Friday, July 26, 2019

July 2019 Update

It's been almost two years and even though I write daily (in my head) this space if challenging to return to. Our lives have changed so much and so little over the last couple of years but I suppose that is how things are supposed to be. C and I have celebrated 22 years of friendship, 20 in a committed relationship and 12 as a legally married couple. Our relationship is as strong as it has ever been and for that I am eternally grateful. There is no one else in this world that I would prefer to go through life with. The children have grown steadily and we continue to support and love them as best we know how. This looks different for each one, which I presume is also how it is supposed to be.

Tortuga turned 20 this Spring and is still in the military and he has been in Japan for well over a year. We really do not hear from him often and when we do, it is because he needs/wants something. If I am honest, I recognize that it has always been this way. I do believe he loves me in whatever way he is capable of loving but he does not yet understand what it means to be connected to someone or in relationship with someone. When he was living at home it was possible to see glimpses of this and certainly many moments of genuine caring and concern. Yet his default is self interest, self absorption and living in the moment. Whether he is feeling silly, happy, angry, frustrated, or whatever else in the moment, there is room for only that. He has always been an "out of sight, out of mind" type of person and that is how he is with us now. He doesn't respond to texts which I diligently send once or twice a week letting him know we are thinking of him and wishing him well. He has never replied so I no longer even hint that a response would be nice. I remind him that I love him, that we hope all is well in his world, that he has a good weekend, that work is going well, that he is learning and growing, or other such reminders that he is known and cared about.

When he does text or call it is at an ungodly hour (3 or 4 am) even though he knows the time difference between us. I think he calls when he is bored and has nothing to do and his thoughts catch up with him. I have set appropriate time limits and I will not answer the phone if he calls outside that hour. I should clarify to add that he would call at 3 or 4 am to "demand" that we send him something, or help him fix his computer/phone/video game, or check his bank account because he couldn't get cash or some other important "need." I finally put a stop to that and lo and behold, when he needs something he does manage to call at appropriate hours. I do follow him on Snapchat which is both a blessing and a curse. I am too old for much of the nonsense but if it weren't for that I wouldn't necessarily know that he was still alive. Mostly, I am walking a delicate balance between letting him know we are here, support his development of independence and self-sufficiency, and not take any of his lack of engagement with us personally. When all is said and done we only had 8 years or so to teach him what it means to be part of a family and we tried to do that as we navigated all the other issues and challenges he had to learn to live with. We shall see where that road leads.

Corazon graduated high school this Spring and turned 19 recently and she presents challenges of her own. She is a kind, caring, helpful, generous and hard-working young woman (when she wants to be.) Yet, she is also TERRIFIED of growing up so we have seen tremendous regression from her over the past 12-18 months. Technically, she should have finished high school a year ago but she asked us to extend her homeschooling because she didn't feel ready. We had started college tours the summer before her junior year and it was clear that overwhelmed and terrified her. At the time she was also trying to give herself more time to grow as a diver. That was almost 2 years ago. Since we homeschool it wasn't too difficult to agree to her request plus we realized she was 17 chronologically but really more like a 13 year old emotionally. I don't know if it was a mistake or not to give her the extra time but really we knew how young she was socially and hoped the extra time would help her build some some confidence and problem-solving skills. We also had begun to recognize the severity of her food addiction/sugar addition. Her eating patterns/habits which included stealing food (at home and wherever else we were) and sneaking food every chance she had had gotten terribly out of hand. Her behavior when she was not consuming larger amounts of sugar was also very erratic. We started talking to her about what we saw in her behaviors the challenges of food addiction while acknowledging that she had to be the one to recognize when she was ready to ask for help.

Pretty much, nothing much changed over those two years. She continued to sneak/steal food, refused help, steals money to pay for takeout food whenever she was at work. She started taking community college classes through a homeschool program and quickly found ways to sneak/steal food and even skipped classes to indulge in activities that fed her addictions. After hitting a new low which included my withdrawing her mid-semester from her community college classes and her getting busted by a work colleague/friend for stealing his credit card to order takeout on several occasions, she had to quit her job. Her behavior continued to be one of denial that she had a problem and she turned her anger at herself towards us. We have had a rough 6 months or so and I finally decided to "force" her back into some kind of therapy. Therapy has ALWAYS been a disaster/mistake that has cost us time, money and even progress. She has always found a way to manipulate, triangulate, and otherwise not deal with whatever needed addressing. I found a DBT therapist and had her sign up for a DBT group. I am also requiring her to pay for it herself which is dwindling her saving quickly. I think the DBT might be helping her a little but we've only been on this road for 4-5 months so it's hard to tell. She still seems happy to remain "a kid" and has no plans to change even if she must follow our rules and expectations at home. I don't get that sense that she is terribly happy or unhappy. She just is. Other people mostly see the terrific person she can be so they don't really understand the painful path we are on. I don't expect them too. Never have.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

September 2017

We had a fabulous summer! The 5 of us left TX mid June and took a leisurely road trip back to MA. We hadn't done this trip in 3 years because traveling with Tortuga was just too hard. He wasn't the source of all the challenges but he was the most difficult. We saw so many friends along the way including some former bloggers (Lisa @ Grateful House) and member of the BETA moms' gathering in Orlando. We drove to Washington DC and NYC where we spent time with friends and simply sight-seeing. We arrived in MA just before the 4th of July and stayed through the second week of August. We had missed so much of our community in MA. I don't miss the crowds, traffic, and even parts of the culture but I do miss the progressiveness of the politics and of course our family/friends.

Much of our time was spent at the beach and visiting with people. We realized there were many people and places that Milagro simply didn't remember (she was 6 years old the last time we were home) so we had to revisit some places to try and bring back some memories. The kids all rekindled old friendships and spend a good deal of time simply enjoying being away from home and being themselves. We also spent a bit of time cleaning and clearing things out of our MA home as we prepare for some maintenance, painting and potentially a new tenant.

Milagro continues to be an easy kid (hopefully I won't jinx this for the teen years.) She is obsessed with marine biology (since she was 3), Star Wars (would win most trivia contests) and Wonder Woman. She has finally decided she will not be marrying an Orca ("inter-species relationships can be too difficult") but will still live near them (preferably on a houseboat) and study them. She loves to read, sword/lightsaber fight, make clay art, swim, write stories, learning and spend time with her family. She no longer "misses" Tortuga and has intellectualized his distance from us by noting that she doesn't like who he has become anyone. To her, he will always be the "nice" brother with issues who became a "jerk" when he left home. She used to pine for him and cry about missing him but that hasn't happened since he left for boot camp.

Pollito did well this summer and had a great time. He still has his ODD to battle and we still get frustrated that he doesn't communicate in the ways we would like him to. We have concerns about depression or mood disorder with him but it is hard to tell what is simple frustration with his learning disabilities, growing pains and just plain teen stuff. We know it is more that the teen stuff because we have him on a combination of supplements and vitamins that seem to make a difference when he doesn't take them.  He still has a hard time developing "passions" and "hobbies" for himself and usually he seems to choose things his siblings like. For example, he has been a Boy Scout for about a year in a troop that meets weekly and camps monthly. He goes to most meetings and pretty much all the camping trips. We started making him go to camping outings simply because we needed to get a great from his temper and his moods. He wasn't as violent as Tortuga but he would break and destroy things (his property only though) and say ugly/mean things.  Over the course of the year he claimed to enjoy himself but it didn't seem to make much difference if he missed it. However, that is also his personality. He punishes himself harder than anyone. In the year of being in BS he did not earn a single rank.  He has seen much success in swimming and got moved up to a more competitive group about 6 months after he joined the team. He swims daily and seems to enjoy it but again, he behaves as though he could take it or leave it even though we think he cares more than he lets on.

As for Corazon, she deserves several posts of her own which I can never seem to get to. She did well except for food stealing and sneaking. We know she has a food addiction and a sugar addition and her sport mediates it to some degree. However we are seeing her engage in more addictive behavior than we were willing to admit before.  I admit, I do not know exactly what to do here. Everything I know about addiction says that the more family tries to help and mediate, the harder it is for them to admit the problem and work to change it. I name it for her, she gets mad and we continue moving along. Other than that, she is firmly attached, signs of RAD are few and farther between and mostly she is a joy at 17 (yes, she turned 17 this summer!)

Friday, May 12, 2017

Marching along...

Our first Christmas without all the kids at home. Tortuga was at "boot camp."  It was hard to not be all together but we had prepared for that. I wrote him once or twice each week. We did not hear from Tortuga while he was away but didn't expect to unless something went terribly wrong. They said to assume "no news is good news" which we fully embraced. Our experience with Tortuga is that he seems to be a "one-note" type of person. He fully embraces one thing, activity, or experience and the rest just don't seem to matter. It's more than what we view as "out of sight, out of mind" thinking/behavior but it has the same effect. In June when he returned from his challenge program he referred to the adults from that program as his "family" now instead of us. Not surprisingly after a few months home, he had nothing but criticism and negative things to say about that experience. He had moved on and was fully immersed in his first job at a fast food place. It was the same with boot camp.

In February, our family drove to California for his graduation and while he seemed genuinely happy to see me, he could have cared less about C. and his siblings. He was really sick (flu and pneumonia) and disconnected. He doesn't generally transition well and this was no exception. He "marched" everywhere he went (restaurants, parking lots, hotel hallways, the beach! etc.), referred to us as ma'am and continued to use military language as if he had forgotten what things were called in the "civilian" world. Our original plan had been to spend the 10 days of his leave visiting family in Southern California and arranging for him to get to his next assignment also in California. Instead we came home to nurse everyone back to health because he managed to share the wealth of his illnesses with everyone except Pollito. The visit was fine. He slept ate and whenever he was out of earshot he bragged to the younger kids about all the guys he had beat up while at boot camp.  He also swore at the drop of a hat and ignored repeated requests to not use that language around us.  He had no desire or willingness to "code-switch" between his worlds and he had a newfound sense of his "manhood" as defined by his most recent experience.

Tortuga can be a caring and thoughtful person at times but mostly he is not. I believe he cares deeply but his own insecurities and fears often trump everything. At the challenge program he attended last winter/spring and at boot camp he was definitely exposed to some of the best/worst of his peer group. He picked up many negative behaviors and attitudes (cursing, objectification of females and homophobia among the most problematic for me.) He learned some good lessons about belonging to a group and having to deal with group consequences/ramifications and we hoped this would boost his self concept and sense of belonging to something that matters.

6 weeks later he graduated from infantry school and on his 18th birthday he set out for his training program where he will learn a trade for his service. He couldn't tell us how long that program would be but we anticipate at least a year.  He's been there about a month and seems to be doing fine. He calls almost daily but doesn't have much to say. I am guessing he is emulating the other young people he is with who have families and significant others to call because when he calls I can hear others around him also talking. He rarely shares much about what is happening for him except to say that he has too much free time because he is waiting to be picked up into his training strand. It appears to be normal that the wait and do various jobs until they are assigned a training class in their area of specialty. So far he doesn't seem to "remember" the names of anyone (even his roommates) and he is spending his money on music, apps, junk food and vending machine food. I am hopeful that this stage might pass as he gets into his training program and develops a better sense of how to manage his money and his time. He doesn't seem to miss anyone but me and has not inquired about how any of us are doing. Time will tell but I have a sense this will be part of his process of becoming an adult.

Monday, December 19, 2016

November 28, 2016

November 28th was the day Tortuga left for military training camp. He was 17 years and 8 months old. He had lived in our home for 10 years and 6 months. Yet, that is how much time we had. This all feels significant because 10 years feels too short a time to raise a child and teach him all the things a mother believes may be important for him to know before he goes out on his own. I have a long list of failed attempts to teach him some basic things such as how to wash dishes, do his own laundry, cook basic essentials, pump gas, order a meal at a restaurant, or even do some basic grocery shopping. (Forget about learning to drive!) Then there's the more important things such as managing his responsibilities, be able to apologize sincerely, advocate for himself without getting belligerent, fail without falling apart, and to exercise self control/self regulation. However much we modeled, we demonstrated, we practiced, it was ultimately his choice to learn it or not.  I have spent a good deal of time reflecting on this experience and for the most part I have few regrets. The ones I do have do not involve what we did or did not do with him. They are regrets about what we subjected the other children to with the things we put up with or tried to work through with and for Tortuga.  That is a topic best left for another day.

To say that Tortuga was ready to leave and that the rest of our family was equally ready would be an understatement. After returning from the 5 ½ month program he attended in early 2016, he could barely acknowledge his siblings' existence unless he needed something from them. Even then, he was mostly rude and unintelligible. (Mumbling returned after he'd been gone for that time.) He became a familiar stranger living in our midst and generally speaking, we all held our breath a little when he was in the house. For the most part everyone made the best of it and those last 6 months were as good as they could be. He had the choice to join the rest of family in every activity we engaged in and he refused pretty much everything but his high school graduation dinner, Thanksgiving dinner and his going away party.  He was absolutely hurtful to the other kids in an emotional way rather than a physical way. We had 2 major "bumps" while he was home but otherwise we put up with his moods and attitudes and ignored everything we possible would ignore. Milagro remained herself throughout the time he was home and was hurt the most by his behavior. She treated him with love, kindness, caring, thoughtfulness and greeted him joyfully regardless of how he behaved towards her.  One painful memory that stands out the most was Halloween. She asked him if he would join us for our traditional neighborhood Halloween party and he said he would. She was so happy about that. He called from work to say he wanted to work late instead. I told him it was his choice and he missed the festivities. When he got home the kids were cleaning up outside with C. When Milagro spotted him she ran to him and said "You missed Halloween." He replied, "So what? I don't care." Nonplussed she extended her hand and offered him 8 pieces of his favorite candy which she had saved for him. He walked away from her and snarled "I don't want those!" and went up to his room. Her face fell and I went to her and said I would take them for him and praised her thoughtfulness. The next morning as he was leaving for work he walked past her. She said "Bye Tortuga, have a good day. I'll miss you." He gave her a dirty look and said "I won't miss you." She started to cry. I comforted her as best I could and reminded her that he is a sad and hurt young man and that she didn't deserve his attitude. I was furious.

After I calmed down I sent him a quick text saying his behavior toward his 9 year old sister was unacceptable and violated our expectations and agreements that he be respectful and appropriate with all of us. I also reminded him that if he did not want to live with us before he left he could move to a rented room near his job. I asked him to give me his decision when he got home. No response. When he got home he pretended he hadn't gotten the message because his phone (my phone--an old flip phone) had broken when he accidentally sat on it. It took one look at the phone to tell that he had deliberately smashed it and twisted it apart. I didn't lose my cool. I told him what my message said and that if he couldn't do differently then we would move to a different plan. He said he would do better and he did for the next month.  He also spent the rest of his time at home without a phone which he expected me to replace.

In those six months I was mostly his cook, personal shopper or sounding board and occasionally I drove him to work or picked him up in bad weather.  I kept channels of communication open and his mood or anxiety or tiredness generally determined how pleasant or unpleasant he was. I didn't confront him about anything except safety issues. I could see glimmers of him trying to connect and I fully embraced those while at the same time respecting his need to disengage. We were willing to do whatever it took to get him ready for his next steps but we were unwilling to sacrifice everyone else's happiness or safety to do it. To his credit, he busied himself with work, gym and sleeping and preferred to have most of his meals at times when others were done eating.  He missed the structure of his program and he had no real interest in being a part of "family" life and we respected that. He didn't make friends but had a few connections with people at his job which seemed to be enough for him.

We hosted a wonderful goodbye party the Saturday after Thanksgiving and had so many people who had been significant in our family's life attend.  He had 2 co-workers/"friends" and one military recruit "buddy" attend. He gave out over 40 invitations. We were happy that these 3 people came. We sent him off on the Sunday and the next day all of us drove 2 hours from home to watch him get sworn in and to say goodbye to him. He was nervous and anxious and ignored everyone but me. I think he had a little change of heart as we spoke for the last few minutes because he asked me to take $300 from his bank account and spend it on Christmas gifts for his siblings and a birthday gift for C. His ideas for gifts were quite appropriate as he suggested St*r W*rs books for his SW obsessed younger siblings and 2 new swimsuits for his diving sister. As we drove away I shed a few tears but I also sensed the relief of everyone in the car. We went to a late lunch/early dinner and toasted him as we recognized that for better or worse, our party of 6 had become a party of 5.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Because someone asked...

In some ways, I cannot believe it has been over 2 years since I last wrote here. I still continue to write but as the children have gotten older I have stepped back from writing here for a variety of reasons. I couldn't possible recap here all that has transpired in the past two years. We are doing well overall with some bumps along the road. Tortuga is now 17, Corazon is 16, Pollito is 12 and Milagro is 9! C. and I are getting older and hopefully wiser but sometimes I wonder about that.

We are still living in Texas and hoping to return to the East Coast sometime in the next few years but for now, this is still a better option especially for the children.  We still homeschool and they are all still voracious readers and learners although production for school assignments still varies and is a struggle for some of them. Then again, it is for many of us.

Milagro is still amazing. She continues to be a loving, thoughtful, engaging, hard-working, creative and intelligent kid. She still LOVES orcas, anything green, strawberries and blueberries and fully expects to become a marine biologist. She is in 4th grade but reads and comprehends well above grade level. She does magical things with clay so my oven is frequently "busy" baking some new piece that she worked on well past her bedtime. She reads voraciously and right now moves between Pok*m*n graphic novels, Animorphs adventures, and she is finishing up Riordan's "The House of Hades." She is also pretty captivated by Girl Scout Founder, Juliet Gordon Lowe and is on a 2nd book about her. She was on a city swim team these past two summers and just started practicing on a  competitive swim team that meets 4X/week. Her goal is to improve all 4 strokes enough to move to a group that has a longer practice and meets 5 days/week. She also became a Girl Scout  last year and this year I got roped into becoming her troop leader.

Pollito has made tremendous improvement with his speech and sensory issues. He finished neurological reorganization which made a significant difference in many areas. He is attaching more and more each year and his learning issues severely interfere with his academic progress. When we combine that with his lack of interest in working hard at most things and his ODD then life isn't as much fun for any of us.  In the past year and a half or so we believed the trauma bond between him and Tortuga has diminished and we let our guard down. We started letting them spend more time together (mostly supervised) but realized that we had made a huge mistake. Things got very ugly for quite awhile and he got to a point where he was raging daily and destroying his room and anything else he came into contact with when he was mad or frustrated. We have our ups and downs in this area but I am pretty convinced that a large part of the issues is the trauma bond he has with Tortuga.  We have a plan in place with him that is mostly working but for almost a year it was shear hell.

Corazon and Tortuga really deserve their own posts. Corazon has made tremendous healing over the years. Her RAD is pretty much gone except for residual pieces that I think have become part of her personality more than anything else. She will still fight for control regardless of whether she is right or not, and despite the fact that the outcome is negative for her. She still has food sneaking issues and her lying ebbs and flows but stays mostly in the range of "normal" teen "stuff." She has developed a greater love for science and was focusing on forensics, cell biology, anatomy, and some chemistry with a local science team she became a part of in 9th grade. She is still a diver and has gone to nationals 3 years in a row although this past year was pretty tough on her because she moved up to the 16-18 age group even though she was still 15. Those divers were much better than she was and she went through a phase of not wanting to dive any more but seems to be back to enjoying it. She also got a part-time job last Spring as a lifeguard at a local Y. She LOVES this a bit too much so her schoolwork falls by the wayside at times. She is taking a couple of AP courses this year and struggling with time management. Most of our run-ins are about school work vs. part-time job. She says she wants to go to a Division 1 school and dive so we are trying to support her with this goal.

Tortuga healed tremendously these past 2 years. Some things, like the ODD, continued but his attachment to me especially is more solid. His aggression and violence continued to diminish but any time he didn't get his way we still dealt with blow ups, rudeness, disrespect and verbal aggression. They were fewer and farther between but still present. He is triggered by his jealousy of Pollito and Corazon on a pretty regular basis. Academically he has been well above grade level for years, especially in reading and writing so he has developed some coping skills for dealing with his learning issues. He and Corazon joined a Science Olympiad team and saw great success. He focused on Astronomy and Physics and for about a year and a half that became his obsession.  Last Christmas (which is during his trauma "anniversary") we had the best Christmas ever with him and then things fell apart. It was pretty violent and ugly and ultimately forced our hand about what to do next.

We considered many options and ultimately settled for something that would give him a shot at figuring out next steps for himself and give the rest of us a break for awhile. He was gone for almost 6 months and came back determined to join the military. That was not something we had hoped for but we were willing to support anything that allowed him to move forward so he has been admitted into the branch of his choice and we await his departure to boot camp in the next few months. Since he has been home it has been rough but he completed homeschooling and graduated and he found a part-time job at a fast food place he loves. Between working out at the gym in anticipation of his leaving for boot camp and his part time job, we see less and less of him which helps everyone out. Although the kids mostly tiptoe around him whenever he is around. Our rules are pretty strict with him but we have no expectations that he participate in "family life" and for the most part he likes it that way even though he does say he "misses" it at times. While all this has its own unique twist because of his issues, for the most part it mirrors more typical teen separation. He is 17 1/2 after all.

I have so much more I could write but for now I will stop and maybe pick up again in the near future.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Feelings Part 4 (he runs again)

After Corazon's return from diving, Tortuga's jealousy had him jumping out of his skin (literally, he gets twitchy and shifty eyed). He couldn't look at Corazon and he would barely talk to her. To make matters worse, she was her usual self. She is pleasant to him and doesn't care one way or the other if he pays attention to her (usually.) Her success brought up so many feelings for him about his self-perceived shortcomings.  We have established that he sees himself as a "loser" and "lame." This low self-esteem has been a huge issue from day 1 and whenever it starts to get a little better he usually quits or sabotages that which makes him feel a little better about himself. Combined with the fact that he doesn't offer much for others to latch onto, it makes him a very isolated and marginalized kid. Each social failure (attempt at having friends/social interactions) result in kids seeing him as weird or freakish and him (once again) getting his negative self perceptions reinforced. He compares himself to EVERYONE and he is always lacking. I could write a whole book on the things we have tried to help him with this but that is for another day.  On this day, this was the weight that was about to strangle him.

For about 36 hours after her return we kept things very low key. Beyond a banner drawn by Pollito to congratulate her (which we placed where he didn't have to look at it) we didn't talk about it around him. We focused on "chores" around the house and getting settled in for what was to be too much togetherness with C.'s family. His feelings were overwhelming him despite our efforts. I had talked to him and asked him what would help and had given him the option to not have to do anything (talk with her, congratulate her, etc.) except NOT say anything mean or rude. He could write it in his journal prompt book and think it but he could not say it to her. (He could share it with me, which he didn't want to do at the time.) I was once again reminded that under other circumstances we could celebrate her achievement as a family and go out and enjoy. Instead we planned a quiet celebration without him for sometime later in the week. I think a part of me hoped he could get it together enough to celebrate with us but I wasn't holding my breath or taking it away from her. C. had promised Corazon that we would take her to Chees*c*ke Fact*ry and she could order whatever she wanted.

Two days after her return the elements converged for a major fallout. All seemingly little things blew up to grand proportions in his frame of mind. I document them here so I keep better track of how things pile up for that kid (and many of our kids.) While his anger and jealousy was bubbling under the surface, the structure and distance seemed to be keeping things in check. Then C's parents decided to surprise us by being in our neighborhood (they were staying 2 hours away) and asking us to join them for ice cream at eveyone's all time favorite place in the middle of the afternoon. Recipe for disaster on many levels but there was no way they would understand if we didn't bring him and he would blow up if we left him out. I tried to prep him as best we could but it didn't work so well.  Here's the short list:

  • he was ignoring her and she wasn't reacting
  • he was making faces at her and she wasn't taking the bait
  • T was trying to be extra nice to him because she was aware he was struggling
  • C. went to pick up an art tile she had made the week before and it turned out beautifully (he was disappointed in the project he had done and we had brought everyone's home the day they did it but hers needed additional work.)
  • he was excited about seeing his grandparents (especially his grandfather)
  • he had a big treat (ice cream) but we made him choose a sugar free one (Corazon did too) because sugar makes his crazy angry and aggressive
  • I would not engage in an argument about the ice cream (despite several invitations) and he tried really hard to pick a fight
  • his grandfather brought a friend (who gave him a kidney) and his 11 year old son to ice cream 
  • his grandfather was talking with both boys but Tortuga felt it was too much attention for the "obnoxious" other boy (who interestingly enough acts a lot like Tortuga in his loudness, impulsivity, inappropriate commentary and laughter)
  • the boy "annoyed" him because he was so loud and obnoxious (had to really keep my mouth shut here)
  • visit with grandparents was short, no gifts, and no "special" attention so he was disappointed
  • he tried to make himself better by picking on Pollito and being loud and inappropriate so I removed Polite from his table without giving Tortuga any attention.
  • when we got back home I gave him a choice of several activities before dinner and he tried to pick one that I didn't give him (which wasn't appropriate at the time) and I didn't engage in a fight about it
  • At dinner, he tried to pick a fight with Corazon and was being overall nasty to her and she removed herself from the situation in a very mature way ("I'm done eating" which she wasn't and asked if she could finish later by herself.)
  • He then moved on to amp Pollito up while they ate so I moved Pollito from the table
  • Without an audience he proceeded to use his napkin as a toy and the tablecloth (which wasn't ours) as a napkin for the pasta and pasta sauce he was letting fall from his mouth as he ate.
I knew he was itching for a fight that I was trying to avoid. He kept escalating. I finally said he should take a break for 5 minutes then he could return to his food. He charged at me (I was in the doorway to another room) and put his face (mouthful of food) right in front of mine and yelled "why don't you shut the **** up!" C. got frustrated and told him to take his break on the front porch. He stormed down the stairs, damaged the storm door, and was gone. He was barefoot, it was getting dark and it was about to rain. He just took off down the street (a neighbor who knows him tried to talk to him and then let us know he was down the street. This is a busy Boston neighborhood and the boy took off and was gone and hiding outside for over 5 hours. We tried not to worry but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was. Once it was truly dark outside and he'd been gone for about 3 and a half hours we went outside and called him. We figured he was within earshot just hiding. He ignored us and continued to ignore us even after C. and his godmother both tried to look for him and call to him. He ignored me as I announced we needed to call the police for his safety. (He is terrified of police.) Finally C. went to sit on the porch and he stepped out of the shadows because he didn't see her. She sent him upstairs and he came up and straight to the room he was sleeping in. He was still angry and trying to fume but we could also tell he had scared himself.  I went in and told him to change into pjs and I would be in shortly to talk. At that time, if he was inappropriate in any way, I would be calling the police or taking him to a hospital. 

When I went to talk with him he cried and cried and cried. Everything he was feeling and thinking just spilled out. He felt like a loser, he was jealous, he hated Corazon, he wasn't good at anything, he was scared to death that he had ruined his whole life, he was afraid we wouldn't want him back, he wanted to be 5 again, he wished I was his birth mother, he didn't want to see his birth mother because he wanted to forget about her, he wanted to see her because it had been a long time since he had seen her, he doesn't miss her but he feels guilty, she reminds him what he could be like, he hates himself, he was mad at his grandfather for giving the other kid attention, he was mad Corazon was being nice to him, he wishes he could win at something, and the list went on and on. I reminded him we loved him and forgave him because we were family no matter what. I reminded him we would deal with the feelings after he got some rest, I reminded him there was restitution to do the next day and we would help him tackle some of those feelings. I held him and hugged him while he cried. He was so upset at himself mostly and I was proud of him for being able to own so many of those thoughts and feelings. None of them were new but he usually tries to deny them and this time he seemed to be owning them a little more than other times. They are so huge and so hard to tackle but at least he was willing to name them.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Feelings Part 3 (aka road trip blues)

After her return from zones, Corazon seemed more subdued. We processed out the prejudice she encountered and she seemed to be ok with it except that she was thrown off by her feelings. I chalked it up to growing up and the progress she is making and we settled in to enjoying the week with C.'s family (who arrived the same day they returned from zones). C.'s youngest brother was getting married and C. was officiating. Of course, Corazon doing well at zone set off Tortuga in a MAJOR way.

We had struggled with Tortuga on the road trip to Boston. Normally the kids travel well until they don't. We have discovered several things that work and don't come back to bite us. For example, watching DVDs in the van keeps them chilled out on the road trip but the dinnertime, hotel time is HELL!!! So we don't do DVDs until the evening time, night driving, or last day or two and then dose them with melatonin and benadryl to make the best of it. Otherwise they travel well because our being cooped up in the van together reduces everyone's anxiety.  For Tortuga, the car trip gives him too much time to be a voyeur and watch the other kids. It is a bit creepy for all of us and overwhelming for him. We find that even with an 8 passenger van we have to put him in a row by himself behind the other three who end up cramped in the middle row. That is the best way to give him space and less stimulus. We tried putting him in front of the others but he spent the whole time turning back and making faces/noises/glaring. This works best but doesn't stop his need to try to "catch" them doing something wrong and then getting angry when he doesn't think we have "punished" them for whatever infraction he witnesses or thinks he saw. It's a vicious cycle for him and depending on how much sleep he has had and how he wakes up we all end up at his mercy. It has gotten better over the years but still poses a challenge.

This trip had great anxiety for him because he was conflicted. We haven't been able to see his and Pollito's birth mom in the last 2 years because she sort of "disappeared." Then she resurfaced this year and we have been in contact with her.  He is going through a phase where he doesn't want to see or hear from her. When I asked if he wanted to see her he continually changed his mind. I knew the possibility was weighing on him partly because he couldn't make peace with his feelings. He did want to see her but he did not want to see her. So he was going to be anxious either way. Coupled with the fact that Corazon was going to zones, which raises his jealousy and sense of inferiority, we were not off to a good start. By the time we got to Pennsylvania he imploded and acted aggressively toward Corazon and them me. We got to a hotel and couldn't even let him into the lobby. That resulted in him running away from us and hiding nearby. Usually we count on him being afraid of many things to keep him in check. He was a runner from a young age but he was scared to go too far so he usually went no further than a few houses down the street until he got really scared and came home. This time, we figured he would do the same thing. Especially because it was almost evening and it was going to rain.

He's fifteen now and a little more bold. He ran into a nearby wooded area and didn't come when we called him. C. got frustrated and decided to take the other 3 to the swimming pool because they should enjoy the opportunity. While I didn't disagree, I feared it would set him off if he knew. I was right, unfortunately. He saw them through the windows (indoor pool) and that set him off. It was a few hours before he returned and even then he was self-righteous and obnoxious. He was also chagrinned and scared so I was able to take control of the situation to get us through the night. I let him shower (always a calming strategy for him) and he got ready for bed. He had run out of the van before being able to get his backpack so he didn't have anything to "do." Normally I might be invested in him having those things but I felt he needed to feel the impact of his rashness. I was frustrated and angry but did my best to be therapeutic and act out of love not frustration.  We got through that and he did well while Corazon was at zones, even helping me paint a room that was a nightmare to clear out.

With Corazon's return his anger was palpable. He couldn't even look at her. All the other kids welcomed her back lovingly and were so happy for her. They congratulated her unprompted. Tortuga would not even look at her and he was itching for a battle.  I tried to honor his feeling in anticipation of her return and I tried to give him some strategies that might help him but I knew it was a matter of time.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Feelings Part 2 (aka Diving at Zones)

Corazon started diving a year ago.  In May she competed in her first regional meet and managed to qualify for zones. We had no idea she would qualify (not too common after less than a year of diving) and we really didn't want to go to "zones" in FL. This was completely inconvenient because it forced us to change our summer travel plans which greatly reduced our time in Boston. We couldn't take everyone to FL because of cost so we ended up changing our plans and not stopping to visit with family and friends on our drive to Boston so we could get there and then she and C. could turn around and go to FL. Traveling together has its challenges for them. They had gone to the Regional competition together and C. had caught Corazon stealing "treats" from her bag in the car when C. wasn't watching. She caught her again in the middle of the night in the hotel room. I was dreading what this trip would be for them especially because Corazon's anxiety is greater when I am not around. C. handles her very well but it still raises Corazon's anxiety.  Nonetheless, they were gone for 5 days while the rest of us were in Boston.

There are so many highlights from that trip. Corazon did well from a behavioral and diving perspective. She didn't have a "prayer" of making it to Nationals according to everyone involved in her diving but they agreed she needed the experience. The competition was rained on in high humidity for most of the 5 days.That meant they would start diving and then stop for several HOURS because of thunder, then start again and stop within 30 minutes for another hour or two, etc. etc.  This would normally be a set up for Corazon who doesn't transition well from "down" time to "on" time. However, she held it together nicely and needed minimal redirection. She was able to transition from playing card games with a teammate to diving and back and forth throughout the 3 days of competing. What made that most impressive was that she was being tested on so many fronts.

We know diving is a "white" sport and she doesn't have the "form" that many of her fellow divers have. We also have encountered racism in many different forms throughout our children's lives. The kids know about it and hear us talk about it. We try to turn the experiences in lessons for all of them but especially Corazon who stands out in many of the activities she participates in. She has encountered prejudice and ignorance because of her race and most of the time she lets it roll off her back or ignores it. This time she couldn't hide from it. Despite decent dives she noticed she was getting very low scores from several judges. The dive parents and even some other coaches noticed and commented to C. that they had noticed or didn't know what was going on. At one point one of the coaches for another team approached C. and gave her some insight--C. was getting lower marks because of her race and because her hair was in cornrows. (For anyone who knows what Black girls' hair can look like after being in a pool, you understand the need for cornrows.)  C. started paying attention and discovered that indeed Corazon and the other girls of color were in fact being scored lower by a couple of the judges.  It was blatant enough that even some folks who claimed not to "notice" race, noticed.  It got so bad at one point that Corazon and another one of the girls in her group were getting comments from other girls about how the judges must not "like" them.  While Corazon has encountered (and will continue to encounter) racism and prejudice before, this time she felt it. It hurt her more than angered her. She cried. She didn't cry while she was up on that diving board but she cried. She cried again when she told me over the phone. This may sound crazy but even though we don't want our child hurt, C. and I were thrilled that she was letting herself feel something so powerful and that she didn't let it stop her and get in her way. She didn't fall apart and get pissed off and lose it. She just felt it and the helplessness of the situation and she kept on trying her best through the tears.  For Corazon this was so HUGE. A painless life lesson but an amazing personal growth experience.

After all that, she even managed to eek out a qualifying spot for Nationals because some of the girls she was competing against had already qualified.  Being the "bad" parents that we are, we were less than thrilled because it meant cutting our trip short on the tail end too so we could be in Nashville over week earlier than we had projected.  C. and I had to laugh at the texts that went back and forth between us in those moments.

C:  She tied for 13th so no Nationals.
Me: Sorry for her but "yay" we get to enjoy some of our trip.
C: Yes! Yay! I mean so sad for her.
Me: Yes, but we need the break.
C: Wait a minute. One of the parents says one girl prequalified so she might be in. Waiting for word.
Me: WHAT??? No! I mean "yay." Maybe. Oh my, I am so conflicted.
C: Me too. How terrible.
Me: Terrible that she might go or terrible that we are such bad parents?
C: Both.
C: She's in!!!! Nationals! Get ready for Tennessee!
Me: (silence)
C: Hello?
Me: Oh my...Happy for her. After all she went through! Take a picture for me.
C: Will do.  ... Not our best parenting moment, huh?

No indeed. But we were so proud of her.

Monday, September 8, 2014

The Summer of Big Feelings (Part 1)

Good. Bad. Hard. Easy. Exhausting. Reinvigorating. That was our summer. Except for recaps in pictures I don't think I can begin to reconstruct the many things that took place in those few months. One thing I do know is that there was an awful lot of growing that happened for Corazon.

Corazon has been doing incredibly well (not without some BIG bumps along the way). In many ways I think she is actively working to heal and yet she is also terrified of the changes. One of the biggest changes for her is that she is FEELING. That may sound a bit strange but for Corazon feeling anything too deeply threatens her sense of control in MAJOR ways.  She tends to intellectualize things or just react without thinking. Not to say she hasn't felt things along the way. Of course she has but the main feelings she regularly allows herself to experience tend to be anger, frustration, disappointment (which all tend to look the same--scowling, frowning, yelling, gritting her teeth, stomping, flaring her nostrils, slamming her body into a chair, bed, etc.) When calm she can talk about it but it has tended to be pretty void of any real feelings. It sounds like she is narrating a book or a movie or something that happened to someone else.  When she is happy or excited she is "over the top-giddy, impulsive, really loud, needs constant redirection, and basically lets herself do whatever she wants until she is unsafe or highly inappropriate and has to be sent to her room to regain  some semblance of self-control. Usually if we let it go it gets very unsafe and she really can't reign it back in regardless of how we try to address it.

For example, if she wasn't doing her schoolwork and I reminded her that if she didn't complete what was expected of her she would be missing diving practice, she might get her work done (minimally but within the "letter" of the law, so to speak) OR she might continue whatever she wasn't supposed to be doing.  Whether I continued to remind her or not didn't seem to make a difference. Once I told her she wasn't going because she hadn't done what she needed to do all hell would break lose. It might look like pleading for another chance, arguing that the directions weren't clear, that she could do the task, or that I changed the expectations, but usually ending with her yelling and stomping out of the room if I refused to engage in the battle. If she was able to regroup it might be as a "last ditch" effort to get me to change my mind. So she might come down from her room to apologize for her behavior but then ask me to let her go to diving. It felt manipulative (and it was) and would usually result in my saying "not this time but maybe next time we can make it work" and her storming back upstairs. There might even be some loud wailing and most definitely yelling that I was mean, unfair, unclear, etc. It would go on for hours before she could bring herself to STOP the behaviors and even then she stayed "edgy" for the rest of the day/night.

Much of that is gone. Over the past year, we noticed that she was showing a wider range of "normal" feelings whether it was happiness or disappointment or frustration. There seemed to be more "middle ground." She could get silly and regroup. She could snap at her brother and then stop herself from escalating. She could express disappointment at not getting to go somewhere without it becoming a completely ruined day.  We still saw a great deal of drama but it was also clear that her "heart" wasn't in it as much.  She still gets "stuck" and this summer we had a few big episodes of this that looked pretty ridiculous even to her once she got past it. But in almost every case she was able to regroup even if things got pretty ugly. It didn't take over her (and our) day. That is huge progress for this kid and it feels so good to see her hard work pay off.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

In June

In June I celebrated my 50th birthday with a party planned by my wife and my 6 year old (hence the rainbow theme and piƱata....) I got a couple of lovely cards from the kids. Corazon made a list of 50 reasons she loves me!

I was blessed that my brother, sister and mom were all able to attend.

The littles and I made chalk spray paints and spent a really hot day outside drawing on the driveway.

There was a good deal of time spent in the water, including our homemade water blob made by Tortuga, Pollito and Milagro.

We went to a 5th grade graduation and Milagro made her feelings about going to school quite clear.

We celebrated my niece's 8th grade graduation...

Corazon and I practices our selfies.

 Milagro played "fairies" with her stuffed animals because no one else would play with her...

Corazon had a number of diving competitions and competed at regionals. She did well enough that she qualified for the zone competition in Florida!

 We discovered a family of raccoons in our backyard.

 Tortuga and Corazon joined swim team again this summer.

At the end of the month we began our almost annual trek to Boston...

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