Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Where to go...

I think I have hit that point where I need to reassess whether or not to continue with this blog. I don't want to stop but I also don't know how to continue. I have so much I want to write about and so much I feel I cannot write about. Go private? New (more anonymous) blog? For what purpose?

The older kids have gotten to a point in there healing where the issues are more subtle and more serious (if that makes sense.) Serious because of possible repercussions for the present and their future. The two younger kids are growing and changing too. Pollito's issues are clearer now-learning, developmental and emotional. Milagro is at a point where she is seeing and processing so much of how she is different from her siblings. She sees their issues and challenges and wants to help but doesn't understand the "whys" behind their behaviors.

RAD, ODD and PTSD are still very present in our lives but they are no longer the seemingly insurmountable obstacles they once were. I see the progress and the backward steps every day. Corazon deserves her own post but for now I will say that for anyone who doubts that healing from the brink of h*ll is impossible she is a testament to what is possible AND how long and hard the journey will be. That child was H.A.R.D. in all the horrible and painful and mind-numbing ways that RAD is hard. Pull out that checklist most parents with RAD kids have seen and referred to and remember that she was pretty much ALL of it at 4 and a half. And yet, at 12 she has healed so much that I think it is harder than ever to see and deal with those areas where she still struggles. I have to continuously stop myself from tearing my hair out when she pulls out some of those old and familiar behaviors. There is hope. I have always had it, always struggled to hang on to it, and almost lost it so many times.

Tortuga still has so many issues. Many that I doubt will ever truly disappear. Many that have disappeared or subsided. He is easier to live with and yet still hard to like. I love him deeply and he causes me great sorrow--for him and for us--but there are moments of joy too. He will probably always be "hard" but that doesn't have to be a bad thing all the time. It is what it is and we make strides as we can. But his scars are deep and they don't fade in 6 years. He takes and takes and takes and takes. He still doesn't know how to give but I do believe he has a desire to give. It just gets trumped by his desire (and perhaps need) to take. The other children are older now so they can "defend" themselves against him a bit better and there are even moments when they seem to "enjoy" him. I haven't been able to say that often over the past 6 years. That is how we measure progress. I remind myself that it IS progress and we celebrate it every chance we get.

I have so many "updates" I have started to write (and never finished) since my last post. Happy updates mostly about dance recitals, dance company tryouts, birthday treats (for me), swim lessons and swim team successes, celebrating my mom's 80th birthday with no major mishaps and acting out by eldest, strengthening bonds between C. and Corazon (major milestone), homeschool graduation for the Kindergartener (now 1st grader), and so much more. I might or might not get to them.


Hedged in Beauty said...

I want to encourage you... I just don't know what to say.

I can relate to the to-blog or not-to-blog question.

When I think of parents who are out there living my parallel universe who have stumbled across my blog and contacted me privately telling me how my shared experiences has made them feel less alone, I really want to keep blogging.

Personally... because of my equally strong needs to share and have privacy... I fluctuate between openly posting and hiding posts. There is a part of me that wonders once it goes out there in cyberland... can it ever really be retrieved???

I do blog anonymously... but people who know me... whose kids are young... and don't really comprehend any need the anonymous factor occasionally will put key personal identifying features of me in their own blog.

I feel need to connect... There is I feel need for privacy...
I feel a need to share openly with people who don't know me, whom I don't yet know, who might only find me by stumbling across my blog.

As moms, we need to protect our kids and ourselves...

As moms who parent kids who have a specific set of special needs, we have a need to connect with others of whom we can extend strength to and receive hope from.

If you figure out how to have it all... please let me know.

If you go private... please keep me in the loop!

Dia por Dia said...

Thank you Hedged in Beauty. I am kind of in the same boat and I am gonna keep working to figure it all out in a way that makes sense for me. For now...I will write as I can..

Karrie42 said...

I hope you continue but I understand if you need to stop. Thank you so much for all you have shared already. We are a two-mom family looking forward to adoption in the near future and have learned SO much from your blog. It's great to know we will not be alone out there. You have a beautiful family. It's been a privilege to see everyone grow over the years.

Dia por Dia said...

Thank you Karrie42 for your kind words. I do want to continue but it becomes so challenging when I feel like I have to censor for the sake of the kids' privacy as they get older yet this part of the healing journey is so critical and so important for me to document and might even help others. Please email me if I can be helpful on your adoption journey. Despite everything there is no question I would do it all again (change some things obviously) in a heartbeat. I am always helpful to be a resource!

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