Friday, April 12, 2013
Sometimes...
Sometimes my children will surprise me in the best ways. Milagro is obsessed with all things "My L*ttle P*ny." When she saw that Bu*ld-a-B*ar was bringing MLP plush toys she declared that she had to have one. We told her she needed to earn the money herself. She circled the arrival date (April 1) on the calendar and periodically checked in about ways to earn money. During our annual neighborhood Easter egg hunt she found lots of money in her plastic egg and ended up with $12.00. She was so excited and motivated to keep earning money. Today after getting money from the Magic Mouse (aka El Raton Perez, the equivalent of the tooth fairy in our house) she was still shy $6 but closer to her goal. Without any prompting Corazon gave her $3 she got for doing extra chores and Pollito gave her $2 from his Easter money. Just like that! I told them how happy they made her and how proud I was that they were being so kind and generous. Later this afternoon she was talking with Tortuga about how excited she was to be so close to her goal and she was telling him her plans for earning that last dollar. He looked at me and asked if I still had his $4 from the last of his money. I said yes and he asked me to give it to her because he wasn't going to need it and he "wanted to make her happy." This is huge! He is my most self-centered and selfish child and he just handed it over to her. She is over the moon and I am one proud mom!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Six years ago today
Six years ago today, I showed up at an RTC to pick Tortuga up and bring him home. He was so excited and terrified about the move that the moment I met him he announced "I'm not going with you. I am staying here. I changed my mind." I sat down next to him and told him I could tell he was scared but we would get through this together. He was adamant that he wasn't leaving. I explained that he was leaving because the RTC could not keep him any longer. However, if he preferred to go to a different foster home we could talk to his social worker about that. (The RTC claimed money had run out and he was being kicked out for lack of funding not because of any progress he had made.) Immediately he changed his mind and said he preferred to come home with me. At that moment I fully recognized (but didn't fully appreciate) that we were in for an uphill battle/transition. Tortuga was terrified of EVERYTHING and like many who experience this type of fear he postured a self-confidence and cockiness that didn't quite mask the terror. We welcomed him home to much celebration from Pollito (his bio brother) and Corazon. They were soooo excited to have their big brother home and insisted we have cake, balloons and presents.
We overwhelmed him with activity that week. The following day he started a new school in a special education classroom for kids with cognitive issues and language based issues. The day after was Valentine's Day and we scrambled to help him write cards for the 8 other kids in his class. At the time he could barely write his name and most of the time it was not spelled correctly. The next two days were filled with testing and we picked him up from school on Friday and drove 9 hours to visit C.'s family in PA for what turned into a 10 day visit because her father was critically ill and hospitalized. To top it all off, we announced at the hospital room that C. was 3 months pregnant with Milagro! The poor kid was so overwhelmed he didn't have time to process much less react. Through it all he was amazingly calm (although he was also heavily medicated). We were moving so fast and dealing with so much that week that we weren't able to keep up with the meds schedule the RTC has sent him home on. In retrospect that turned out to be a blessing because when we returned to Boston and checked in with his psychiatrist explaining what he had missed and what we had observed we made the decision to ween him off several of his meds and made a plan to take him completely off all the various drugs he was on and try to find "the real kid" underneath it all. And see that kid we did. So much of it is unbloggable. He had so many issues, gaps, negative behaviors and trying to find our way out from under the violence and aggression, the bullying, the impulse control issues, the fear, the lack of so many basic skills, etc was overwhelming.
Today he still struggles with many issues but all of them are issues to a lesser degree and some are completely gone. At times the healing he has done is incredible to believe. Other times I find myself exclaiming in frustration "Why are we still dealing with this?!!!!" On this day I want to honor how far Tortuga has come. He can read. He no longer rages. His meltdowns are few and far between. He is kind. He is caring. He can read and write above grade level even though his early assessments indicated he was borderline MR. He loves to read, write, draw, poetry, play guitar, sports, legos, chess, learn about history and science, going for hikes, riding his bike, skateboard, and scooter, help our elderly neighbors, and spend time with the family. He can spend hours focusing on one activity and he has begun to learn to laugh at himself. This doesn't mean we don't have major struggles with rudeness, trust, meanness, fear, anxiety, bad judgment, impatience, and aggression. We do and we know he still doesn't trust us. He still uses information as a weapon both against people (when he has it and uses it) and against himself/us (he withholds vital information until it becomes a major issue). But he is healing.
When he came home we were told by therapists and social workers "no one would blame you if you didn't adopt him." It seemed unfathomable to us that at age 7 everyone would have already given up on him. It was clear he had given up on himself. So much of our struggle with him has been to help him recognize that he is a good person, that he can nurture the good in himself and express that. We have had to help him see that there is much he can accomplish if he sets his mind to it but that he has to let go of all the "stuff" that gets in his way. It is hard. Very hard. He is no longer 7. He is almost 14. Each day we struggle I go to bed wondering if we can keep doing this. Each morning I remind myself that we have a new day, a new opportunity to try again, a new chance for success. Some days, he surprises me because he goes back to being that child who behaves like a trapped and wounded animal. Other days he surprises me because he rises about that and he move beyond those primal feelings. Today, I am most proud of him because he keeps trying. He is still willing to try. He still fights us on many levels. He still doesn't trust us. Yet there are glimmers of hope. I know he loves us. Three years ago he would have said that he didn't need or want us. Today, he cannot imagine living anywhere else and talks of being with us forever (we will have to cross that bridge when we come to it. :-) ) I don't know what the future will bring nor do I know if it will be enough but for today I honor and celebrate the progress and the hope. For today, that is enough.
Today he still struggles with many issues but all of them are issues to a lesser degree and some are completely gone. At times the healing he has done is incredible to believe. Other times I find myself exclaiming in frustration "Why are we still dealing with this?!!!!" On this day I want to honor how far Tortuga has come. He can read. He no longer rages. His meltdowns are few and far between. He is kind. He is caring. He can read and write above grade level even though his early assessments indicated he was borderline MR. He loves to read, write, draw, poetry, play guitar, sports, legos, chess, learn about history and science, going for hikes, riding his bike, skateboard, and scooter, help our elderly neighbors, and spend time with the family. He can spend hours focusing on one activity and he has begun to learn to laugh at himself. This doesn't mean we don't have major struggles with rudeness, trust, meanness, fear, anxiety, bad judgment, impatience, and aggression. We do and we know he still doesn't trust us. He still uses information as a weapon both against people (when he has it and uses it) and against himself/us (he withholds vital information until it becomes a major issue). But he is healing.
When he came home we were told by therapists and social workers "no one would blame you if you didn't adopt him." It seemed unfathomable to us that at age 7 everyone would have already given up on him. It was clear he had given up on himself. So much of our struggle with him has been to help him recognize that he is a good person, that he can nurture the good in himself and express that. We have had to help him see that there is much he can accomplish if he sets his mind to it but that he has to let go of all the "stuff" that gets in his way. It is hard. Very hard. He is no longer 7. He is almost 14. Each day we struggle I go to bed wondering if we can keep doing this. Each morning I remind myself that we have a new day, a new opportunity to try again, a new chance for success. Some days, he surprises me because he goes back to being that child who behaves like a trapped and wounded animal. Other days he surprises me because he rises about that and he move beyond those primal feelings. Today, I am most proud of him because he keeps trying. He is still willing to try. He still fights us on many levels. He still doesn't trust us. Yet there are glimmers of hope. I know he loves us. Three years ago he would have said that he didn't need or want us. Today, he cannot imagine living anywhere else and talks of being with us forever (we will have to cross that bridge when we come to it. :-) ) I don't know what the future will bring nor do I know if it will be enough but for today I honor and celebrate the progress and the hope. For today, that is enough.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Tapping. Changes.
When you parent kids with trauma, you learn to be open to anything that has a chance of working no matter how "silly" or hokey it seems. If it will help my child I will gladly feed her m&ms while looking lovingly into her eyes even though she tried to kill me last night. If getting my kids to spend 20 minutes belly crawling and crawling around the house helps their brains, then that's what we'll do. If it will keep my child safe I will alarm his doors, set up motion detectors, and video monitors in strange places. If it will help my child I will look like a fool/tyrant in front of my family and friends who don't get it because my child needs to know I will set boundaries for her no matter what.
My older children have done tapping and rubbing for years. Sometimes we have periods of time when it doesn't seem to be helping and other times it makes the days survivable or even pleasant. Corazon has a love/hate relationship with tapping even though she has seen the difference it makes. Because she has healed so much I started easing up on the tapping especially when she was resistant. A few months later I realized that she was only tapping two or three times per week and her behavior was out of control and generally inconsistent. As usually happens when I talk/text with another mom parenting kids like mine I realized that she needed to get back to tapping but we had stagnated a bit. My dear friend, Lisa offered to create a tapping script for Corazon, who she has met and interacted with on various occasions. Of course, I jumped at the chance and when I saw the script I thought, "hmmm I am not sure some of these are issues for her" but decided to let her try it. I gave it a big buildup telling her that as she is getting older her tapping needed to change. I also noted that she doesn't like to do it but that she also knows it helps her. I talked about it generally over the course of a week or so without taking the time to introduce it to her (mostly because I was dealing with someone else's traumaversary behaviors). When I finally did it with her she was ready to try it and in a good space. I don't know if it was the script, renewed interest in tapping, or the fact that she or I hadn't created it but that day was one of her best days in months. For the past two weeks she has tapped a couple of times each day using this new script and the difference in her is noticeable. She is calmer, happier and so much more relaxed. In fact, C. commented last week that she had noticed how much more "fun" and appropriately "playful" Corazon was. C. didn't know we were using a new tapping script.
Earlier this week we celebrated her 8th "anniversary" of the day she came home. As part of the celebration she wanted to see pictures of herself growing up so I made a slide show similar to the one I made for Pollito last month. When we finished watching she was very happy and commented "I really have had a good life." She has thanked me for it a few times and asked questions about some of the pictures because she didn't remember when/where they were taken. I don't know if the slide show triggered "stuff" for her but yesterday, she hit some bumps in her science project which is due in a couple of weeks (for an outside class she is taking) and she took out her anxiety on me. After several attempts to redirect and refocus she still couldn't get it together so I called a time-out and sent her to her room for 20 minutes. When I checked on her she was tapping. I didn't say anything when she came down except that I was happy to see her and I gave her a quick hug. The rest of the day was a little bumpy but ok for the most part. As she was getting ready for bed she gave me a hug and spontaneously added "I am sorry for the way I behaved to you this morning. I don't know what made me act like such a jerk to you when I was the one who made the problem bigger." I was so proud of her. She apologized AND took responsibility all in one breath. This is huge for her.
When I was checking on her writing this week I came across this entry, which was NOT assigned. She didn't even tell me about it.
Dear Ms. Lisa,
How are you? I hope you and J. are doing well. Thank you very much for my tapping script. The first time I did it, it made me feel better saying them because I knew they were true. I was afraid to fail, to make a fool of myself every time I make a mistake. I do feel ashamed sometimes. Saying those outloud, I felt better and I also had a great day. Thank you so much for thinking about me. I hope to see you soon.
Love,
[Corazon]
This daughter of mine is blossoming into an even more amazing person each and every day.
My older children have done tapping and rubbing for years. Sometimes we have periods of time when it doesn't seem to be helping and other times it makes the days survivable or even pleasant. Corazon has a love/hate relationship with tapping even though she has seen the difference it makes. Because she has healed so much I started easing up on the tapping especially when she was resistant. A few months later I realized that she was only tapping two or three times per week and her behavior was out of control and generally inconsistent. As usually happens when I talk/text with another mom parenting kids like mine I realized that she needed to get back to tapping but we had stagnated a bit. My dear friend, Lisa offered to create a tapping script for Corazon, who she has met and interacted with on various occasions. Of course, I jumped at the chance and when I saw the script I thought, "hmmm I am not sure some of these are issues for her" but decided to let her try it. I gave it a big buildup telling her that as she is getting older her tapping needed to change. I also noted that she doesn't like to do it but that she also knows it helps her. I talked about it generally over the course of a week or so without taking the time to introduce it to her (mostly because I was dealing with someone else's traumaversary behaviors). When I finally did it with her she was ready to try it and in a good space. I don't know if it was the script, renewed interest in tapping, or the fact that she or I hadn't created it but that day was one of her best days in months. For the past two weeks she has tapped a couple of times each day using this new script and the difference in her is noticeable. She is calmer, happier and so much more relaxed. In fact, C. commented last week that she had noticed how much more "fun" and appropriately "playful" Corazon was. C. didn't know we were using a new tapping script.
Earlier this week we celebrated her 8th "anniversary" of the day she came home. As part of the celebration she wanted to see pictures of herself growing up so I made a slide show similar to the one I made for Pollito last month. When we finished watching she was very happy and commented "I really have had a good life." She has thanked me for it a few times and asked questions about some of the pictures because she didn't remember when/where they were taken. I don't know if the slide show triggered "stuff" for her but yesterday, she hit some bumps in her science project which is due in a couple of weeks (for an outside class she is taking) and she took out her anxiety on me. After several attempts to redirect and refocus she still couldn't get it together so I called a time-out and sent her to her room for 20 minutes. When I checked on her she was tapping. I didn't say anything when she came down except that I was happy to see her and I gave her a quick hug. The rest of the day was a little bumpy but ok for the most part. As she was getting ready for bed she gave me a hug and spontaneously added "I am sorry for the way I behaved to you this morning. I don't know what made me act like such a jerk to you when I was the one who made the problem bigger." I was so proud of her. She apologized AND took responsibility all in one breath. This is huge for her.
When I was checking on her writing this week I came across this entry, which was NOT assigned. She didn't even tell me about it.
Dear Ms. Lisa,
How are you? I hope you and J. are doing well. Thank you very much for my tapping script. The first time I did it, it made me feel better saying them because I knew they were true. I was afraid to fail, to make a fool of myself every time I make a mistake. I do feel ashamed sometimes. Saying those outloud, I felt better and I also had a great day. Thank you so much for thinking about me. I hope to see you soon.
Love,
[Corazon]
This daughter of mine is blossoming into an even more amazing person each and every day.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Corazon. 8 years.
Today we celebrated 8 years since Corazon joined our family. What an amazing journey this has been. I look forward to many more years of watching her grow. Happy Anniversary my dear heart.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tortuga's ups and downs
Tortuga has been having a hard time again. He is never an easy child but during the months of November-February (end) he is particularly challenging. This year we delayed the "big" issues until 2 days after Christmas which was awesome. Since then he has been on a roller coaster with some good times mixed in with some very challenging times. We have started a "new" guided imagery series and he seems to be responding to that a little bit. I have also continued the "music therapy" which keeps him grounded and focused throughout the day. I am dreaming of a serious stereo system where I can "pipe" music to every room in the house as kids' need dictate. Right now we are "doing school" while listening to Gregorian chants and Mozart. They also listen to reiki music and Corazon, especially, has responded well to it. So far, the combination of music therapy and guided imagery seem to be helping the most with Tortuga but we still have bumps (like he keeps breaking the ipod). He is also starting tapping again which I am hoping will work better for him this time around. The last time it became a battleground even though he could tell it helped him so I finally said I wasn't interested in "forcing" him to do anything he didn't want to do so we gave it up.
Last week he was especially nasty and disrespectful. I finally told him we were taking a break from him and he would only be allowed around the other kids when he was "helping" them, doing something nice for them, or otherwise working on being pleasant and a total joy to be around. As soon as he wasn't focused on making them happy, we would go back to taking a break for him. Yesterday was the first time in longer than I can remember that the rest of the kids actually had fun with him. They are so good at tolerating him and putting up with him but they rarely ENJOY his company. I could see him working harder at it so I kept encouraging him and trying to support him. I think he got annoyed with me for calling attention to his good behaviors and intentions but ultimately he felt successful and I complimented him on his successes. Of course, today he has driven me crazy asking for things he isn't allowed to have or he has shown no ability to handle.
This is his pattern. After a good day, he gets "demanding" and ultimately blows up. Yesterday before he went to bed I tried to lay the groundwork for what I thought would happen today and how I planned to handle it. I cannot tell that if my talking about it last night is making it better or worse today but so far, I have not engaged with him about any of it and he hasn't blown up. He is such a hard kid and so exhausting on so many levels. I am working on not letting him zap all my energy so that I have something left for the other kids but it is hard. I have to keep reminding myself that he is 5 or 6 emotionally even though he is 13 and several inches taller than me. That boy will fight us on just about everything even on the NOT fighting him thing. We took another step back this month and I told him no schoolwork until he can handle it without attitude and drama. Of course, nowvhe begs for schoolwork every morning and I say, "nope, you get to do whatever you want as long as it isn't destructive or interrupts the other kids' learning." When I checked to see what he was doing, he had gone back and "corrected" all his assignments that he hadn't completed in the last 3 months (he has a workbook he likes and he does guided journal writing). Then he asked if he could please finish his All About Me book which he fought us tooth and nail about when we got them this past summer. Go figure.
Last week he was especially nasty and disrespectful. I finally told him we were taking a break from him and he would only be allowed around the other kids when he was "helping" them, doing something nice for them, or otherwise working on being pleasant and a total joy to be around. As soon as he wasn't focused on making them happy, we would go back to taking a break for him. Yesterday was the first time in longer than I can remember that the rest of the kids actually had fun with him. They are so good at tolerating him and putting up with him but they rarely ENJOY his company. I could see him working harder at it so I kept encouraging him and trying to support him. I think he got annoyed with me for calling attention to his good behaviors and intentions but ultimately he felt successful and I complimented him on his successes. Of course, today he has driven me crazy asking for things he isn't allowed to have or he has shown no ability to handle.
This is his pattern. After a good day, he gets "demanding" and ultimately blows up. Yesterday before he went to bed I tried to lay the groundwork for what I thought would happen today and how I planned to handle it. I cannot tell that if my talking about it last night is making it better or worse today but so far, I have not engaged with him about any of it and he hasn't blown up. He is such a hard kid and so exhausting on so many levels. I am working on not letting him zap all my energy so that I have something left for the other kids but it is hard. I have to keep reminding myself that he is 5 or 6 emotionally even though he is 13 and several inches taller than me. That boy will fight us on just about everything even on the NOT fighting him thing. We took another step back this month and I told him no schoolwork until he can handle it without attitude and drama. Of course, nowvhe begs for schoolwork every morning and I say, "nope, you get to do whatever you want as long as it isn't destructive or interrupts the other kids' learning." When I checked to see what he was doing, he had gone back and "corrected" all his assignments that he hadn't completed in the last 3 months (he has a workbook he likes and he does guided journal writing). Then he asked if he could please finish his All About Me book which he fought us tooth and nail about when we got them this past summer. Go figure.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Hello 2013
It's mid-January already. The Christmas decorations are finally put away. I am still sweeping up pine needles which I will probably do until May but I don't mind. It brings a smile to my face to be taken back to the sights and sounds of our holiday this year. It was our best yet and we registered the least number of tantrums and meltdowns ever! Tortuga held it together beautifully and Corazon was ever so helpful.
Of course those more peaceful days are behind us now. As with so many children of trauma when things go well and they are overwhelmed because they feel loved and happy and they don't think they deserve it all, the other shoe drops. Pollito stopped brushing his teeth, started wearing the same dirty t-shirt day after day, and has pretty much interjected himself into every. single. conversation. for the last three weeks. It is driving all of us absolutely nuts. Corazon stopped using toothpaste and deodorant and worked really hard to make herself stinky by refusing to shower. Then she pretends to not notice, or she tries to engage in a discussion about it. I have a particularly acute sense of smell, which she knows, so I know she is just trying to get my attention. Tortuga kicked up the ODD a few notches and invites me to fight with him several times each hour. Currently my computer and table are covered in sticky notes reminding me of those things that I have a hard time remembering when they start coming at me from all angles. The most prominent post-it note right now says "DECLINE the invitation."
If I get invited to join an argument, I DECLINE the invitation.
If I get invited to participate in mediating whatever current attention getting competition Corazon and Pollito create, I DECLINE the invitation.
If someone starts pretending she forgot how to ________________, I shrug, walk away, and wait until another child in need of attention, (who tries to point out to me how silly she is behaving,) decides to go tell her how to do it (which suddenly jolts her memory faster than any prompting from me. Go figure.)
If someone leaves off an important article of clothing because I haven't taken the bait to fight or argue about __________, I comment loudly to no one in particular, that it sure is chilly outside.
If, after a particularly enjoyable family dinner out with friends, someone walks in the door and decides to start a battle about being deprived and treated unfairly because other kids get ___________, I listen for a minute and then as soon as possible smile and say "you are right honey now go get ready for bed."
That is what is working right now. I am able to engage with the kids in ways that are fun, appropriate, necessary, and the rest of it, I am not getting pulled into. It's hard but it works for us. Until I slip...
Of course those more peaceful days are behind us now. As with so many children of trauma when things go well and they are overwhelmed because they feel loved and happy and they don't think they deserve it all, the other shoe drops. Pollito stopped brushing his teeth, started wearing the same dirty t-shirt day after day, and has pretty much interjected himself into every. single. conversation. for the last three weeks. It is driving all of us absolutely nuts. Corazon stopped using toothpaste and deodorant and worked really hard to make herself stinky by refusing to shower. Then she pretends to not notice, or she tries to engage in a discussion about it. I have a particularly acute sense of smell, which she knows, so I know she is just trying to get my attention. Tortuga kicked up the ODD a few notches and invites me to fight with him several times each hour. Currently my computer and table are covered in sticky notes reminding me of those things that I have a hard time remembering when they start coming at me from all angles. The most prominent post-it note right now says "DECLINE the invitation."
If I get invited to join an argument, I DECLINE the invitation.
If I get invited to participate in mediating whatever current attention getting competition Corazon and Pollito create, I DECLINE the invitation.
If someone starts pretending she forgot how to ________________, I shrug, walk away, and wait until another child in need of attention, (who tries to point out to me how silly she is behaving,) decides to go tell her how to do it (which suddenly jolts her memory faster than any prompting from me. Go figure.)
If someone leaves off an important article of clothing because I haven't taken the bait to fight or argue about __________, I comment loudly to no one in particular, that it sure is chilly outside.
If, after a particularly enjoyable family dinner out with friends, someone walks in the door and decides to start a battle about being deprived and treated unfairly because other kids get ___________, I listen for a minute and then as soon as possible smile and say "you are right honey now go get ready for bed."
That is what is working right now. I am able to engage with the kids in ways that are fun, appropriate, necessary, and the rest of it, I am not getting pulled into. It's hard but it works for us. Until I slip...
Friday, December 28, 2012
Low-key Holidays
Our holidays have been filled with so many small and wonderful moments that I am hard-pressed to pick my favorites. Everyone has had such a wonderful time that I am recommitting to NOT traveling for the December holidays yet again. I missed seeing my mom and brother but things go so much better when fewer people are around. Except for my sister and niece, and our neighbor A. we spent most of this month by ourselves enjoying simple pleasures like Christmas music blaring, reading Christmas stories, making and delivering holiday fudge, doing Christmas crafts, and watching holiday movies, including our kids' and C.'s first screening of "It's a Wonderful Life" which will now become a tradition. I could get used to this. The only thing missing from our lives, especially at this time of year, is church. C. and I both grew up going to church and we have yet to find a church "home" here in TX.
A few years ago we started using an activity based advent calendar that has totally enriched our lives. Each day leading up to Christmas, one of the children pulls out the slip of paper for the day and tells us what "fun" thing we will do that day. The activities range from individual (i.e. everyone has to write a note to someone sharing a compliment or two, have dessert for breakfast, etc.) to group (i.e. read a Christmas story, watch a movie, family game night, sing Christmas carols, etc.) to doing something for others (i.e. make ornaments and deliver to friends/neighbors, do a chore anonymously for someone, etc.) The kids LOVE this tradition and look forward to this each year. It also keeps the focus on family and doing thing together and has become one of their favorite aspects of the holidays.
This is Tortuga's major trauma-versary time and usually we are held captive by his moods. This year we did a good deal of preparation for this by tightening his routines, adding more structure to his routines/expectations (while having less structure overall,) increasing his "alone" time after "fun" time, and talking more about what he was expected to do and what would happen if he couldn't hold it together. We also committed to not having the other kids miss out no matter what mood we were in and what he did. So we entered the holidays holding our breath a little but committed to making this fun for everyone (without canceling any plans because of his behaviors) and making it as low stress as possible.
So far this has worked pretty well. He did not have a single major meltdown. We complimented him on holding it together. We rewarded him. The first meltdown was last night as wrapped up our celebration of C.'s birthday. I call this a win for all of us. We still have a ways to go since this traumaversary time lasts until mid February for him but so far so good. Hopefully, I am not jinxing this now. :-)
Friday, December 14, 2012
Immense sadness...
My goals for my children are lofty. I want them to grow up to be caring, kind, thoughtful, contributing members of any community they join. I want them to love and be loved. I want them to belong wherever they choose to be. I want them to know right from wrong and choose right even when it is a difficult choice. I want them to give of themselves in ways that bring joy to others and themselves. I want their road to be smooth and blessed. I want their days filled with laughter and their nights filled with comfort and warmth. Every day I pray that I have what it takes to help get them there. Every day I work hard to make that closer to reality. Each day I enjoy moments of hope and moments of extreme doubt. Some days I experience fear and immense sadness. Today I watched the news of the CT school tragedy unfold in a community that C. and I are quite familiar with (she went to high school and I went to college near there) and I felt immense sadness--for the children, for the mothers, fathers and families, for the community, and for our society. I also experienced intense fear--for my children who, but for the grace of God, could have been/might someday be on any side of that tragic event.
Monday, December 3, 2012
A moment
I am standing in my kitchen watching Tortuga munch on a peanut butter sandwich as he pushes Milagro on the swing in our backyard. I smile as I watch them chatting about who knows what. She hops off the swing and runs to give him a bear hug which he awkwardly returns. (Hugging isn't easy for him.) They are smiling and laughing. It all seems so natural.
I don't know how long this moment will last but I want to bottle it. I want to imprint the memory in my brain. There are so few moments like this and yet everything about being a mother seems to be about times like this. We work so hard to care for them, teach them, nurture them, and protect them. Ultimately we have to hope they learn what they are supposed to learn and become who they are supposed to become. Most days I aim for "human" with him but today I see a glimmer of something more. A small sign of the young man he is turning into and my heart swells.
I don't know how long this moment will last but I want to bottle it. I want to imprint the memory in my brain. There are so few moments like this and yet everything about being a mother seems to be about times like this. We work so hard to care for them, teach them, nurture them, and protect them. Ultimately we have to hope they learn what they are supposed to learn and become who they are supposed to become. Most days I aim for "human" with him but today I see a glimmer of something more. A small sign of the young man he is turning into and my heart swells.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Things we do around here...
Sometimes the way we parent makes no sense. Sometimes the way we parent makes so much sense that all the parents of NT kids are jealous (just dreaming, I know....) Once we get into the "parenting trauma" groove and it seems to be working, we can start to take it for granted. I recently made friends with someone who is new to the whole adoption thing. She absolutely has kids with attachment issues. She absolutely denies this. She absolutely wants it to not be true but is getting to a place where she is open to the reality that her kids need her to be different. I struggled with that for a long time. I just wanted to parent in all the ways that I always knew I would parent. Then reality set it and I fought it kicking and screaming but when I saw it start to work with Corazon I knew I was on the "right" track even if it didn't look like I wanted it to look.
We are 6 years in from having adopted Corazon and we have learned/are learning a great deal on this journey. Our home has gone through more room rearrangements than I care to remember. Pretty much the kids have shared/not shared rooms in just about every possible combination except for Tortuga and Corazon sharing a room. We are currently set up to have each of the boys in their own room and the girls share a room. In order to make this work we have a lot of "fail-safes" in place. Although the girls share a room, they spend almost no time in there together without a third party. Some of our "fail-safes" are absolutely necessary and others probably aren't anymore but they make all of us feel safer. We have video monitors in each bedroom and in the playroom/homeschool/office. Each of the kids' bedrooms is alarmed at night (and Tortuga's is alarmed during the day.) Our pantry has an alarm too. At times the kids' bathroom has also had a monitor for reasons I won't go into here. In addition the hallway with all the bedrooms has 2 motion detectors (Tortuga sleep walks and has almost fallen down the stairs when startled awake.) Because they have made so much progress we rarely need to use the monitors (there was a time when we needed them on 24/7) but they are there and I can always check in if I need to. None of our children are allowed to play with each other in their rooms unless they are "on camera" at all times (2 of mine have been known to seriously physically harm someone when playing together and unsupervised and 2 resort to all kinds of unsafe behaviors if they think they aren't being watched.) I dream of the day I won't have alarms on doors and video monitors in rooms but the truth is they give me peace of mind, especially where the youngest is concerned. She is just 5 and while she is pretty sharp, she is just beginning to understand that her siblings have different needs and that she isn't always safe with them (as demonstrated by the split lower lip and gash on her arm from two separate incidents this week with the same sibling.)
We have ""rules" that others don't "get." Our kids have to "ask" to go upstairs, to their rooms or to the bathroom. That is because we need to be mindful of who is in the upstairs hallway at any given time and so everyone else knows they can't be in said hallway until the bathroom is clear. Our kids can't go up and down stairs together unless an adult is actively watching (several mishaps and "accidental" pushes have made this necessary.) The may not go into each other's room for any reason without adult permission or supervision (this was where many problems began before we just made a blanket rule.) When we come home from outside, each child has a "spot" where they must immediately go to and "practice patience" (strong sitting if you are familiar with Nancy Thomas' work). This helps us with transitions. Our kids can't help themselves to food from the pantry or refrigerator because food and jealousy issues still plague us. In a restaurant, shared appetizers (think chips and salsa) could set off a world war and our oldest two pretty much always get the same dish because Tortuga would go absolutely crazy if he thought Corazon's was "better"(bigger, more, tastier, or whatever other difference he might perceive) in any way. This is actually progress since it used to be that even if they had the same food he would always find his lacking in some way (hers had more dressing, one of her chicken tenders was bigger, her lettuce was greener, etc.). It may seem crazy to everyone else but it works for us. It takes some of the "stresses" away and even though those things shouldn't be stressful they are to some of our children so we work to make the situation work for them until we can help them maneuver it in a way that is healthy and safe.
We are 6 years in from having adopted Corazon and we have learned/are learning a great deal on this journey. Our home has gone through more room rearrangements than I care to remember. Pretty much the kids have shared/not shared rooms in just about every possible combination except for Tortuga and Corazon sharing a room. We are currently set up to have each of the boys in their own room and the girls share a room. In order to make this work we have a lot of "fail-safes" in place. Although the girls share a room, they spend almost no time in there together without a third party. Some of our "fail-safes" are absolutely necessary and others probably aren't anymore but they make all of us feel safer. We have video monitors in each bedroom and in the playroom/homeschool/office. Each of the kids' bedrooms is alarmed at night (and Tortuga's is alarmed during the day.) Our pantry has an alarm too. At times the kids' bathroom has also had a monitor for reasons I won't go into here. In addition the hallway with all the bedrooms has 2 motion detectors (Tortuga sleep walks and has almost fallen down the stairs when startled awake.) Because they have made so much progress we rarely need to use the monitors (there was a time when we needed them on 24/7) but they are there and I can always check in if I need to. None of our children are allowed to play with each other in their rooms unless they are "on camera" at all times (2 of mine have been known to seriously physically harm someone when playing together and unsupervised and 2 resort to all kinds of unsafe behaviors if they think they aren't being watched.) I dream of the day I won't have alarms on doors and video monitors in rooms but the truth is they give me peace of mind, especially where the youngest is concerned. She is just 5 and while she is pretty sharp, she is just beginning to understand that her siblings have different needs and that she isn't always safe with them (as demonstrated by the split lower lip and gash on her arm from two separate incidents this week with the same sibling.)
We have ""rules" that others don't "get." Our kids have to "ask" to go upstairs, to their rooms or to the bathroom. That is because we need to be mindful of who is in the upstairs hallway at any given time and so everyone else knows they can't be in said hallway until the bathroom is clear. Our kids can't go up and down stairs together unless an adult is actively watching (several mishaps and "accidental" pushes have made this necessary.) The may not go into each other's room for any reason without adult permission or supervision (this was where many problems began before we just made a blanket rule.) When we come home from outside, each child has a "spot" where they must immediately go to and "practice patience" (strong sitting if you are familiar with Nancy Thomas' work). This helps us with transitions. Our kids can't help themselves to food from the pantry or refrigerator because food and jealousy issues still plague us. In a restaurant, shared appetizers (think chips and salsa) could set off a world war and our oldest two pretty much always get the same dish because Tortuga would go absolutely crazy if he thought Corazon's was "better"(bigger, more, tastier, or whatever other difference he might perceive) in any way. This is actually progress since it used to be that even if they had the same food he would always find his lacking in some way (hers had more dressing, one of her chicken tenders was bigger, her lettuce was greener, etc.). It may seem crazy to everyone else but it works for us. It takes some of the "stresses" away and even though those things shouldn't be stressful they are to some of our children so we work to make the situation work for them until we can help them maneuver it in a way that is healthy and safe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed
