he starts to escalate and needs to go back to "quiet" activities. He has also picked up most of his old chores again (we had removed them when he decided to not be in the family last year) and for the most part that is going well. He asks to do chores and seems disappointed when I turn down his requests.

Yet, I do think we have a couple of big storms brewing. The first is over the fact that we did not see his mother while we were in Massachusetts. To say we tried would be an understatement. I made over 25 phone call and did speak with her and set up meetings numerous times. She didn't show up but since this has often been a pattern we didn't tell him we were supposed to meet her and just played off being at the designated meeting spots for some other reasons. Eventually we did have to tell him she wasn't showing and that she was no longer answering her phone/returning phone calls. He has seemed okay with it but I don't think he really can be.

One very sweet thing that happened that might be mediating this happened right before we headed home to Texas. We had scheduled another visit with Corazon's mother because her brother, sister, niece, nephew and grandmother hadn't made it to the previous visit. This time I left the other kids with a sitter. At the end of the visit with Corazon's mother in which we made plans for her to visit us in the Spring, she asked about the other kids interests so she could get them "a little something." She is always concerned about Tortuga and feels very bad about what she knows of his circumstances so she once again expressed her sadness about his not seeing his mother. She asked me to relay a message to him if I thought it was appropriate. She told me to tell him she would be happy to be his "birth mom substitute" if he wanted. She offered to talk with him about why she thought his mother might be conflicted about seeing him and offered to be his "punching bag" (her words) if he just needed to get mad at her. I thought about it and decided to share this with him. He was genuinely touched and actually thrilled. He wanted to call her right away and so we did. She was wonderful! She told him he could plan on visiting her next summer (whether or not he saw his mother) and told him a few things about why she thought his mother couldn't make visits. She also encouraged him to let her (Corazon's

The second storm that is brewing is that he is testing and trying new behaviors on "for size." He has made a few choices that were inappropriate and a couple that were unsafe. I think he is trying to see if all the "old" expectations still apply and probably his awareness of his new "privileges" around here are fueling this. A couple of his new behaviors have been "nipped" quickly but a couple of others might be linked to budding adolescence. Speaking of which I think we are reaching the onset of puberty with him. In the past week I have had more conversations about penises and body changes in boys that I had the entire time I was counselling middle schoolers over a decade ago! I think I am actually getting pretty good at this. :-)

Because you asked...

2010-08-12T12:33:00.001-05:00

I think I have a couple of posts brewing sparked by some of the questions raised in the comments on my last post. Right now I want to answer a few of the questions that I think I have ready answers to. GB's mom asked if I was going back to work. I think the short answer is not in the near future. I have mixed feelings about that because I miss working, having work colleagues, planning my courses, and adult conversations (in real life ones that is :-)) The plan was for me to stay home for a year. I have now been home for two and most of the time I like it. The "work" feels so much more meaningful in many ways and certainly I think the kids benefit from it. As an educator I see the academic and social progress my oldest have made since they stopped attending regular school with the pressures that they aren't able to manage and I know it is the best choice for them. It satisfies some of my need for course planning, too! So most of the time, I am happy being home and homeschooling and therapeutic parenting.

Lynn asked something that I have been thinking an awful lot about. She said "don't you think the "cycle" of parenting for anyone is that you start out totally dedicated to your child(your life goes onto the back burner) and as they grow and become more independent then you slowly get to return to your relationship time?" I think there is much truth to what she says. This was especially true for us because we got three kids in 8 months (in 2007) so our lives centered around the needs of a new high special needs kid (who wanted to kill us!), a toddler who didn't speak, a newborn plus our daughter with RAD who had to do a whole lot of adjusting in a pretty short time frame. The whirlwind of all that activity and transition and getting to know their needs certainly dominated my life. However I was still working full-time so I still felt the "split" loyalties and responsibilities. In a funny way what helped is that C. and I also got married in the middle of all that and we joked about our "shotgun wedding" (she was 8 months pregnant) and "newlywed" status in the midst of all of the happenings. There wasn't much dedicated time for our "relationship" but we viewed it as "stolen moments" and focused on keeping our communication as clear as possible (essential for our triangulating kids) and it worked. There are times we think they are becoming more independent and we may have more time for ourselves but then they surprise us and don't seem to be ready for that independence. Somehow we foresee needing a babysitter for our son even when he turns 16-17 so we have to find another way to make time for our relationship. I think this is where babysitters come in but our kids have only recently been ready for that. (The two oldest rarely make up stories to get us in trouble anymore so we have a little bit more trust that we won't come home to social services/police investigations which has been a significant fear for a long time but especially since our move to a new state.) I guess in theory, I do hope it is true that they will become more independent and we can go back to the things that are for just us (together and individually) at some point but for now it seems far on the horizon so we work to make it happen now as much as we can.

Bryna is still struggling to fall into a routine with her foster son. We can certainly relate to that especially when we first got Corazon (pre-RAD diagnosis) because each day was like a huge surprise in terms of behavior, attitude, needs, railroading efforts, etc. We created a routine that served our realities (schedule and priorities) and her needs (schedule, safety, physical, emotional, etc.) and moved from there. C. was less comfortable being alone with Corazon for long periods of time and she certainly was most dysregulated when I wasn't around and once I was around she raged and raged and raged. Even now, we have certain things we won't do unless the other parent will be around so it means having to postpone doling out consequences and/or privileges because we understand enough of what might happen and what support looks like for us.The key for us is to keep talking with each other about our fears and concerns and needs and not let the parenting stressors take its toll on our relationship.

Bryna also asked about finding babysitters and preparing babysitters. I don't know how helpful I can be because we have only recently started using babysitters that weren't very close to us and who knew (really knew) what we were up against especially with Corazon. Recently we have hired two different young women to babysit and they both work for us but are quite different. One of them really doesn't "like" kids very much and that works for us with the two oldest because they do worst when the sitter tries to engage and interact with them. The other LOVES our two little ones and enjoys keeping up with them so we can have her babysit those two and ONE of the older ones by giving her clear direction on what to do with each of them. I think we found that what works best is to give sitters very specific guidelines about what the kids are expected to do and have no wiggle room otherwise. It helps our kids feel safe. For example, we would say "While we are gone Corazon may only be in this space, she has all the activities she can do right here so she doesn't need to go to any other part of the house. If she tries to suggest it is time for bed." In our case several of our kids can never be in the same space together for safety reasons so we tell sitters that and require direct supervision if something necessitate their being in the same space (meals, for example.) We will sometimes vary our routine so that the kids feel safest. For example, we might postpone bedtime if it will raise anxiety and allow in bed reading time until we come home of they fall asleep. Or vice versa. We might declare early bedtime and move up dinner schedule, reading time, bath, etc. I think consistency is key for any child with special needs and we don't try to leave too many rules as "rules" but as "needs." That helps our sitters follow our expectations even if they might not agree with them.

Ohchicken, who started all this reflection on our parenting, asked about finding time to be a couple and not feel like we are just co-parents. I think we struggle with this because we have this sense of being a couple as having to do with "alone time" in which just the two of us are doing something together. That's not often possible when the kids needs us right there and then or when one of us has to supervise a raging child while the other gets dinner on the table or keeps the other kids from freaking out. By the time we are done with the day to day we are tired and just need to go to sleep. I think we were friends and colleagues for so long before we had children that we have those connections together so I can still help her with her work and she can support my efforts at homeschooling with insights from those other "lives." That helps. It also helps that we can say to each other what we are missing or needing or worried about even if the other one cannot fix it. We try not to react in anger and frustration and when we do we quickly acknowledge it even if it cannot change at the moment. It helps us keep other dimensions (friendship, colleague) of our relationship alive which helps our relationship as a couple as well. We are getting better about taking the time alone together outside the house by hiring babysitters more often and we find that we may or may not end up talking about the kids when we go out but it is fine either way. I think what has also helped us is that we view our time with our kids as part of OUR time and relationship as well. I don't know if that makes sense but for us spending time "with the family" can also feel like time for us because the kids are happiest, and have fewer issues and meltdowns when we are all together than when left to their own devices. Plus it helps that in TX there are restaurants with attached playgrounds which has made it easier to all go out to dinner and know that we have a half hour of time to chat while the kids are engaged and safe. We can still supervise but use that time to talk, dream and reconnect. I think we try to create as many "moments" like that throughout our days to get us to the times when we can actually spend more substantive time alone together and for us that works. Of course, we always want more time together, we get frustrated when we can't find it and we miss not having that but when it comes down to it we wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world. We feel so very blessed to have what we have and we try to show our gratitude for that every chance we have.

I am not trying to paint a rosy picture because it's way more complicated than that but I guess I would say that we are very much in love and in like with one another and we seem to have a philosophy that allows us to live as fully as we can in the moment and make choices that we won't regret later. Sometimes that means putting kids above everything else and other times it means leaving them in bed or in their rooms longer so that we can have time to check in and be on the same page or at least what page the other dragged us to!

P.S. for Lynn. Corazon has that lava lamp in her room so I think it must still be in style. :-)

Well orchestrated flying by the seat of our pants...

2010-08-06T06:09:00.000-05:00

A while ago Ohchicken asked how C. and I balance parenting and how we make it all work. I am not sure this will answer her question but I thought I'd try to respond just because she asked so nicely... :-)

C. and I generally see eye-to-eye on most of the big things (values, expectations, priorities, etc.) and have a very high regard for the other's perspective on just about anything. We have been professional colleagues, friends and partners for long enough that we trust one another's decisions even if we wouldn't always do it that way ourselves. We don't tend to second guess one another nor do we engage in blame (except self-blame) when we screw up. We each know that we are our own worst critics and tend to be highly reflective in nature so when we screw up we seek each other for support even if we know the other one would never have made that same mistake. Another thing that influences many of our interactions (consciously and not) is that C. could have lost her life a few years ago in a freak accident that turned our world upside down. Ever since then we both have a greater appreciation for the frailty of it all so we try not to waste time on stuff we cannot control or change and thus we work hard to accept each other as we are and trust we do the best we can at any given time especially stress producing times. :-)
I think we have a pretty good system of parenting/household managing. I can get really caught up in the parenting for the kids' specific needs, keeping the older kids regulated, gauging their moods/ability to handle stuff at any given moment, etc. and she infuses more of the "fun" into our daily lives. We seem to see eye-to-eye on most things and where we each have blind spots/gaps the other has a strength. Generally speaking I am the "final word" on most things but that's because I am home with them, the "therapeutic" parent, and have more patience (or so she says..) The kids view me as the "final" authority on the day to day but know anything major goes through both of us and if they try to triangulate us (which they have) they don't get very far. It's works probably because we have good communication and make all big decisions together.

People we have met in Texas work pretty hard to "figure us out." Some of it is that we are the only same-sex couple they know with kids and some of it is because we seem to defy most of the stereotypes they might have about lesbians. A few months ago we were chatting with one of our neighbors about our household tasks for the weekend and she started to say "oh, I get it. You are more like the woman and she is more like the man." Ugh. No. We nicely pointed out she shouldn't go down that path and she caught herself pretty quickly. But that brought up what I think gets confusing for folks who see us together and don't automatically "guess" that we are together because we both look pretty "girly"although don't let C. know that I wrote that.

Up until a year and a half ago we were both working full-time and living in Boston. At that time I had most of the running around duties (pick-ups, drop-offs, appts, sports, etc.), cooking, shopping, etc. She and I shared the housework pretty evenly and seemed to have a good balance of joint skills, likes and dislikes. For example, I tend to do most of daily household upkeep but she does vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms. She did grocery shopping and I did the other shopping. I did the bulk of cooking, daily chores (which kids share), and based on work schedules dealt with the bulk of kid "care." At the time she worked a nine-to-five job and I was teaching at the college level so I could juggle my teaching schedule to accommodate our children's needs. That was ideal when Milagro was born because after C.'s parental leave ended I took mine and then was able to take her to work with me while the other kids were in school/daycare. Since I taught masters level students I could schedule my classes in the late afternoon/evenings so for over a year I had one "hell" day (7 a.m. - 10:15 pm) of work but the rest of the week I was flexible enough that I could come and go as needed or work from home. I taught on one other night so when I wasn't there she could be with the kids then. On my long day, I still ran out to do school pickups, dropped all the kids with a friend for 1 hour then C. left work early to manage them for the night. That gave her a sense of their routines, etc. and a little appreciation for the rest of my week. She SWEARS I do the harder job! :-) Overall this worked well for us. I tended to do the morning/getting ready stuff and we split the bedtime stuff (I did baths, homework, etc. while she did stories, tucking in, etc.) When we had to be up in the middle of the night I tended to do the bulk of it because she had the 9-5 job and because I need less sleep and can go back to sleep more easily after multiple interruptions. I should probably say that we were lucky enough that the baby slept through the night from day one!!! Seriously. We woke her to feed/change her and she went right back to sleep. I can count on one hand the number of times I have needed to be up with her at night and every single time it has been due to illness. Before you start hating me I should note that the OTHER 3 kids would wake me up several times each (bathroom, nightmares, drama, sneaking, etc.) so I didn't quite get the break I would have liked. Generally, I tended to do all the "emergency" stuff just because of my more flexible schedule.

When we were moving to Texas we decided that I would stay home for the first year to help kids with transition stuff and then we would reassess and figure out how that was working for all of us. My going from full-time work outside the home to being a stay-at-home mom gave me more time to focus on the kids' needs and on the day-to-day household stuff. However we found that many of the habits we had cultivated around the household stuff still made sense for us (I still hate vacuuming and toilets!) so we haven't really changed much of it except to accommodate schedules and needs. She has a less predictable schedule because she isn't working a 9-5 now. She is a doctoral student and works 2 part time consulting jobs that add up to more than one full time job. She tends to have one day working from home and 4 days with changing schedules. I do the day to day but we split certain things up. For example, last school year Pollito was the only one who didn't homeschool. I would get him up, dressed, fed, and make sure he has everything he needed for school and I did the after-school pickup. She tended to make his lunch, drop him off in the a.m., and go into his classroom whenever we have a question/issue/etc. With Corazon's gym, I did drop offs and she did pickups and meetings at the gym but I do ALL the corresponding with coaches and "fundraising" booster club. We generally take turns doing appointments (e.g. parent conferences or doctor's appointments) depending on schedules or who has the more relevant information. (For example, I ALWAYS do Tortuga's doctor's appointments because I have his history and meds info committed to memory.) I still do the daily household upkeep (she vacuums and does bathrooms). If we need to do work around the house she tends to do much of the physical labor (lifting and carrying) but I tend to do the actual "work" (plumbing, electrical, etc.) although we both enjoy putting things together so that one is dependent on who has time, opportunity or desperately wants the thing put together. :-) Generally she will run errands to places like H*me D*p*t but I have made the lists and have a better sense of the specifics we need. She tends to deal with workmen if we need something done around the house that I can't do although I generally am the one home when they come by. Right now, she makes the money but we both handles the finances.

When she is home she spends as much time with the kids as she can. There are things she does with each one (nightly walks with Milagro), reading to the two older kids, biking with Corazon, basketball with Tortuga, grocery shopping with Pollito and Milagro, reading with Pollito, etc. It's a big deal when one of them can do their "schoolwork" with her at a coffee shop when she has to get away from the house to write/grade papers. Tortuga and Corazon will usually get the privilege of going with her to "work." We try to reserve our weekends for "family" time as much as possible. These days that looks like Saturday morning "family chores" and then "family errands." We try to reserve almost ALL of our errands for Saturdays and sometimes we divide and conquer and other times do them all together depending on what needs to get done. She can usually run important errands that need to happen during the week (post office, bank, dry cleaners, etc.) if we need so that I don't have to take all 4 kids shopping just for milk, bread or whatever. That is the biggest challenge when we really NEED something and I have to take all 4 of them. Saturday afternoons/evenings and Sundays we tend to do stuff as a whole family as much as possible because we both enjoy it.

We try to have a plan of what needs to be done overall and we each are willing to take over the other's role if one of us is too tired, has other work to do, etc. Her line is to not have all 4 kids by herself but she will if she had to. Share professional relationship so we talk over her work stuff pretty often. Finding time for ourselves is hard and that is something we don't do as well as we could/should but we are working on that. We try to have good routines for the kids so that we have time together and we are getting better at going out now that we have found a couple of babysitters who seem to follow our rules. We try to talk about things other than the kids and work but those figure prominently in our lives so we aren't as successful at that. :-)

Do we bump into each other occassionally. Sure, nothing can go that smoothly with four kids and all the special needs ours have! Mostly we try to focus on the stuff that matters and the stuff that brings out the best in each of us because it is what allows us to give our best to our kids and each other. Questions?

What we have been up to...

2010-08-03T07:21:00.002-05:00

We have settled into a nice routine in Boston and I can honestly say it has been a really good time. We will start making our way back home sometime this week. We are ready to head home. They are good travellers. Our car trips (the long ones) are generally smooth unless they just aren't. Then they are hellish. Our original plan was to visit friends in CT, NYC, NJ, MD, D.C. and GA on the return trip. Some of that hinges on how long we stop in NJ to see C.'s family and how well the kids do. We probably won't be able to make the D.C. and Maryland stops since C. has a work commitment next week. The kids are starting to show signs of anxiety and sadness about leaving. I don't know what kind of parents actually enjoy seeing their kids be sad but I think some of you will understand when I say I am thrilled to see them be sad about leaving people here. These are new and genuine expressions of connectedness to family and friends here especially from the two oldest and I am cherishing them (not the accompanying behaviors but I can't have everything I want...) We have had some good talks about these new feelings.

We have had some good moments that I haven't had a chance to write about which have me it a special and wonderful summer. We have seen and spent good times with our dearest friends and had genuine quality time with them. It has been very satisfying and thus leaving is more difficult too.We have celebrated two birthdays and if we stay any longer it will be four birthdays! My sister and niece spent their first time on the East Coast with us and we had a wonderful time being "tourists." We can call ourselves Indigo Girls' "groupies" having now seen them in both Austin and Massachusetts during their current concert tour!

We have also had some bumps. No visit with the boys' mother. I have made many, many attempts to schedule a meeting and we have been stood up. Now her phone is not working. I am sad that we won't make the visit especially because Tortuga will be very disappointed. We had two visits with Corazon's mother who is having a hard time these days but who was very thoughtful especially to Tortuga. (I have been working on a whole post about the visits with Corazon's mother and Tortuga's ~~near rage~~ response to that.) We have seen some slippage in Tortuga's progress over the past several months but the true test will be when we return. He is mouthy and rude to me, questioning all of my decisions, challenging my authority, and refusing to cooperate. Since this has increased with C.'s departure and Corazon's visits with her mother I am thinking it is related to the changes and increased anxiety but we shall see.

Our travels these past few weeks took us to CT, RI, NH, upstate NY, Maine and VT. The high point was getting a chance to visit with The Other Mother and Mama Drama x2!

The kids had "fancy" pizza, played in the water, got pushed on the swings by The Other Mother, and had a grand time as we "closed down the park!" We talked and talked and it was wonderful to be with folks who not only "get it" but who are so gracious and wonderful to be with. As I said to Mama Drama sometimes it is often her blog that brings a smile to my face on those days where I wonder if I can keep going without losing my sanity! As much as I love her blog it was even better meeting in person. There's nothing like the feeling of being with people who don't miss a beat as you navigate the tricky waters of traumatized kids having too much fun while feeling unsupervised. The kids held it together nicely except for Tortuga who melted down almost immediately after we got in the car after saying goodbye to these wonderful women! Corazon was over the top having met one of her blog readers "Mama Drama" which I believe is the only name she remembers and getting some wonderful book recommendations from The Other Mother. She can't remember what I asked her to do 10 minutes ago but she does remember the books she referenced!

We are both looking forward to hosting them on their Fall visit to Texas!!!

Smitten Mama

2010-07-23T21:45:00.001-05:00

Note: I wrote this when Milagro reached the 2 1/2 mark. She is almost 3 but I am just getting around to posting it.

Milagro,

Wow you are two and a half already! Where did the time go? You are an amazingly gentle, loving and thoughtful little girl. You give hugs and kisses spontaneously and say "I love you, mom" several times each day for no reason at all. In the mornings after you wake up you snuggle and say you missed me and at night you say "buenas noches" and "I love you" several times until you fall asleep. Your brothers and sister are never far from your thoughts. You make sure they get treats when you get a treat and you always "save" stuff for them. At night you get upset if they go to bed before you get a chance to say goodnight. Your new thing is that at Corazon's gymnastics' drop-off you insist she hug you and say goodbye specifically to you. Before you used to cry as soon as we arrived at the gym because you didn't want her to go. Now you seem ok with leaving her there but if she forgets to say goodbye you cry the entire way home while wailing (literally) "she DIDN'T say gooooodbyyyyye to me!"

You have taken a serious interest in becoming a little jock. You have asked for dance class (ballet), soccer, football, ice skating, gymnastics, and after watching the winter olympics you have decided you want to learn to ski and snowboard. I have told you that it is not gonna happen little one but you think I am kidding. When I say "no you cannot take snowboarding lessons" you put on your most serious face and say "mom, you're so funny."

You are working hard to become more independent but I can see the struggles that lie beneath the surface. One minute you say "I need help" and "I'm just a baby" and then the next you let me know "I'm not a baby mom!" or you say "I can do it myself mom..." You want to do everything by yourself--get your own water from the dispenser on the fridge, put on your clothes, tie your shoes, sleep in your own bed and set up all your "bed buddies," night light, musical mobile and night lantern. Other times you announce you "have to" sleep with us because you are "just a little kid." I must admit that it is with mixed emotions that I push you towards independence and pull you to be a little baby just a bit longer. I love when you crawl into my lap and say "hold me like a baby." I also love when you march yourself up to bed by yourself or announce "I think it is time I went to bed mom."

Your language is absolutely amazing. While I try hard to not compare you to any of your siblings it is hard when I remember Pollito at this age. He's the most recent 2 1/2 year old I have lived with and it is such a different world. He had only a handful of words/phrases at this age. You pretty much can out talk him (and every one else in the house!) and it reminds me of how much difference a child's beginnings make. You have been nurtured, cared for and loved from the moment you were conceived and we have worked to show you that love in every way we could. You mimic everything and you remember most things. You use full sentences and even paragraphs to discuss and describe things. You even know how to use your words to "argue" back if you don't get your way. "BUT, I really need to...." or even "you can't say no cuz I want it!"

You have started remembering your dreams. You don't totally "get" the concept of dreaming so we have had a few not so funny moments when you woke up upset at mama because you thought she threw your baby doll outside and we have to take you out there to see it isn't there. Just yesterday you woke up telling me that you were with a babysitter and you were crying because we went "shopping" without you. You wanted us to take you with us but we left you with "Ms. Kaypin" instead. Sometimes these dreams are based in reality (we did leave you with a babysitter named Caitlyn) but you fill in the blanks and attribute it to a dream. This morning you told me you didn't have a dream. This is the first time you seemed to have acknowledged that you understood what a dream might be.

You have a sense of humor and make jokes at our expense sometimes. You laugh easily and often and you make us laugh. When we look down you dance and twirl around for us and if we don't give you the appropriate response you tell us it is funny and we should have laughed. You are still doing the "talk-sing" that you and I started when you were a little over a year. It is so funny. We sound like the "W*nder P*ets" as we sing our way through a normal conversation. You love doing this and usually sing "Mom why don't you sing so I can talk to youuuuu?" as a way of getting me into it. I wouldn't do this with or for ANYONE else!

When you were about to be born Tortuga and Pollito had only recently arrived (with us 7 and 6 months home) so we each promised that we were all going to make your babyhood the best one ever and all of your brothers and sisters shared that they wanted yours to include things they never had. I can honestly say they have done that for you and in return you love each of them unconditionally. You accept them wholeheartedly and enjoy being with each of them. When one of them is sad or upset you quickly go to them and hug them, comfort them and reassure them. You hug them spontaneously and are the only one who can bring a smile to Tortuga's face when he is in a total funk. You are such an incredible blessing!

How to traumatize my kids...

2010-07-22T19:39:00.001-05:00

Our vacation had gone really well until I jinxed it by saying so. And then I pushed things. On Sunday C. left to go back to Texas on business. On Monday, I left 3 kids with a sitter and took the other one with me to visit with my best friend from college. I had five hours of mostly uninterrupted time with my friend while Corazon had the swimming pool all too herself and talked my ear off for the hour-long drive each way. Heavenly. Then there was "pay back" time. Corazon had to pay me back for getting to have too much fun. Tortuga and Pollito had to pay me back for leaving them with a sitter. They were nightmarish from the moment I got home. Did I learn my lesson? Of course, not.

On Tuesday we went to the social services offices to visit their old social worker, her supervisor and one of Tortuga's former foster parents (who now works at the same office.) They were crazy. I can honestly say they have never been as poorly behaved in public as they were for the 45-50 minutes we were there. I couldn't even finish my meeting with the supervisor regarding services for Tortuga, the whereabouts of his older brother whose adoptive parents have relinquished back into foster care, our scheduled visit with Corazon's brother in RTC and a whole slew of other things. So I had to reschedule the meeting for another time and I was so annoyed with the kids that I cancelled all the fun stuff we were supposed to do after the visit. While I realized that being back in that office where they went for visits with birth families and waits for the next set of foster parents might bring up "stuff" for them, I underestimated the impact because they have never responded like that before. (That's an understatement!) The older kids were so bad that even good-natured Milagro was a basket-case. She whined, cried and clung to me as though I was going to leave her there. She never behaves that way. We headed home and dealt with meanness, rudeness, yelling, door slamming, stomping, (and you should have seen the kids' behaviors! Just kidding...)

Then on Wednesday I left 3 of them with a babysitter and Tortuga and I went driving all around town (literally) in Boston traffic looking and taking pictures at places he lived and went to school in while he was in foster care. He had requested this last summer and we only managed to get to a few of these but this time I had promised. He seemed excited and had only pleasant memories of the places he remembered and thanked me profusely for taking him around. After two hours the sitter called to say Milagro was having a hard time so we rushed through the rest of our stops to get back home. We were supposed to head out to see my college friend and her kids (from Monday's trip) and the kids assumed that meant they were going swimming since Corazon had gone swimming. We started out heading in that direction, heard severe weather warnings for the area, turned back, got caught in traffic, and by the time we got back the kids were starving. It was my fault since I forgot to feed them lunch. We stopped at their favorite pizza and sub shops. I was trying to make up for starving them and gave them free reign to choose their food and let them pick a soda. (Can someone say "dumb move"?) It was all too much for them. Their behavior left much to be desired and Corazon put me over the top by shaking her soda bottle and spraying it all over the other kids' food. I marched everyone home and relegated them to their quiet spots while I tried to deal with everyone's individual dramas. They two older ones were dysregulated and pretty ticked off with me and had no qualms let me know it with their behaviors (that's how I found out they were mad about not going swimming.)

I guess I now have a perfect formula for traumatizing my kids.

1. Have one parent leave town.
2. Leave them with babysitters.
3. Take them to places that raise their anxiety.
4. Let them have too much fun.
5. Have them miss out on fun I never thought they were expecting.
6. Let the child who has not experienced trauma spend time in strange places with 3 dysregulated kids who are freaking out so she can join in the "fun."

Honestly it has been horrible but some good things are and will come out of this. I will try to write about that part soon. Can you imagine how relieved I was that I had not told Corazon ahead of time that on Monday we were supposed to do a visit with her birth family since they did not show?

"But I feel like I grew in your belly."

2010-07-19T20:12:00.001-05:00

Pollito is almost 6 but in many ways is so much younger so he seems more like a 4 year old. Over the past few months he has begun to show interest in his adoption story and has wanted to hear it again and again. Our return to Boston has brought up some memories for him so he has begun to ask more about his life "before Texas." On the trip here he was very concerned that he could remember his crib and his toddler bed but he couldn't remember his old room or the color of the walls. As soon as we got to our old house he was excited to see the room he slept in (although he actually slept in our room much of the time for safety reasons) and he also remembered sleeping in our room. Since then he has called up some memories from the past and we have pointed out important places as we see them (favorite park, pond, daycare center, grocery store, etc.) He seems to remember some of this.

I had some pictures I needed to add to the photo album we put together for his birth mom in anticipation of our visit with her. He offered to help me and we reminisced about where the pictures were taken and how old he was. As we talked he asked me who the pictures were for and I told him they were for his and Tortuga's mother. He seemed puzzled so I stopped and repeated her name asked him if he remembered who she was. He said he did not so I pulled out the pictures from our visit with her last summer. He looked at it for a few minutes and said he did not remember her or our visit with her. I told him it was OK. We kept working with the pictures and he asked me his mother's name again. Then he said "I think I am supposed to love her. I don't remember her and I don't think I love her." I told him whatever he felt was fine. I also told him that she loved him very much because she knew him since before he was born, had him in her belly, gave birth to him, and was the first one to meet him and take care of him when he was a tiny baby. Since he dd not remember much of this he might not remember loving her and that was fine. He then said his brother, Tortuga, tells him he is supposed to love her and also tells him that she is his "real" mother because he "grew in her tummy." Then he said, "I think I am confused, Mom." I asked him to elaborate and he said "I think Tortuga is right .... BUT, I feel like I grew in your belly. Is that OK, mom?" I assured him it was perfectly fine to feel what he was feeling and that as he grew up he would understand more and more about his birth story, adoption, and all his mothers. He smiled and said he would dream about being in my belly because that made him sleep "good."

Vacation going well so far...

2010-07-15T16:59:00.001-05:00

We have been having a really wonderful time on vacation and the kids are doing pretty well. C.'s parents joined us for part of the time and my sister and niece spent 10 days with us. That gave us a great excuse for spending as much time on or near the water as possible. We all MISS the ocean so we are trying to store up as much water time as we can. The kids do very well on boats and in fact I was noticing how relaxed they all are whenever we board one. I don't know if it is the water that has a calming effect or the fact that we are all together and they know exactly where we all are (no more than 5 or 6 feet away) at all times. I am trying to get a post written about how the younger two are doing on this trip but I just haven't had enough quiet (and alone) time. For now the pictures will have to do!

Will it be bad for the boys?

2010-07-07T08:51:00.000-05:00

"Will it be bad for the boys to see me?" This is what Tortuga and Pollito's mother asked me on the phone this week as I was trying to schedule a time to see her. She told me her "counselor" told her she shouldn't be selfish and ask to see the boys because it "could be really bad for them." My heart ached as I reassured her that she should see the boys and that it would not "be bad" for them. I tried to explain that in some ways it might be painful for them (as she acknowledges that it is for her) but that nothing could change the fact that she is their mother and that they are connected to her and NEED to have contact especially as they work through their understanding of who they are and where they have been. We firmly believe this is true for all of them and we want them to grow up knowing that we acknowledge and recognize not only the good things about adoption but also the range of feelings and conflict and pain and trauma that adoption also brings.

One of the main reasons we take this trip East each summer is to give the children a chance to visit with their family members (birth) and to continue to help them "integrate" the many parts of their life story. Our two oldest have a general "out of sight, out of mind" tendency and until this past year Corazon would immediately "forget" everyone's name no matter how long she had known them. The trips to Massachusetts help her "remember" and also allow her to gain perspective and revisit some old experiences from a healthier place so she can let go of so much of the "junk" that clutters her perspective of herself. Tortuga has a poor memory to begin with and his perceptions of reality (good and bad) often work against his being grounded in reality. It can get pretty bad because he firmly believes that if he thinks something it must be true and we have to work hard with him to help him sift through what we call the "stories" in his head. Returning allows him to articulate his thoughts and perceptions so that he may work through some of his stuff. Without a doubt being back here brings back old feelings and memories that are both positive and negative so we anticipate that it may be difficult and painful (for all of us) and we prepare as best we can for that. We also strongly believe it is exactly what they need as they continue this process of healing from their PTSD and attaching to us in a healthy way.

As we approached Boston this summer I noticed a visible change in each of the older kids. Corazon's anxiety increased visibly and she got more and more clingy with me. When I tried asking her what was going on, what she was thinking or feeling, etc. I was met with a blank stare and a muttered "nothing." I started talking to her about what I thought might be going on and was normal. She finally opened up a little to say she got a "funny feeling" in her stomach like excitement and happiness but also like she feels at a gymnastics competition. She couldn't put any other thoughts or explanations to the feelings she was experiencing but it reminded me of how much our bodies can hold memory even if we have no conscious recollection of the memory. We have started each morning with tapping and rubbing about feelings and her being a "good kid" because I think her strongest feelings are those of being "bad" and "unloveable" which she used to articulate as a four and five year old but doesn't consciously recall these days. The tapping and rubbing are helping her tremendously and have kept her from getting too dysregulated thus far. We will visit with her mother, brother, and sister (plus niece and nephew) AND most importantly her aunt, who I think was the strongest attachment figure she had as a younger child. I think this is the person she misses and the one who she feels the most abandoned by. For the first time ever Corazon has come up with questions she has for her family (she tends to pretend she has no interest) and she has expressed a desire to see her 15 year old brother who lives in an RTC.

Tortuga is more challenging and complex. He has romantized all of his experiences in Boston and with his birth mother. In his mind she was the best at everything, gave him everything he wanted, cooked the most amazing meals, played with him all the time, and each fun experience he has with us is not quite as good as the SAME fun experience with her. While these are natural coping strategies for him and stem from the love and attachment he has for her they really complicate his life. These feelings don't allow him to fully engage in the life he has now and he is always comparing it to the romantized one and it falls short. We are working on that in order to help him separate fact from fiction but more importantly so he can give himself permission to love us and not feel like he is betraying her and his love for her in some way. We are working on that. What is worse is that when we do see her he is confronted with a reality that is hard. She doesn't usually look well and he is starting to see some of her challenges which he cannot reconcile yet with the way he wants to think of her. This usually brings us all kinds of feelings (and behaviors) so this year we have been trying to name these ahead of time as the opportunity comes up. So we will see his mother early next week and go from there. For Pollito this is more complicated and I think I have to write about that separately because he is in a very different place from Tortuga. Pollito also has to deal with Tortuga's overt attempts to influence his thinking about their adoption in ways that Pollito isn't ready to do or doesn't feel. I will have to come back to that later.

Travelling East

2010-06-25T23:25:00.001-05:00

Our travels have taken us to Virginia, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York and finally Massachusetts. The older kids plotted out the first part of our journey so we ended up in the following places:

The kids loved each and every one of these places while C. and I just hung back and watched in awe as they took in these historic places. (We were thrilled that time prevented us from including Mount Vernon on this trip.) :). Tortuga and Corazon captivated the tour guide's attention at Monticello with their questions about Jefferson and he almost fell over when Corazon asked to see the wine dumbwaiter. Their favorite part: his library because "he was a book lover too." Their favorite souvenir was a pencil inscribed with his famous quote "I cannot live without books." Milagro's favorite was the Liberty Bell but she was very distressed that it had a crack. She wanted to see the liberty bell "without a crack" and thus far she has created a highly embellished story of how the bell got it's crack and how much trouble those people who cracked it should be in! Pollito liked Independence Hall (as did the older kids) because he thought the building was "cool" and the older kids were in awe because C.'s 7th great grandfather was a signer of the Declaration of Independence so they feel a special connection to anything related to that. The statue of liberty made the greatest impression on all of us. I was the only one who had been there before but it is still an awesome sight. Walking the hundreds of stairs up and down however was not awesome! We had a glorious day so we took in Ellis Island as well and I swear you can still feel the spirit of the many souls who passed through those halls. The kids loved the movie at Ellis Island and are now begging to study immigration for our Social Studies work this summer! I think it is official that my kids are geeks!

We arrived in MA and headed to Rockport/Gloucester where we have been for the past week. Milagro's highpoint so far has been riding in a purple smartcar. She is obsessed with smart cars and a visit from the minister who baptized them last summer brought the chance for a ride right to our doorstep. It was a brief event just down the street since fitting her carseat wasn't an option (one reason we aren't getting one anytime soon!) For the most part, RAD and ODD behaviors have been "under control" with the exception of one really lousy day with Tortuga. He got physically aggessive with me, for what appeared to be an inconsequential redirection and I almost had to restrain him. We actually were able to work through it together and he calmed down enough that we could move through it. We ended up having a wonderful conversation (once he was completely regulated) about how his anger affects other people and how his lack of trust makes it hard for everyone in the family including himself. He missed out on one beach trip but otherwise has been able to join the family for lots of relaxing time in the sun. We are excited to be spending time in Boston seeing so many friends and family for the next couple of weeks. I think that being back in our old house will bring up some good and bad memories for all of them but especially the older kids. We have begun talking about how our bodies hold memory even if we don't actually

"remember" particular events and that is giving the older kids some language to process some of what they might feel over the next few weeks especially as we reconnect with birth families and previous foster families.

Birthday

2010-06-13T23:15:00.001-05:00

Birt

It has been a busy week as we prepare to travel East so I haven't had time to write. We started by celebrating my birthday and then doing a mad dash to get the house ready and everything packed for our time away from home. The days leading up to my birthday were really nice ones thanks to C. She started the celebration early and we even got a babysitter and went out to dinner to a new restaurant just the two of us which is an all-too-rare occurrence. Of course, starting the day before my actual birthday the two older kids were pretty challenging. It is just too hard for them to see someone else be the "center" of attention and they did their best to draw attention to themselves. Tortuga "forgot" all his routines, tattled constantly on the other kids for all kinds of real and imagined offenses, and pretty much worked hard to make everyone else miserable. Corazon just couldn't stay regulated. She couldn't (or wouldn't) even try and whined, pouted, and cried her way through the two days. They didn't manage to put too much of a damper in the day and were able to regroup long enough for us to do dinner, cake, and gifts.

The kids' gifts were quite lovely and very telling. Milagro had decided that she wanted to get me a heart necklace because she "loves me so much." I have a heart necklace (actually about a half dozen because Corazon has given them to me over the years) and C. was able to steer her toward buying me a cross (I had lost mine which I have worn for more than 20 years). She looks at the cross as touches it every chance she gets and say "I am soooo happy mom because I love you sooooo much." It is about the sweetest thing! Pollito and I "do coffee" two or three times each week so he had that on his mind and got me a coffee mug and coffee beans (all his own idea). He was so excited to give them to me and held on to the secret for two whole days, which for him is an absolute miracle. Corazon made me a necklace, another heart :-) , and got me a little "Br**kstone desk fan because I am "always hot" :-(. She is my hypervigilant child and I am her obsession. She notices everything I say, do, like, etc. as long as it isn't any direct request or instruction to her. Tortuga got me candy. Quite a bit of candy and gum. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but do like gum but I know that in his mind candy is about the greatest gift ever so I took it in the spirit in which it was offered.

I have so much else I want to write about but no time. Maybe I will be able to find a window as we hit the road...

By the way, that is my birthday cake!

One week and 250+ hugs later

2010-06-03T23:09:00.002-05:00

One week and 250+ hugs later...

My daughters have each gotten manicures and pedicures from me, foot rubs (really giggle sessions) and hand massages. We discovered that vanilla-scented lotion is "better than eating ice cream!" and we baked banana bread to see us through several weekend breakfasts.

Corazon and I have played countless games of Scr*bble and Tr*uble, and Block*s, read for an hour from the same book while sitting side-by-side, had "coffee" while designing our own family logo, talked about puberty, periods, and body hair while cleaning a closet, and sat outside to watch a storm roll in.

Milagro and I played with her hand puppets, played with her baby dolls (I was the "babysitter"), went on a hunt for "Y sticks," and had a "screaming contest" to see who had the loudest, longest, softest and scariest yells. I lost each one of those contests but it was rigged since she was the judge. We also took a "pretend" nap on the couch, read "Please, Baby, Please" more than 20 times, and "cooked" dinner together.

My sons have each gotten manicures and pedicures and hand massages from me. They got the privilege of giving ME foot rubs (I have my lines!!!!!) We learned to play Wii bowling together.

Pollito and I jumped on the trampoline while singing at the top of our lungs, went grocery shopping "just ourselves," had breakfast together (just the two of us) and took pictures of each other making funny faces. I told him his birth, gotcha and adoption stories 7 or 8 times (twice during our grocery store run), and we built a new home for all his dinosaurs with legos (waaaaay longer than a 30 minute activity). We have cuddled on the couch, fed each other m&ms, and made up a new lullaby just for him.

Tortuga and I sat back to back for 10-15 minutes and talked about something every. single. day. this past week. He brushed my hair and gave me a foot massage while I sang him ALL of the baby's lullabies that he could remember. I tucked him in one night and stayed until he fell asleep. We played Bl*ckus, looked through the beginning of his lifebook and started a new scrapbook for 2010, and made "fancy" paper airplanes then had a contest to see whose flew higher, longer and "better." He showed me 3 new magic tricks that he made up and I pretended not to know how they worked so he could explain them to me and he taught me how to "play" his guitar.

One week and 250+ hugs later...

I have counted the times this week that Milagro said "Excuse me mom, can you hold me?" and "I need you to hold me NOW!!!!" plus the times she threw her head up and kicked and screamed because she didn't, couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't get whatever she wanted/needed. This helped me gain a new appreciation for how hard negotiating life's realities can be for a "normal" child and wonder at how many times my older children felt and feel this way but haven't known how to ask or expected to get what they needed. I am greatly aware of how easy it is to hug, hold, and kiss my toddler and tell her all the reasons I love her. I am aware of how much I want to always feel this way about her. I thank the Creator for bringing her into my life to remind me how one's childhood should be and how much love and affection we all really need/want.

I have watched Pollito's eyes light up when I "sneak in" to wake him before everyone else is up even though he probably could have used the sleep. I have taken "time outs" with him when he wasn't playing nicely with his sister and used that as an opportunity to hear him tell me how hard it is to be nice when he doesn't want to be. (I could totally relate!) I am more aware of how often I don't take the opportunity to hug, hold, and tell him all the reasons I love him. I thank the Creator for bringing him into my life to remind me how important a parent's response and attitude is in making the worst feelings and consequences seem not so bad when there's someone there to help you through them.

I have witnessed Corazon's body totally melt into me as she spontaneously said "Mom I love you so much" and been able to see that love in her eyes. I am reminded that this was not always so. I am aware of how quickly my little girl is growing up and how fast time really has flown even though years with her have sometimes felt like hell. I am more aware of how often I don't take the opportunity to hug, hold, and tell her all the reasons I love her and all that makes her special. I am more mindful to thank her for all the things she does to help me and all the things that she teaches me about how to bet a better mom to her. I thank the Creator for bringing her into my life to remind me how important it is to parent in a purposeful manner and to notice not only what she tells me but what she doesn't say that is often so much more meaningful.

I have witnessed Tortuga's desperate need to be 2, 3, and 4 years old again and my equally desperate fight to make him grow up. I have seen him most at ease when he is playing with Milagro and her "baby" toys and truly realized that no one played with him like that. I have heard him say "I love you" and "that was so much fun, mom" with a genuine joy that hasn't been here very long. It feels like I am witnessing a caterpillar emerge from a cocoon and I am fighting with every ounce of my being to not rush that process along. I am finally letting myself get really angry for what he has missed out on and (if I am honest) for being the one who has to somehow rectify that. I am more aware of how often I don't take the opportunity to hug, hold, and tell him all the reasons I love him because I am often so caught up in the things that make me not like him very much. I am aware of how much easier it is to remember to hug him if I just "pick a tick" for the day and use that as the reason to give him a hug. I thank the Creator for bringing him into my life to remind me how important it is to show love to our children especially when they are being their most unlovable, unlikable selves.

One week and 250+ hugs later...

We are a "huggy" family to begin with but now we are aware of how much we want and need those hugs. Don't misunderstand and think this was a better week than most others. It wasn't. In some ways it was much worse but I don't know how to tackle that just yet. It has been a hard week. We have had all the usual ups and downs--fun moments, good laughs, family meals, walks, moments of discovery, quiet moments, fights, meltdowns, tantrums, defiance, rudeness, meanness, and wishes for the day to end! One thing that is different is that I have a new sense of deliberateness to how I want my children to feel every day as they interact with me no matter how lousy their behavior, attitude, or day has been. I am also more aware that I can do this even if sometimes it's the farthest thing from my mind and I have to "fake it" to get through it.

Thank you Christine. =D> You are amazing. ^:)^

If it weren't for these moments....

2010-05-31T22:32:00.003-05:00

Life is challenging right now but to be expected. Corazon hasn't consistently stayed regulated over the past few days suggesting she is keeping some "secret" that I haven't uncovered. She usually has a very hard time these days when she gets away with something she isn't supposed to do and I don't guess what it is. Where are those mind-reading abilities when I really need them. We tried to go swimming with all the kids yesterday but it really felt like I was monitoring the penalty box at an ice hockey game. I finally pulled her out because she was basically stalking strangers. Male strangers. I don't have time to write more about that one but that is becoming my current concern with her. In her good moments she is actually so much more like a "normal" kid but we have some humps to overcome. We did have a great "girls' night out" on Saturday. C. & I took Corazon and Milagro to an Indigo Girls concert which Corazon missed last year because of this behavior. I was so happy she didn't miss it this year. We were out well past midnight with no behavior or attitude problems. Of course, we did get payback from the boys...

Tortuga was mad that she got to go out and he didn't. On top of his generally difficult reentry from his time with his grandparents it continues to be a difficult time. He is still "showering" me with payback.. e.g. pee in the wrong places. He is "forgetting" his routines. Expectations have gone out the window. New tics have shown up since the earache so he moves like Frank*nstein but "nothing's wrong." He is bullying the other kids, being rude, telling them what to do, tattling on them even when he isn't around them but he just "thinks" they might be doing something "wrong." He is impatient, rude, and downright mean to me these days. I am sure I did something wrong. The other day he decided he was no longer going to say "goodnight" to me. Ok.

Pollito seems to be doing better. He is still engaging in some challenging copycat behavior but most of the time it seems pretty normal for a five year old. We had some one-on-one time today because he wanted to go grocery shopping with me. He is beginning to ask questions about his birth story and adoption. While we have told the stories many times they haven't really seemed to register until recently. So we walked around the supermarket with me telling the stories over and over again and he seemed to get more of it today. I have to put more effort into getting his lifebook finished this summer. He is ready for it now.

Milagro is her usual happy self. Last night she got mad at me because she wanted me to read her a book that she knows by heart (the 6th or 7th book of the night) and I told her she should read it to herself. She plopped herself right next to me and pulled the book onto her lap and said "but I CAN'T READ!" Then she opened it up and flipped through the pages saying "blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah. Blah, blah. .... blah. blah. Blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah. Blah......." Then she said "See! I can't read!!!!" What a stinker! Normally she can recite the whole story by memory but I guess she had a point to prove.

I am participating in Christine's Attachment Challenge. It has been challenging with some of the kids and easier with the others. Tortuga and I already have a "regular" routine of doing attachment building activities but this has helped me stay more focused and "fresh" and while I am not feeling the love from him right now I know it is a good thing. The little ones have been easy but the two older ones are in fine form (not a good thing) so it makes getting to ten hugs each day a bit more challenging. Today I decided to hug Tortuga every time he made a face at me, was rude, impatient, or just plain mean. I got 16 hugs in!!!!! Of course, a part of me felt like I was reinforcing negative behavior but the confused look on his face was amusing. :P

This is part of the healing too...

2010-05-25T17:21:00.000-05:00

We have had lots of fun over the past two and a half weeks. We took a trip to the beach then Tortuga went camping with his grandpa in PA while the rest of us went to a waterpark. Upon our return we had a great visit with some dear friends from MA and got to meet the newest member of the family who is all of 6 months old (baby HEAVEN!) They have all had a grand time and of course, we all know what happens to some of our children when things go "too" well...

I woke up to a very dysregulated Corazon. She has been on the edge for the last few days but held it together until this morning. She had a trumpet lesson scheduled and decided it would be fun to jam her mouthpiece into the trumpet. So now it is stuck and will likely need to go to the repair shop. This was only the beginning. She forgot how to brush her teeth, get dressed, shower, deodorant ("what is that?" she asked as I reminded her to put it on), drink from a glass, eat at the table, etc. Not to be outdone the boys managed to keep up nicely. Even though I took Pollito to the bathroom twice during the night he managed to pee all over himself and his bed. Then he screamed the whole time he was showering. Breakfast went right to the floor along with his milk. He then went outside to play (I needed a break) and he managed to "break" Milagro's tricycle. I ~~dragged him kicking and screaming~~ gently put him down for his nap (at 11 a.m.!) The best part was Tortuga.

Apparently last night he had an ear ache. It was so "bad" that he couldn't get out of bed to use the bathroom. Instead he screamed and screamed until he woke up the entire household saying he had to pee. When I went in he couldn't get out of bed because his ear hurt and wanted me to help him pee! Ummm... No. There were no tears and no real indicators that he had done more than sleep on his ear but he wouldn't let me touch him to check because "everything" hurt especially his ear. All this was said in signs (pointing to wrong ear and making small circles with his finger while grimacing.) I asked what he wanted me to do to help him pee and suggested diapers. He screamed at me so I left. It didn't end there. This morning his room was flooded. I am not kidding. Of course, it was my fault for not helping him use the bathroom. Now he is mad at me but like a good mom I have tucked him into bed with a little bit of ibuprofen and ben*dryl until he feels better.

He came home...

2010-05-23T23:56:00.003-05:00

He came home a different kid! Tortuga got off the plane and genuinely hugged every single one of his siblings! He was so happy to see us that he couldn't stop telling us that he missed us or hugging us! He even brought us presents. Each of us got candy that his grandma let him buy. What's the big deal? He THOUGHT about us. He WANTED to bring gifts. He chose candy that was absolutely PERFECT for EACH person-- orange Tic Tacs for C., sour gummy worms for Milagro, cute little "cans of bugs" for Corazon and Pollito and for me ... a HUGE box of "red" St*rbursts because "I know you don't eat much candy but I couldn't remember what kind of gum you like to chew and I didn't want to get the wrong one so I remembered that when you buy us St*rbursts and we offer you some you only want the pink or red ones...."!!!! Amazing. Who would have thought he was actually paying attention to our likes and dislikes?

Everyone was happy to see one another. Tortuga has a wonderful time camping with his grandpa and grand uncle and then hanging out with grandma for a couple of days. Surprisingly, even though the rest of the kids shared their stories of time at the water park we haven't seen any signs of anger or jealousy from Tortuga. The reports we got from the grandparents was that he was excellent (we kinda expected good behavior) and that he talked about how much he missed us and that he was dilligent about doing his homeschool work. So far he has been home 4 days and we are seeing a more mature, more appreciative and more caring child. I will probably jinx all this by saying that this trip was a "success" and a win for all of us.

The rest of us had a grand time at the waterpark. Not usually my kind of thing but I genuinely enjoyed myself just watching the kids have so much fun and was truly touched by how many times they remembered their absent brother. I let them pick one small souvenir for themselves and they insisted on one for him that was identical to their but way bigger than theirs "so he would know we missed him." Oh how I love these kids!

Getting a little space.

2010-05-14T13:31:00.000-05:00

When I went off in March to a K*ther*ne Leslie workshop Tortuga has a visceral response to my leaving him. It was the first time he seemed genuinely fazed by being away from me. Since that day we noticed he was more affectionate without prompting. At night when I tuck the kids in I have a different "ritual" with each kid. With Corazon I usually say something like "I love you more than beans and rice" and she says "I love you to the moon and back." Both of these are from favorite bedtime books of ours. With Tortuga just wrestling him into bed and keeping him there has always had its own challenges so in our case I will usually say "Good night" and wait until he says "good night" back. Then I say "Duerme con los angelitos" (Sleep with the angels) and "dulces suenos" (sweet dreams) to which he replies "you too." Then I say "I love you." He usually doesn't respond unless it is to say "I love you too and tomorrow can I get ______." I stopped saying the "I love you" part back when we started this new intensive work with him and replaced it with "you did really well today and should be proud of yourself" or "hopefully tomorrow you will have a better day." I wanted to take the "I love you" pressure off of him and honestly he didn't seem to notice. Something quite interesting happened when I got back from that workshop. That very first night he said "I am so happy you are back mom I can't stand it." and as we said goodnight he said "I love you." No prompting or anything. Well ever since then he has said "I love you" as we say goodnight. He has only had 1 or 2 nights in the last 2 months when he hasn't done it and on both occasions it was because he was really mad about something. My response has been to say that I love him too and that I hope his anger lets him sleep soundly. I have let him initiate it each time at night and that seems to work for him.

Since that time we had also decided that we needed to provide more opportunities for him to be away from us (me especially) and the family if possible so that he might learn to recognize and appreciate what he has when we aren't there. So, in the last several months we have increased our "family time" activities that he participates in AND when he behaves in highly inappropriate ways we create "family time" activities that he misses out on. That means we have used a babysitter a few more times and each time he has been quick to tell me how much he missed me. Even when I go on errands and don't take him he bombards C. with questions about where I am and when I am returning. He also tells me that I was gone "a long time" even when I was back in little more than an hour. I think all of these things are signs of growing attachment. To be honest we are also doing this to give the other kids a greater sense of "normalcy" because it is clear that they are so much more relaxed when he isn't around. Even Pollito is a different child. We notice that he has picked up many of Tortuga's (mis)behaviors and attention-getting strategies so I have had to step up the therapeutic parenting with him.

Last weekend we took that mini-vacation to the beach because we wanted everyone to participate in a fun family activity before we did a family activity without Tortuga. C.'s work had presented an opportunity for us to spend a few days at an indoor water park. We wanted to do it but knew it would be too much for Tortuga (lots of high stimulus activities, lots of other kids to play with, me supervising all 4 kids, etc.) so we had declined. In the meantime we had spoken with C.'s dad about possible taking Tortuga camping for a few days as an 11th birthday present if we could work out the logistics. Come to find out the timing for the camping trip worked out so that we could accept that offer to go to the water park! So yesterday, we put Tortuga on a plane to Pennsylvania to visit with his grandparents and go camping and this weekend we head off to the waterpark!

We didn't tell Tortuga until the night before he left and his response was absolutely appropriate. His initial excitement was tempered by fear when he realized he would be flying alone. He is generally afraid of almost everything so flying is no exception. After I talked him through the help he would get and how the flight attendants would help him he seemed better. (He also had to recount a dozen or so scenarios on how the plane could go down and crash...) Then he said "but mom, I don't think I can stand to be away from you!" and he started to cry. I went over and put my hands on his shoulder and told him I would miss him too but that he was going to have a whole lot of fun. He got off ok with only a few tears and should be off camping as I write this.

I have to admit that it has been so nice for all of us to have a little space from him and hopefully it will help him too.

Fun Family Time

2010-05-13T07:18:00.001-05:00

This past weekend we got a chance to go on a short vacation together. C. was working and invited us all to come along so we could have a chance to play. I was a little worried about managing all 4 kids by myself for the bulk of the day especially given how unpredictable the two oldest can be away from home. Overall, the kids did really well. We spent one whole afternoon frolicking in the swimming!

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Even Tortuga managed to hold it together for much of the time. We had one difficult day when he had trouble listening and doing what was expected but otherwise he did ok. He still struggles mightily with getting overexcited which leads to loss of control, giddiness, excessive chatter, and ultimately fly off the handle behavior and anger. He had to sit out quite a few times on the first day but the other 3 days were pretty good. Of course, as soon as we returned the payback began and he ended up spending the bulk of the first day "resting" in his room.

We spent two full days at the beach and they had such a great time. I couldn’t even get them to stop playing long enough to eat!

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We bribed them off the beach with the promise of a trip to “Rain F*rest C*fe” which is one of their favorite places. Lots of memories since it is the first place we took each of the older kids to eat before they moved into our homes. They had a wonderful time wandering around the near empty restaurant which gave C. & I a chance to visit with one of her friends and colleagues.

The best part of our trip was that it became clear that there’s no going back for Milagro in her potty training! Two days after she announced that she “really should wear panties" she asked to wear a pair and has had one “accident” but otherwise seems perfectly ready for no daytime diapers! I do believe she has been the easiest (and earliest) of the four to potty train!

Maybe he really is a dog....

2010-05-11T08:22:00.014-05:00

Our oldest son has some errrr....qualities that... uhmmmmm.... remind me of a dog.

He growls.

Literally.

Sometimes it is a low rumble in the back of his throat and other times it is a bare-teeth, snarling, growl. One warns he is getting mad, the other signals he is over the top. It can happen at the dinner table, in the car, while playing outside at the park, or just about anywhere else. I have been ignoring it lately because we have seen less of this behavior recently. He has reduced his growling and started licking my hand (when I am not watching), rolling over and playing dead (literally), and begging with his hands tucked up in front of his chest as he asks for something he isn't going to get. When I call attention to this he plays dumb and pretends he has no idea what I am talking about.

Does he have other canine qualities? Well, he used to pee on things in his room as if marking his territory, especially if they were new. When that stopped and he learned to write he started marking everything he perceived as belonging to him. Sometimes he writes his name but other times it is just his initials. He does it on his clothes, his furniture, his toys, his crayons (each individual one), his school supplies, notebooks, books, etc. He recently tried to do this on the bathroom toilet (not telling you with what!). He even does it in his food. I used to think he really like his name but recently he asked to change it to Melvin... so I don't think that's it.

Today he bit a hole in his weighted blanket. A big hole and all the stuff inside is now all over his room. When I asked him why he bit his blanket he said he was mad about having to sleep in his bed. When I asked him why he was mad about that he said he preferred sleeping on the floor in his sleeping bag like he had in our hotel room this weekend. I need to stop him before he starts chasing the cats around the house. Anyone know of a good obedience school that will take him?